Young Writers Society

I sighed and flopped onto the sofa. I switched on the TV. The news was on again. The news was always on these days. Even when they weren’t reporting anything, it just said Please await further information.
It was on every channel, over all the programmes. I thought it was stupid. They’d overridden The Inbetweeners because of some psychos who’d started biting people, and I wasn’t at all amused. I’d really been looking forward to this week’s episode.
I flicked through the channels absent-mindedly, but everything was the same. News. News, news, news. Please await further information.
Suddenly, there was a banging at the door. I groaned. Probably another person trying to sell something. I stayed seated, willing him to go away, but he kept banging on the door like his life depended on it.
“All right! Hold on…” I shouted, lifting myself from the couch. “Carry on like that and you’ll break the bloody door in…”
He carried on knocking until I opened the door. I prepared to give the guy a lungful, but something stopped me.
I stared at him, and he stared blankly back at me. His skin was pale, unnaturally pale, and he stunk like hell. Disco rings were forming on his shirt, under his arms. He glared at me with totally vacant eyes, his head cocked slightly to the side.
I grimaced. “Look, man, I don’t know what you’re trying to sell. I really don’t care. Bug off and stop stinking the place up.”
I slammed the door in his incomprehensive face irritably before returning to my seat. The news was still on, with its stupid message and its annoying tune.
Then the guy started banging on the door again.
“Fuck off!” I boomed. I could hear the door rattling on its hinges. I clenched my fist and moved towards the door once again.
Just before I reached it, it fell in with an almighty crash and I was left staring at the man again.
We both stood in silence for a few seconds. He was staring at me again, in exactly the same way as he had been before.
The instant I recovered from my surprise, I lunged at him angrily.
“What the hell?” I screamed, “You’re bloody paying for that. You’re mental!”
I grabbed his damp shirt, shuddering as I did so, and then he began to cough. I looked at him for a moment as he was racked by a series of haughty chokes, and then he vomited blood all down my shirt.
I shouted and let him go, wiping at the horrific mixture of bile and blood down my front, and that was when he bit me.
He leapt forward, screaming unintelligibly, and sank his teeth into my arm. I pulled away from his mouth, tearing my shirt and my skin as I did so, and shoved him backwards. He tripped over himself and slammed his head on the heavy slab of wood that had used to be my door. This would have winded any normal person, but not him. Within seconds he was up again, covering the ground between us in a few short bounds, growling like an animal. Spit dripped from the corner of his mouth as he attacked me, but this time I was ready. I punched him hard in the eye, putting all my weight behind the attack. His head snapped backwards, but he somehow grabbed me before he fell backwards once more.
He screamed and tried to bite me again, but I pushed him back. He swung his arm at me, his nails raking against my cheek and I kicked him in the face. I heard his nose break, but I didn’t care. This guy was trying to goddamn kill me.
I grabbed the arm of the sofa and hauled myself up as the man scrambled around the floor on all fours. I backed away from him, trying to think, but I was pumped with adrenaline and couldn’t form a plan. I simply sprinted for the door, but he bit me on the leg. It hurt awfully, and my brain was suddenly clouded with blind rage.
Twisting away from his grip, I stamped my foot down on his ankle. It twisted unnaturally, but still he kept up the attack.
Dodging around him, I grabbed the nearest thing I could find, a lamp, and then smashed it over his head. The china shattered, but still he kept crawling towards me.
All I wanted to do was stop this guy. I didn’t care how. I sprinted over to the kitchen, before grabbing the biggest knife I could find, a bread knife. I turned and, to my horror, saw my enemy limping towards me, dragging his ankle behind him uselessly. I didn’t think. I sunk the knife into his ribcage, but it didn’t even slow him. I yanked it out in a spray of blood, before slashing at his face.
This time it connected, perhaps a little too much. I embedded the knife in his eye and he immediately fell backwards, dead.
I stoop there, panting, as the adrenalin ebbed out of me. Then I gasped.
I’d just killed a guy.
I stared at the corpse for a few seconds, then slowly staggered to the nearest chair. I sat there, staring at the blank screen of the television, with the white words plastered across it.
I stared at them for a few seconds and looked at the door, then at the dead guy in my kitchen.
Suddenly, a voice pierced the darkness. The news was back on.
“The government has issued an official warning. They urge us all not to leave our homes. It seems that the situation is not under control.”
It was over as soon as it had begun, and I was back with the words on the screen.
Please await further information.
It was only then that I realised what was really happening.

So, yeah. Fanfiction.

Very nice start to a story. I haven't played Left 4 Dead personally, but I'm familiar with the zombie apocalypse premise. You've done a good job with it. Now, for some details.

They’d overridden The Inbetweeners because of some psychos who’d started biting people...

