Dumbledore, taking a pensive stroke of his long white beard, surveyed his now near-bare office with sad, aged eyes for what would probably be the final time before turning back to glare sharply at his oaken desk, upon which the damned letter sat. Since this morning Dumbledore must have read and re-read the accursed thing more than a hundred times in an effort to spot the phrase "April fool!" So far, his heroic, yet foolish attempts had proven futile. Sitting down in front of the desk, the letter gave him it's usual obnoxious self-important look, the words "Ofsted Inspection Report" sneering at him gleefully. "Bloody Muggles," thought Dumbledore, "who creates a system to keep schools in line, that's a teachers job!" Re-lighting his long pipe (after filling it with a somewhat suspect type of magical grass found by Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest) Dumbledore began to read said letter one last time.
"To
you may recall that just under a month ago I began my correspondence with a certain Mr.A Weasley, who, through what he called his 'Muggle-Wizard Synergy Program,' was the first to inform me of Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I, of course, did not at first believe Mr.Weasley. But, after further talks with both him and a few other families linked to Mr.Weasley (whose names I am not at the liberty to disclose), both I and my superiors organized a legally sanctioned inspection of your school."
"Families linked to Mr.Weasley?" grumbled Dumbledore. "I'll have to remind myself to drop Peeves off at the Granger's on my way out."
"Continuing, I am sure you are hardly surprised when I say that I was both shocked and horrified with the conditions at your 'school.' Children running riot through the corridors firing all kinds of harmful projectiles at each other, teams of people allowed to compete in a sport that is not only played at a dangerous height with no safety harnesses, but also contains a pair of objects that actually attempt to knock people to a grizzly injury or death, whole classes put into place to purposefully teach the students how to concoct dangerous, and sometimes deadly poisons! Punishments dished out by the teachers that go way beyond inhumane, various stairwells, doorways and windows maliciously filled with traps for the sole purpose of harming, embarrassing and disorientating the weaker and less well-prepared boys and girls, and absolutely no disabled access!"
Dumbledore put a hand against his weathered face despairingly as a pair of muggle bailiffs marched into the room, glanced around swiftly, and proceeded to pick up the golden bird cage that sat in the corner, still containing Fawkes the Phoenix. The currently lackluster bird put up a half-hearted protest by squawking madly, before bursting into flames with a small, anti-climactic "poof." The bailiffs, stunned for a second, proceeded to turn to Dumbledore. The shorter of the two gave him a sly grin and said "Nice try Granddad, but It's the cage wot we wanted!" before the thieving couple marched triumphantly from the room with their prize. Dumbledore sighed again, before turning back to the letter, which was now snickering inaudibly.
"While at your travesty of a school I received the testimony of several students, all of whom gave me further reason to shut the school down for good. One boy, for example, made a very crude, discriminative remark toward one of the girls in his 'potions' class, calling her a "Mudblood." After learning the meaning of aforementioned word, I was deeply troubled by the fact that not only were a large portion of the class also using the term, but the current teacher, One S.Snape, seemed to have no problem with this disgusting word! Another boy told me of how the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, R.Hagrid, was prone to encouraging the children to play with large, venomous, explosive scorpions. Finally, the last straw came when one of the students told me about how only last year, under what I very loosely deem 'adult supervision', three schools, including your own, gathered around Hogwarts to partake in some sort of 'Tri-Magic Tournament,' which involved battling a life-like, completely uncontrollable, deadly robotic dragon! Then, said students had to swim to the bottom of the lake with no supervision or equipment, before fighting a group of abnormally large piranha! And Then, the students who by some miracle survived the previous two 'tasks' were forced to traverse through a giant, unsafely erected hedge maze filled with some of the worlds deadliest creatures, and a mass of what can only be described as sick booby traps.
In closure, Ofsted, the board of Governors and the Government of the United Kingdom have decided that you are unfit to work, and that Hogwarts is a dangerous, unsafe learning environment for children. Your school is to close it's doors immediately, and you are to step down. The entirety of Hogwarts and it's contents will be confiscated at a later date and you will receive a summons in due time to answer for your crimes. I, personally, think you are a sick, disgusting, heartless man, and I will not rest easy until you are as far away from those children as possible.
Regards,
Patricia Metham HMI (Ofsted- Raising standards, Improving lives.)
PS: With the information I received from student testimonies I have been allowed a further inspection, this time at Beauxbatons Academy, perhaps they will succeed where you have failed."
With a final sigh at the fact that there was still no "April Fool!" inside, Dumbledore slid the letter aside to read the rest of his mail. To his surprise, he saw a brightly colored letter glaring up at him, the words "From Beauxbatons, To Albus Dumblydore" scrawled quickly across it. Picking the crimson envelope up, Dumbledore grimaced as he noticed the Howler had already begun to smoke at one end.
(My first submission, wanted to have a little fun. Stick around for my next piece, which will be a parody on Lolita in which we see what Humbert doesn't want us to know. Ahahahahahahaaaa...no.)
Screw-up on my part there.
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