“I never liked my name. Nobody with anything resembling sense would like it either. Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, that’s my name, though sometimes I was called Enoby. I didn’t like my creator either, Tara what’s-her-face. She made me into this…this terrible creature. It was like being like Bella Swan, but a thousand times worse. I mean, seriously, doctor, I don’t even like My Chemical Romance!” The girl exhaled heavily, folding her arms across her chest. She wore a simple white tee shirt and blue jeans, with black canvas shoes. Nothing like her “usual” attire.
“Hey! You think I liked being in Twilight?” Bella exclaimed hotly, glaring at Ebony.
“At least your name made some sense! Even if your story didn’t have a plot!”
“Now, now, ladies, let’s take some deep breaths and relax. You’re both here for the same reason,” the doctor said, smiling at them. “You both feel the same way, so let’s try to keep things civil, hmm?”
Ebony and Bella nodded sullenly, both mumbling apologies. “Dr. Crane, why is it that it’s only us? Surely there are other characters who feel the way we do?” Bella asked, looking up at the balding psychiatrist.
Dr. Frasier Crane looked from his notes, to the duo, and back to his notes. “This is called dual therapy. You two are my…most interesting cases, so you’re together. Anyway, shall we officially begin? Let’s start with some basic introductions. Bella, you go first.”
“Well, I was just an innocent teen lit character, you know? Just your average brunette, pale girl, really nothing special. I thought my creator was going to write a story about self-realization or coming of age, and so I set out to please Stephenie. Whatever she had me do, I did with the utmost enthusiasm. And, Dr. Crane, I’m a very cheerful character, but Ms. Meyer made me into this whiny, boy-crazed seventeen year old! It was atrocious! I tried to fight back, show some personality besides this bizarre shell Stephenie wanted. It was useless, and now everyone in the real world thinks I’m this one dimensional, annoying girl and that I’m the symbol of everything that’s wrong with popular culture. I hate it. And when she had me fall in “love” with both Jacob and Edward, I nearly lost it! They’re two of the most unattractive characters in the saga thing! An ancient, possessive, literally cold leech-thing, and a giant wolf boy with a penchant for showing off his abs? Awful, and shameless. And what was up with me having no flaws? Come on, Stephenie. GAH!” By the time she was finished, Bella was red in the face.
Dr. Crane nodded. “Mhmm, and how does that make you feel?”
“Pretty peachy, doctor. Are you kidding me? If I ever see her, I am going to take a rusty spoon to her corneas! That’s how I freakin’ feel! Are you writing this down, Doctor Birdie?!”
Bella was now standing and shouting, a vein on her neck bulging. Ebony watched in silence, trying to suppress a giggle.
Dr. Crane merely nodded and said sagely, “It’s good to let it out.”
“Let it out? I haven’t even started yet! What’s with all that crap about vegetarian vampires? And really, Renesmee? That’s the dumbest name for a child since Sage Moonblood! God, where did she come up with this stuff? Oh! And don’t forget about Edward’s incredibly pasty white self! Does anyone else notice that it totally sounds like that Mormon guy?! JESUS!” Bella huffed and sat back down, out of breath.
Ebony laughed and quickly tried to hide it with a cough. “I’m sorry Bella, it’s just…Renesmee. And I thought I had an awful name.”
Bella shrugged. “I think yours is dumber, actually.”
Before Ebony could reply, Dr. Crane cleared his throat, and the two young women fell silent. “Ebony, if you please?”
The girl nodded. “I was created by this girl, Tara. It started off badly, and got worse. She made me into this airhead 'goff' who apparently suffered an over-inflated ego and dyslexia! And the stuff she had me wear--it was ridiculous! Only on Halloween can people get away with it! You should have seen Draco laughing at me after writing sessions! It was terrible. Then she made me act like a complete bi---witch, and made me witness all this weirdo stuff…ugh, and there wasn’t even a plot. It just went nowhere!”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“What do you think, Doc? I felt pretty bad. Still do. Everyone thinks I’m this awful emo-wannabe-gothic person with a bad taste in clothing, music, and a speech impediment of some sort. That isn’t me at all. I can pronounce the “TH” sound, gosh darn it!”
“There, there, it’s okay, Ebony,” Bella hugged the other girl lightly as Ebony began to sob.
“Well, would you look at that,” Dr. Crane began. “I think we’ve made some progress. Good work today, ladies.”
“Wait!” A large brunette woman bounded into the room.
“What the--who are you?”
“I’m Bella. I mean, I’m Stephenie Meyer. And honestly, this short story is terrible. It’s missing something. Needs more…dazzle! And topaz! And god-like! Yay for thesaurus-dot-com!”
Bella’s eyes narrowed. She drew a rusty spoon from her jacket pocket. “AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!” Her war cry shocked Dr. Crane and Ebony.
“I’ve been waiting for this for five stinking years!” Bella ran to the woman, who tried to run out of the room, but she was too large to do much else other than waddle.
Dr. Crane whipped out a walkie-talkie and spoke into it. “We have a code topaz in effect, rusty-spoon-to-author’s-cornea in effect. Dispatch all psychiatric units to room 14A, please.”
Bella screeched to Stephenie from another room, “Get back here you twinkie-shoveling lard butt!”
I loved Bella's speech, but I wish Ebony's had been better. I mean, with fanfiction like that, you could have completely ripped on Tara's writing - it would have been epic!
Like, love this.
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