Young Writers Society

I layed across the backseat of Jake's car. Our honeymoon had to be cut short since I was apparently sick. I didn't know I could get sick I thought the half vampire part of me fought that off. Our honeymoon lasted two weeks so I wasn't that upset. Jake was worried for some reason, it wasn't anything real serious. I was just tired and had thrown up a couple of times but I blame that on Jake's cooking. I'd never tell him but he was horrible cook, and when I say horrible I mean horrible. We pulled up into the driveway and my Dad was already on the front porch, Jake had told him I was sick. I really wish he wasn't being so overreactive. "How are you feeling?" My Dad asked. "Okay, I guess. I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick thats all." Jake and Dad breifly looked at each other before my Mom walked out. She gave me a quick hug and stepped back. "Nessie, lets go talk... at the cottage." my Dad sighed. I sat on the sofa and Jake sat down next to me. "Nessie..." Jake breathed. "The symptoms your showing are all signs of ... pregnancy." I looked at him and my face went pale. This couldn't be happening, but it's the only logical explaination. I couldn't be pregnant I was only eighteen and I just got married. A couple of minutes passed before my Mom broke the silence. "We're not sure but it sounds like you're going through what I did when I had you." I knew why they were concerned becuase I had nearly killed my mother when I was born.

I have plenty more but I figured that I should post a little bit to see if you guys liked it. Please review even if you don't like it.

I think you're very talented and I kind of like what you did with the whole Nessie now goes through what Bella went through thing, but maybe you could change something in the plot. Like, keep the whole premise, but change something so that it's not exactly the same story.

Hey there, I'm Eddie and I'm going to take a shot at reviewing this for you. Please don't think I'm nitpicky but I do tend to pick out every mistake I see.

Red - Mistakes
Green - Corrections
Purple - Bits I Liked
Pink - Suggestions

Klpidnc12 wrote:I layedlaid across the backseat of Jake's car. Our honeymoon had to be cut short since I was apparently sick. I didn't know I could get sick I thought the half vampire part of me fought that off.

Nice opening, theres something happening straight away which is always nice. However I felt there was a lack of description here, I would have liked you to have divulged exactly how sick your MC was feeling (symptoms etc) I know you do this in the next paragraph, but maybe you could bring those up here. And maybe a little bit more about the honeymoon?

Our honeymoon lasted two weeks so I wasn't that upset. Jake was worried for some reason, it wasn't anything real serious. I was just tired and had thrown up a couple of times but I blame that on Jake's cooking. I'd never tell him but he was horrible cook, and when I say horrible I mean horrible.

I see what you're trying to do here, but I'm not too keen on the repetition of 'horrible' perhaps re-phrasing it slightly. 'Jake wasn't exactly (insert name of famous American chef here, as I'm English I don't know any) in the kitchen.'

We pulled up into the driveway and my Dad was already on the front porch, Jake had told him I was sick. I really wish he wasn't being so overreactivehe wouldn't overract so much all the time. (New line to indicate speech here) "How are you feeling?" My Dad asked. (Same as before) "Okay, I guess. I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick thats all." (New paragraph) Jake and Dad breiflybriefly looked at each other before my Mom walked out. She gave me a quick hug and stepped back.

I've underlined this part as its a little confusing, you say she walked out but then go on to say how she hugged your MC, I would simply swap the two lines around.

"Nessie, lets go talk... at the cottage." mMy Dad sighed. I sat on the sofa and Jake sat down next to me. (New line) "Nessie..." Jake breathed. "The symptoms youryou're showing are all signs of ... pregnancy." (New paragraph) I looked at him and my face went pale. This couldn't be happening, but it's the only logical explainationexplanation. I couldn't be pregnant. I was only eighteen and I had just got married.

I've stopped it here as I would of loved you to have dragged this out a little. Put yourself in her shoes, your mind would be processing a million and one things at once. The most irrational and rational thoughts must be crossing your MC's mind right now, write those down. It may seem a little odd but random thoughts all adds to your characterisation and your readers' empathy.

A couple of minutes passed before my Mom broke the silence. (New line, sorry I'm meticulous when it comes to dialogue. I just think it has a little more impact that way.) "We're not sure but it sounds like you're going through what I did when I had you." I knew why they were concerned becuasebecause I had nearly killed my mother when I was born.

I have plenty more but I figured that I should post a little bit to see if you guys liked it. Please review even if you don't like it.

Character
I found it very very hard to sympathize with Renesmee, granted she isn't your original character but I thought you could of done a lot more to give her her own 'voice'. There were never any tiny hints at her personality in there, you're writing it in third person so you should be adding in random things that you think the character would do or think of. But it was all very narrative, you simply got the details across and that was it. I'm not saying its wrong, but it had no real substance.

Structure
Going back to what I was just saying, it was very linear. It followed a very clear, basic and if I'm frank a boring structure. I did like how direct and to the point you were, but it would of been nice to have messed it up a little, and added in more.

