Young Writers Society

So i love the whole idea of the Mortal instruments (and Clockwork Angel!) books, so i decided to write an original story with the same idea but different plot and characters.
Hope you like it! Please review!!
Zib



Devin Wayland brought his seraph blade down in a swift motion, and was rewarded with a thick green spray of ichor. The Vepar demon had surprised him while he was keeping watch for Emilie, but luckily they had come out tonight looking for demons much worse and Devin now watched his distorted body turn to ash.
“Gross…” Devin muttered as he wiped the blade on his jacket. The green thick substance glowed against his black shadowhunter gear. He tucked the dull blade into his pocket and called on a new one.
“Uriel!” Devin named his new blade, as it flared to life between his hands. The light cast ominous shadows against the dark shipping containers, sending a shiver down Devin’s spine. Suddenly he had a vivid image of a woman crying as she shielded her son against the fiery demon that appeared in every one of his nightmares.
His muscles tensed instinctively and he cleared the memory out of his thoughts, and backed towards the door Emilie had disappeared into some ten minutes ago.
He was certain there were more demons lurking in the shadows – Vepars lived in packs. Sure he had killed the first on alone, but even he couldn’t take on a whole pack. All of Devin’s instincts were telling him to barge into the tavern, grab Emilie, and get her back to the institute as quickly as he could, but he knew if he did Emilie would never let him live it down. She hated it when Devin protected her. As the seconds ticked away Devin felt the shadows approaching, suffocating him.
He was about to open the door when Emilie burst out, she would have hit him if his reflexes had not been supernaturally fast. Devin sprung out of the way and assessed Emilie. Her blonde hair – identical to Devin’s– was falling out of its ponytail, and she made an exasperated gasp. The door slammed behind her, making an echo in the eerily silent shipyard alley.
“Shit!” she yelled.
“Anything?” Devin asked.
“Nothing we don’t already know.” She said.
Devin and Emilie were supposed to be investigating the growing amount of demon energy in New York, but so far they had searched to no avail. The Downworlder clubs they had questioned shut them down, pretending they knew nothing of the hordes of demons flocking to the city.
The two shadowhunters turned towards the street to leave, when they noticed half a dozen disfigured shapes illuminated by the streetlights slowly approaching them.
Emilie tore her fierce gaze momentarily from the shapes to stare accusingly at Devin. She stopped at his waist where the green ichor still coated his gear.
Emilie was so swift to draw her blade that Devin found her movements almost invisible.
“Devin,” she growled “How far are we from the subway?”
“Four maybe three minutes.” He shrugged rather unoptimistic
The demons became visible as they drew closer, and their slithering grunts filled the alley. More Vepar demons, Devin guessed, probably drawn here by the ships and water. They stopped, and Devin heard more distinctly what he thought had been grunts
“Find the girl,” They slithered closer, “open the gate.”
They chanted the line in unison, distorting it with their inhuman voices
Out of the corner of his eye Devin thought he saw Emilie’s lips twitching into a smile.
“You’re insane.” Devin whispered under his breath.
“The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.” She smirked without looking at him.
Both shadowhunters stood in fighting stance, their muscles tensed and their blades held in front of them illuminating the alley and the demons pack that had now grown twice in size. Using the gift they had been given at birth Emilie spoke in Devin’s mind “Now!”
They struck, working together seamlessly like avenging angels against the demons clawing for their hearts.

Sometimes Lee would sit in the ballroom and imagine how her ancestors had danced here. How their gloved hands had steadied themselves on the gold banister of the stairs as they descended into the lavish parties they hosted. How their long dresses made of exotic fabrics had grazed the floor as their partners swung and twirled them. All the while their guests would stare and marvel at their classic Jemstone beauty.
But this morning Lee Jemstone padded clumsily down the grand marble staircase to the kitchen. She was wearing an old Beatles shirt and pajamas, with her favorite moccasin slippers to protect her feet from the cold marble floors. She secretly hoped none of the staff would be here this morning, and she cursed silently when she discovered Portia waiting for her in the kitchen.
“Morning Portia.” She mumbled
“How are you Lee?” Portia asked sympathetically, attempting a smile, but achieving more of a pained grimace.
Lee stared at Portia with a glare that made it clear she didn’t want to have this conversation, nor anyone’s pity today.
Seeming to catch on, Portia snapped into her regular commando mode and barked, “Put some clothes on for Christ sake school starts in 20 minutes!”
Lee thought about telling Portia that compared to every other day, she was relatively early, but thought better of talking back to the woman who made her food. Portia was just as likely to give her rocks, as she was cheerios for breakfast.
Lee slid into a stool at the island that was, like the rest of the house, made of white marble and stainless steel. Putting on a thick British accent she asked “What shall it be today governess?”
“Call me governess again, and it’ll be peanut butter cookies.”
Lee shuddered, She was deathly allergic to peanuts, and Portia joked that even the thought of them could make her break out in hives.
Portia slid a bowl of cheerios across the island begrudgingly, and Lee smiled sweetly back.
She sauntered off to her room with her bowl of cheerio’s, and reappeared 30 minutes later dressed in her black and silver school uniform, and her long brown hair braided down her back. Her mother always used to tell her that the silver matched her eyes, which she called “colder than winter ice”.
Lee tried sneaking out the back door, hoping to avoid Dean who was undoubtedly waiting to drive her to school.
Dean was the closest thing to a father she had ever had. He had been at the house since Lee was born, and he had always looked the same way. She guessed he was fifty years old, but he had a kindness in his eyes that made him look much younger. Unluckily for her, he was waiting by the back alley door with her coat and schoolbooks in either hand.
“Good morning miss.” Dean said. He held out the jacket for her to put on, “I hear it could go below zero today miss.” He then handed her the books.
“Dean, if you don’t stop calling me miss, I will request that you work with Portia in the kitchens permanently!” Lee said jokingly. She knew no matter how many times she asked, Dean would always refer to her as “miss”.
She was shocked as Dean stopped her before the door and grabbed her by the shoulders.
“I understand you are in pain Lee, as am I. Your mother was a wonderful shad…” Lee stared at him quizzically as he stumbled, and corrected himself “– lady.I hope you know that I am always here for you.” He coughed, and then returned his hands awkwardly to his sides.
Because it was Dean, Lee didn’t mind him being sympathetic. She wrapped her arms around him and gave him a hug he was not expecting, resting her cheek on his chest.
“I miss her too.” She whispered.
His hands came up to her back where he gently patted her in an attempt of comfort. When it came to kids, Dean found he was always at a loss, but Lee appreciated the effort nonetheless.
When she let go of him he coughed again and opened the door briskly, to the alley where the black car was idling. Dean stepped in front of her, making sure the icy steps were safe to descend.
Lee could see her breath in the cold December air. Before stepping outside she grabbed a white scarf from her bag and fastened it around her neck, weary of the cold.
As soon as she stepped outside, there was a shift in the air. Dean stared confusedly at her as the air turned violently cold. Then it hit her, and Dean’s face became a mask of horror. Lee felt as if every fear, every worry, every tear she had every shed, was trying to escape he skin – pounding at its surface. She screamed. The darkness of the shadows seemed to become thicker, they pressed towards her, making her cold all over. The last thing she saw was a blindingly white flash of light, and a single line echoing in the shadows in the most inhuman voice she had ever heard. “Find the girl, open the gate.”

