Young Writers Society

I don't normally do the whole "fan-fiction" thing, but this is an idea I've had for awhile. Just tear it up for grammar and form, and if people like it, I'll put up more.

PROLOG
A tall, rugged man swallowed the last of the whisky in one gulp, then mumbled to the bartender for another round.
"You realize we close soon, mister," said the bartender as he slide the glass to the dark stranger.
" I'll stay until you close." growled the man. The bartender picked up a rag and began drying shot glasses.
"You've been drinking an awful lot. Your girl leave you?"
The man slammed down his empty glass, "No."
" You got your wife's phone bill today?"
"No."
"Ah, I see. You don't have a girl."
"Would you just leave me alone!"
The bartender meekly went back to his drying. In the smokey darkness of the bar, he failed to see the glimmering claws that slid back into the knuckles of his mysterious customer.
The man was beginning to feel the effects of the drink. He paid his bill, and stumbled into the parking lot.
Logan was famous for his splotchy memory, be he could see her face clearly in the glow of the neon lights. He started his bike and drove through a drunken haze. He had tried to forget, but Cyclone had died 1 year ago tonight; and she was all he could think about.

Chapter 1


Hannah Mccann covered up her journal with her science textbook. She had finished her assignment, but Mr. Cavent didn't like her to scribble between projects. She glanced to her right and glared at the petite, bottle blond.
"I don't understand why everyone loves Haley Perkins," she scribbled. "All the boys like her, yet she is the slimiest scum in this school."
Her musings were interrupted by the bell.
She scoped up her books into her bag and sauntered down the hall to her locker. She smiled broadly when she arrived at her destination. Her locker neighbor to her left was Austin Richardson. He was the school heart-throb, and Haley Perkin's boyfriend.
Hannah smiled broader when she saw an opportune moment stroll her way. Haley gave her boyfriend a peck on the cheek, bring a chorus of "Ahhhs" from her ever present posse of friends. Hannah fought the urge to gage, and instead closed her eyes.
She relaxed and let the energy of caffeine charged teenagers, and flickering light bulbs flow around her. She focused in on Austin's energy, and let it flow into her own body. Austin's eye's glazed over and he yawned heavily before falling asleep at the shrieking Haley's feet.
Hannah nonchalantly strolled by, "Oh look Haley, your lack of personality put him to sleep."
Haley gave her a look that could have killed someone, and went back to angrily shaking the slumbering Austin.
Hannah laughed aloud. There were upsides to being a mutant.

SUMS IT UP:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCjyQnSYV8s

Hey horsegirl! You review my stories so I should review yours!

I am not much for nitpicks, and I didn't really see any. I loved this! I am a big X-Men fan, and I think this is really interesting, I hope to see more. I like how you ended the chapter, it made me smile really big. Great job and I hope to read more! Let me know when more is posted!

First off, great potential. Really interesting - I want moar!!
Not many mistakes, just some small grammar and punctuation.

"A tall, rugged man swallowed the last of the whisky in one gulp, then mumbled to the bartender for another round."

Whiskey*
And expand more on the location. Obviously, they're in a bar, but what does it look like? what kind of music's playing, is our rugged man sitting in a booth, or on a stool.etc.

You realize we close soon, mister," said the bartender as he slide the glass to the dark stranger.

Oh god, I work in hospitality, I know how annoying it is when people just stay forever.

" I'll stay until you close." growled the man. The bartender picked up a rag and began drying shot glasses.
"You've been drinking an awful lot. Your girl leave you?"
The man slammed down his empty glass, "No."
" You got your wife's phone bill today?"
"No."
"Ah, I see. You don't have a girl."

The bartender's a funny guy

"Would you just leave me alone!"
The bartender meekly went back to his drying. In the smokey darkness of the bar, he failed to see the glimmering claws that slid back into the knuckles of his mysterious customer.

Expand, but nice imagery. I like how suddenly it's gotten a little more dangerous.

The man was beginning to feel the effects of the drink. He paid his bill, and stumbled into the parking lot.
Logan was famous for his splotchy memory, be he could see her face clearly in the glow of the neon lights. He started his bike and drove through a drunken haze.

Once again, expand. perhaps talk about the girl? what she looks like?

He had tried to forget, but Cyclone had died 1 year ago tonight; and she was all he could think about.

Instant buzz kill. You shouldn't have straight away said that Cyclone had died 1 year ago tonight; a little more mystery would be better - let the reader asky why he was drinking, who is this girl? why is tonight special?

All in all, a pretty good introduction to the story. I like it

Hannah Mccann covered up her journal with her science textbook. She had finished her assignment, but Mr. Cavent didn't like her to scribble between projects. She glanced to her right and glared at the petite, bottle blond.

I like this intro, you get an immediate connection with the character.

"I don't understand why everyone loves Haley Perkins," she scribbled. "All the boys like her, yet she is the slimiest scum in this school."

Perhaps these should be in italics, seeing as they're not spoken words.

Her musings were interrupted by the bell.
She scoped up her books into her bag and sauntered down the hall to her locker. She smiled broadly when she arrived at her destination. Her locker neighbor to her left was Austin Richardson. He was the school heart-throb, and Haley Perkin's boyfriend.

Scooped*
Good use of adjectives here, but once again, expand a little.

Hannah smiled broader when she saw an opportune moment stroll her way. Haley gave her boyfriend a peck on the cheek, bring a chorus of "Ahhhs" from her ever present posse of friends. Hannah fought the urge to gage, and instead closed her eyes.

Could you have found a different name for Haley? The two names seem too close, but that might just be me.

Hannah nonchalantly strolled by, "Oh look Haley, your lack of personality put him to sleep."

Strolled by? She's standing next to him - she didn't walk past him to say it, or did she?

Hannah laughed aloud. There were upsides to being a mutant.

Again, pretty funny.

As far as this story goes, I do really like it. It's original, the characters have depth, and can have more depth as the story progresses. I'm interested as to how Logan and Hannah are connected, will definately come back to this story if you do decide to post more

Well I would like to say I enjoyed however it was too short to enjoy. I want more. I want to enjoy and put in my memory as one of my favorite stories. Gimme more ya hear GIMME!