Content
There was very little background story, I'm not sure if you left that out because you were writing as if everyone who would read it would already be familiar with the story of Twilight. Luckily as a fan I was, but others would not of got all of that. I knew the history of Jake and Renesmee, and I knew about her family. But think of the people who have never read Twilight. Pretend like you are writing to them and fill in those gaps, it will bulk up your writing and increase your chances of people wanting to read on.

Overall I was impressed with your writing style, you have such potential with this story you just need to go that extra mile with it. I always find FanFiction just a tiny bit easier as of course most of the characters are all ready made, but its that much more exciting as you now have the power to write whatever you want, make them do whatever you want them to do, and take it wherever you want to go. Also Jacob is one of my favourite FF characters to write about, so you already scored brownie points with me on that one, there is so much you can do with him as I feel that Bella and Edward's story is pretty much already done. So I have to kind of agree with the above that I'm worried where this is going to go as Stephenie Meyer already covered the whole bizarre, supernatural pregnancy thing, so I urge you to take it down a completely different path. I look forward to seeing more, good job and good luck.

Hope this helped

xo

p.s. I have just edited this about a million times as I really need to consider my own spelling and grammar before I correct others

Hey...I really liked this
I'm not even going to bother trying to correct the spelling and the grammar since um...Eddie?...did that already but yeah. Structure, new paragraph for every quote. Spellings and so on and so forth. But one thing that needs to be added her is atmosphere give us more description of the scene, where they are...how it all looks like, the scent of the woods, his car, the cottage, the house the woods everything like get us in there watching the scene as it unfolds that's what makes reading more enjoyable but apart from that this has a LOT of potential.
I really love the little jokes about Jake's cooking lol Apart from all that I'm a fan Hope to read more of your works

Hey Klpidnc12!
I'm SodapopLunchbox and I would like to welcome to YWS! I hope your enjoying this website as much as the rest of us do. Anyways, on with your review!

Always start a new paragraph when dialogue is written. For example this is what you wrote

I really wish he wasn't being so overreactive. "How are you feeling?" My Dad asked. "Okay, I guess. I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick thats all." Jake and Dad breifly looked at each other before my Mom walked out. She gave me a quick hug and stepped back. "Nessie, lets go talk... at the cottage." my Dad sighed. I sat on the sofa and Jake sat down next to me. "Nessie..." Jake breathed. "The symptoms your showing are all signs of ... pregnancy." I looked at him and my face went pale.

And this is what it should look like:

I really wish he wasn't being so overreactive.
"How are you feeling?" My Dad asked.
"Okay, I guess. I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick thats all." Jake and Dad breifly looked at each other before my Mom walked out. She gave me a quick hug and stepped back.
"Nessie, lets go talk... at the cottage." my Dad sighed. I sat on the sofa and Jake sat down next to me.
"Nessie..." Jake breathed. "The symptoms your showing are all signs of ... pregnancy." I looked at him and my face went pale.

On to my next critique, some of your writing was awkward. If you read your story aloud I'm sure you would catch the awkward phrases and fix them. I'm going to show you through an excerpt of your story.

Our honeymoon had to be cut short since I was apparently (Apparently doesn't need to be there, because it sounds awkward) sick. I didn't know I could get sickcomma I thought the half vampire part of me fought that off. (I recommend using a word like However to start off this sentence)Our honeymoon lasted two weekscomma so I wasn't that upset. Jake was worried for some reason, (If Reneesme has never been sick before because the vampire in her fights it off, how would she know if it was serious? I recommend taking that part out and writing something along the lines of Jacob being a protective over his wife. Here would be a perfect part to mention the fact that he is imprinted upon her. Don't assume that the reader knows the background of twilight)it wasn't anything real serious. I was just tired and had thrown up a couple of times but I blame that on Jake's cooking. I'd never tell him but he was horrible cook, and when I say horrible I mean horrible.(This part is unneeded and sounds awkward.)

Well that's all I really would like to point out! You have a decent story here, interesting spin off of Twilight. Just fix it up a little and it will be awesome! PM me if you have any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hey Klpidnc12! I really liked your story, however, i have a few nitpicks.

I'm a huge fan of the twilight series, and i like how your putting Renesmee through what Bella went through, but i think you should let her story differ from her mother's. Maybe Jacob and Rensemee weren't married yet. Also, i think the reactions would be a little more extreme; Wouldn't Jacob or Renesemee freak out? And did Jacob know before Renesmee?

Over all, it was a very good piece, and i really enjoyed reading it.

I liked it a lot, but it needs some fixing.
The whole thing is way to similar to the original Twilight series. They get married, she gets pregnant, he knows first, they rush home and so on. You should do something entirely different. The idea is, no doubt great to continue the story with Renesmee and Jacob, but people just don't like reading the whole thing over again.
Also there is a lack of description of surroundings in the story. Description really spices up the thing. I would try make things more complicated. Right now It's very clear what's going on and everything is very predictable.
But in overall i liked it if it wasn't something I already read.

