Young Writers Society

Celticmusicgirl wrote:I am dodging burning debris every where I turncomma as I try desperatly to escape my burning home. I just barely get by commaas a rafter crashing down to the floor. I hope Dad and Padriac made it out alright. I don't know what I would do without my brothercomma Padraiccomma or my dad commaKieran. As I approach the nearest window, I see people outside waiting. When I climb out the window, I see Dr. Cullen waiting close to an ambulance and fire truck. I start to run over to him calling out his name but, I quickly become too exhausted to run anymore and collapse half-way between the paramedics and my home.

"She's coming around," I hearcomma as I regain conciousness.
When I awake, instead of seeing the typical hospital scene(equiptment, nurses, etc.)delete the (Equipment part) , I see that instead of lying in a hospital bed, I am on a couch in a large sized room withdelete with, in which, the back wall seems to be made out of a single window, for I could see out into the woods. then there is a few chairs randomly placed, a television commaand a concert piano close to the back wall. As I look about the roomcomma I notice seven people watching me intently. One was a fairly tall man with lightcomma blonde hair who I automatically know is Dr. Cullen. Another, a woman with shoulder length commabrown hair and golden commabrown eyes. Then commathere is a younger man who is tall and has red hair and yet, a younger man with blonde hair. I notice that there are two others there also, one a tall girl with long blonde hair and the other also a girl, with short spikey black hair. Then there is the real tall black haired guy who looks like a football quarterback or something.
"Brigid," Dr. Cullen says gently, "how are you feeling? Are you in any pain?"
After a minute or two icapital I respond "umcapitalize U, no I don't think i'm I'm not i'mhurting anywhere."
"How do you feel?"
"Dizzy." and a little creeped out with all these people staring at me, I think to myself looking about the room.
Then, as if I had said it out loud a tall commared headed boy looks away quickly.
"This doesn't look like a hospital room," I observe.
"It's not," then a brunette woman is at Dr. Cullen's side in an instant, "we thought you may be more comfotable herecomma at our home."
This must be Mrs. Cullen. She's very pretty.
Not knowing what to say commaI just nodded in response. Then I remember my family, "What about Padriac and Dad?"
Dr. and Mrs. Cullen exchanged a quick glance, then turned their attention back to me.
"You must be tired," Mrs. Cullen soothingly says. "Why don't you go back to sleep?"
"Please tell me Padraic made it out."
"Padraic made it out with a few 2nd degree burns just as you did," Dr. Cullen answers. "But on the other hand your dad...well... Kieran wasn't found."
"Tell me is Padraic ok?"
"He is fine. He is just asleep. and you need to get some sleep too."
So I do as I am told commaand go back to sleep.

I am dodging burning debris every where I turn as I try desperatly to escape my burning home. (Using these two words in one sentence seems a little repetitive. The ole thesaurus should be of some assistance, maybe use a synonom like scorching, flaming, blazing?) I just barely get by as a rafter crashing down to the floor. (Try re-reading this out loud. Unless you are using a rafter in a similie, it doesn't make sense. The word "crashing" should be replaced with "crashes") I hope Dad and Padriac made it out alright. I don't know what I would do without my brother, Padraic or my dad, Kieran. As I approach the nearest window, I see people outside waiting. When I climb out the window, I see Dr. Cullen waiting close to an ambulance and fire truck. I start to run over to him calling out his name but, I quickly become too exhausted to run anymore and collapse half-way between the paramedics and my home.

"She's coming around," I hear as I regain conciousness.
When I awake, instead of seeing the typical hospital scene(equiptment, nurses, etc.) (This isn't usually used in short stories). I see that instead of lying in a hospital bed, I am on a couch in a large sized room with, in which, the back wall seems to be made out of a single window, for I could see out into the woods (This sentence is massive! Maybe try shortening it a little and place a few fullstops inbetween that forest of commas). Then, there are a few chairs randomly placed, a television and a concert piano close to the back wall. As I look about the room I notice seven people watching me intently. One was a fairly tall man with light blonde hair who I automatically know is Dr. Cullen. Another, a woman with shoulder length brown hair and golden brown eyes. Then, there is a younger man who is tall and has red hair and yet, a younger man with blonde hair. I notice that there are two others there also, one a tall girl with long blonde hair and the other also a girl, with short spikey black hair. Then, there is the real tall black haired guy who looks like a football quarterback or something.
"Brigid," Dr. Cullen says gently, "how are you feeling? Are you in any pain?"
After a minute or two i (replace with a capital "I") respond, "Um, no I don't think I'm hurting anywhere."
"How do you feel?"
"Dizzy," and a little creeped out with all these people staring at me, I think to myself looking about the room. Then, as if I had said it out loud a tall, red headed boy looks away quickly.
"This doesn't look like a hospital room," I observe.
"It's not," then a brunette woman is at Dr. Cullen's side in an instant, "We thought you may be more comfotable here at our home."
This must be Mrs. Cullen. She's very pretty.
Not knowing what to say I just nodded in response. Then I remember my family, "What about Padriac and Dad?"
Dr. and Mrs. Cullen exchanged a quick glance, then turned their attention back to me.
"You must be tired," Mrs. Cullen soothingly says, "Why don't you go back to sleep?"
"Please tell me Padraic made it out."
"Padraic made it out with a few 2nd (Try replacing this with "second") degree burns just as you did," Dr. Cullen answers, "But on the other hand your Dad...well... Kieran wasn't found."
"Tell me is Padraic ok?"
"He is fine. He is just asleep. And you need to get some sleep too."
So, I do as I am told and go back to sleep.