The Mortal Instruments series is great, and you seem really familiar with it. Your hook was interesting and despite writing off a series your characters were fairly original, especially Emilie. I also liked Lee--you gave her a funny little quirk with the peanut allergy thing. It's those quirks that make a character flavorful.

I did notice your punctuation, however, which seems to be a little lacking. For example:

“Put some clothes on for Christ sake should be some form of punctuation here school starts in 20 minutes!”

Lee shuddered. She was deathly allergic to peanuts

You seem a little comma happy, especially in the second part about Lee. Once you clean that up, though, it'll read very well.

Your plot sounds interesting. I'm waiting for you to connect the first two characters and Lee--which I assume you'll work on as you continue the story. Good job. Write on.

Hi! I haven't read the Mortal Instruments, but I think I can shed some light for you nonetheless.

Basically, I think it's a good start! There are some spots you could work with, which I'll touch here, but all in all, it sounds very interesting.

First thing I want to mention is the break from Devin and Emilie to Lee. It was very sudden, so a line break or two would be helpful to the reader. And while I'm on the topic of format, be sure to review your grammar at some point. That's hardly a worry though until you've covered any other edits concerning the story itself.

I couldn't quite make out the setting for Devin and Emilie. I pictured a dungeon like in video games. xD I dunno if maybe I missed it or what, but more mention of that would be cool. At least I knew when Lee was in the kitchen or not, haha! But generally speaking, try to slip some descriptions of their surroundings so that the reader can soon picture the world with ease. For instance, at this point, Lee can be 300 years in the future, and it'll still work. Try to make it more personal to the Mortal Instruments series.

Also with description, be sure you're not over-describing, or info-dumping, a character's appearance. At one point, Portia is described in the story with black and silver all over. The reader's not going to remember the physical appearance when it's mentioned all at once here. (As a side note, her eyes were... silver, I think? Or something cold, as her mother described it. Try to tie this in with maybe the wintry-ness of where they live or something like that so it doesn't seem so cliche. Something must have sparked Portia's mom to say that.) In Harry Potter, we're constantly reminded he has green eyes and messy hair, but mostly at appropriate times, like when identifying his parents/family in the Mirror of Er--something in the first book. xD

Last point I want to make is concerning the characters, Lee specifically. Right now, some of them have their own character, but some of them go through a major character change. Take Dean for example. He's like a father to Lee--and then when the reader meets him, he acts like a butler. Try to show the reader how he acts like a father to Lee--maybe describe what Lee's father was like or who is she comparing Dean to? Also, Lee is on the border of Mary-Sue, I think. The most unique thing I got from her is her peanut allergy. At one point, it's mentioned she usually wakes up late, so why does she so-happen to wake up early today? Just have her wake up late--no biggie. Unless it's important to the story, which should be mentioned here then. Take some time to think about your main character (Lee, I'm assuming) to make sure you know who she is, how she reacts to certain things, and how you can keep her consistently in character. Take a look at all your characters actually. XD It'll make more sense if you know who they are--less chance of a writer's block 'cause the characters will just write the story themselves.

Those are the points I wanted to make. Hopefully they help! I do think your fanfic has potential. Try to tie the characters, setting, plot--everything together. In a story, nothing random ever happens, whether it's to enforce character, continue plot, or describe their environment.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Nice! I love the Mortal Instruments myself and I think that you wrote your own plot and characters as well as Cassandra Clare! I also liked your dialogue and how you defined characters. Also it was clever how you used the name "Wayland" from the series but also invented your own name that could very well belong to a Shadowhunter family. I've been meaning to do MI fanfintion for ages but never gto around to it....anyway, well done!