Thanks for all the reviews This was kinda like my planner story, I was just writing random stuff. I made a longer version I'll be posting after editing some things

I like it. It sounds like a Breaking Dawn 2, and instead of Bella and Edward, it's Renesmee and Jacob. I really hope you keep writing the story. It's very entertaining. I think the most views will be by Twilight fans, but it's still good.

I like the Renesmee/Jake piece, good job. Except it seems a little familier, the honeymoon being cut short. I think you should go original and not have it be exactly what happened to Bella because that's already been done. Especially because with Renesme and Jake you are left with so much room for creativity. Does it have to be their honeymoon? What if it was later or even out of wedlock (Just throwing ideas out there)

"How are you feeling?" My Dad asked. "Okay, I guess. I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick thats all."

Different qoutes should be different paragraphs because otherwise it is confusing who says what. Also, it looks neater.

Mom walked out

Try for a better verbed then just walked. It makes it more interesting.

Overall, you have really great potential with so much creative room as well as the drama pregnancy is sure to cause. You could defenitly expand what you have here, if you wanted, but it's also good short as sort of a beginning. I would suggest breaking it up into different paragraphs because that would make it so much clearer and neater. Please PM me with any questions, i'd love to see how your story turns out!

I think that this is a very interesting aspect, to look into Renesmee's future Good job! I like how you made her life similar to Bella's, but maybe add a twist that has nothing to do with Bella. Over all I think this is and interesting snippet of Renesmee's life

I think your idea was very clever, first of all. Keep writing!
Red- Corrections and comments!

IndentI layed across the backseat of Jake's car. Our honeymoon had to be cut short since I was apparently sick. I didn't know I could get sick I thought the half vampire part of me fought that off. Our honeymoon lasted two weeks so I wasn't that upset. Jake was worried for some reason, it wasn't anything real serious. I was just tired and had thrown up a couple of times but I blame that on Jake's cooking. I'd never tell him but he was horrible cook, and when I say horrible I mean horrible. You should start a new paragraph here! As you can see, I have done that for you : )

We pulled up into the driveway and my Dad was already on the front porch, Jake had told him I was sick. I really wish he wasn't being so over reactive.
When you start speech it become a whole paragraph of it's own. Dialogue is magical. [corrected]

"How are you feeling?" My Dad asked.
again : )

"Okay, I guess. I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick that's all." I told them.
Jake and Dad briefly looked at each other before my Mom walked out. She gave me a quick hug and stepped back. same

"Nessie, lets go talk... at the cottage," my Dad sighed. I sat on the sofa and Jake sat down next to me. and again...

"Nessie..." Jake breathed. "The symptoms your showing are all signs of ... pregnancy." I looked at him and my face went pale. This couldn't be happening, but it's the only logical explaination. I couldn't be pregnant I was only eighteen and I just got married. A couple of minutes passed before my Mom broke the silence.
Again, dialogue becomes a paragraph of it's own

"We're not sure but it sounds like you're going through what I did when I had you." I knew why they were concerned becuase I had nearly killed my mother when I was born.

Keep working on this, I think it sounds okay so far. Remember to be descriptive. You know what everything looks like in your head, correct? Show us that, too!

- Jessica

PM me anytime, I'd be happy to help or talk : )

First-I'm a huge twilight fan.

Second-This is almost an exact replica of Breaking Dawn. Get married young, two weeks of the honey moon, blames it on food, leaves early in a rush, etcetra.

Third-You need to add punctuation and insert some pargraphs.

Klpidnc12 wrote:I layed across the backseat of Jake's car. Our honeymoon had to be cut short since I was apparently sick. I didn't know I could get sick I thought the half vampire part of me fought that off. Our honeymoon lasted two weeks so I wasn't that upset. Jake was worried for some reason, it wasn't anything real serious. I was just tired and had thrown up a couple of times but I blame that on Jake's cooking. I'd never tell him but he was horrible cook, and when I say horrible COPMMMA I mean horrible. We pulled up into the driveway and my Dad was already on the front porch, Jake had told him I was sick. I really wish he wasn't being so overreactive. "How are you feeling?" My Dad asked. "Okay, I guess. I wish I could understand what the big deal is... I'm sick thats all." Jake and Dad breifly looked at each other before my Mom walked out. She gave me a quick hug and stepped back. "Nessie, lets go talk... at the cottage." my Dad sighed. I sat on the sofa and Jake sat down next to me. "Nessie..." Jake breathed. "The symptoms your showing are all signs of ... pregnancy." I looked at him and my face went pale. This couldn't be happening, but it's the only logical explaination. I couldn't be pregnant I was only eighteen and I just got married. A couple of minutes passed before my Mom broke the silence. "We're not sure but it sounds like you're going through what I did when I had you." I knew why they were concerned becuase I had nearly killed my mother when I was born.

I have plenty more but I figured that I should post a little bit to see if you guys liked it. Please review even if you don't like it.

I REALLY LIKE THIS AND CANT WAIT TO FIND OUT MORE...KEEP POPSTING OM ME WHEN YOU POST MORE

I think you should DEFINITLEY keep going! And please make Nessie a strong charecter that's one of the things i didn't like about the twilight saga. How weak Bella was.