Title of a show should be italicized.

I stared at him, and he stared blankly back at me.

Funny to picture. Not your usual, immediate zombie attack. I like it.

He tripped over himself and slammed his head on the heavy slab of wood that had used to be my door.

The "over himself" is kind of redundant and unnecessary.

His head snapped backwards, but he somehow grabbed me before he fell backwards once more.

You used "backwards" twice here. Not a huge problem, but consider re-wording.

He swung his arm at me, his nails raking against my cheek and I kicked him in the face.

You need a comma after "cheek".

I yanked it out in a spray of blood, before slashing at his face.

No comma needed. It would sound a bit better if you said "I yanked it out...and slashed his face," but fine either way.

I stoop there, panting, as the adrenalin ebbed out of me.

"Stoop" should be "stood" and "andrenalin" is misspelled as well.

I sat there, staring at the blank screen of the television, with the white words plastered across it.

I feel like that last phrase detracts from the sense of bluntness and confusion. Consider taking it out. Otherwise, split up the sentence a bit.

Suddenly, a voice pierced the darkness.

"Silence" would make more sense here.

Besides that, your writing was great. The story was truly well-written. Your descriptions of the action was very good, although there could have bit some more description of the setting. It was a catching introduction to what I'm sure will be an excellent story. I look forward to reading more, if you write any.

Nice work.

Yes. That is all I have to say.

denj wrote:Very nice start to a story. I haven't played Left 4 Dead personally, but I'm familiar with the zombie apocalypse premise. You've done a good job with it. Now, for some details.

They’d overridden The Inbetweeners because of some psychos who’d started biting people...

Title of a show should be italicized. Oh yeah, silly me.

I stared at him, and he stared blankly back at me.

Funny to picture. Not your usual, immediate zombie attack. I like it. Thanks!

He tripped over himself and slammed his head on the heavy slab of wood that had used to be my door.

The "over himself" is kind of redundant and unnecessary. That's true...

His head snapped backwards, but he somehow grabbed me before he fell backwards once more.

You used "backwards" twice here. Not a huge problem, but consider re-wording. Also true.

He swung his arm at me, his nails raking against my cheek and I kicked him in the face.

You need a comma after "cheek". This is true as well.

I yanked it out in a spray of blood, before slashing at his face.

No comma needed. It would sound a bit better if you said "I yanked it out...and slashed his face," but fine either way. The second one does sound better, you're right.

I stoop there, panting, as the adrenalin ebbed out of me.

"Stoop" should be "stood" and "andrenalin" is misspelled as well. Typos, typos... *tuts*

I sat there, staring at the blank screen of the television, with the white words plastered across it.

I feel like that last phrase detracts from the sense of bluntness and confusion. Consider taking it out. Otherwise, split up the sentence a bit. Maybe, I don't know.

Suddenly, a voice pierced the darkness.

"Silence" would make more sense here. Haha, typo'd again. :/

Besides that, your writing was great. The story was truly well-written. Your descriptions of the action was very good, although there could have bit some more description of the setting. It was a catching introduction to what I'm sure will be an excellent story. I look forward to reading more, if you write any.

Nice work.

Thanks for the review! I'll revise it when I get back from school.
And thanls, Silented, good to see you liked it.

Left 4 Dead is some serious awesome stuff. Well anyway, I'm Moo, and I couldn't resist reviewing this once I saw the title. I hope I manage to help you out.

I sighed and flopped onto the sofa. I switched on the TV. The news was on again. The news was always on these days. Even when they weren’t reporting anything, it just said Please await further information.

Hm. A bit of a weak start here. You've thrown a few bland sentences the reader's way, and I immediately hesitated in reading on after this beginning (though I'm glad I did. ) Lengthen some of the sentences with conjunctions and give more description of the setting and our MC.

I stared at him, and he stared blankly back at me. His skin was pale, unnaturally pale, and he stunk like hell. Disco rings were forming on his shirt, under his arms. He glared at me with totally vacant eyes, his head cocked slightly to the side.
I grimaced. “Look, man, I don’t know what you’re trying to sell. I really don’t care. Bug off and stop stinking the place up.”

First of all, Disco rings? I assume it's a sweat patch, but the phrase seemed far too comical for the description of a flesh-lusting zombie. Also, we get a little description of our zombie here... but not enough. The infected in L4D are pretty gruesome, and it would be much more appropriate if you stuck to the stencil the game has already provided.

Just before I reached it, it fell in with an almighty crash and I was left staring at the man again.
We both stood in silence for a few seconds. He was staring at me again, in exactly the same way as he had been before.

Again... a pretty vague incident. More description here would be great. What about the impact of the door hitting the floor? What is the zombie doing, just lying there? Isn't he snarling, frothing, tearing? Is there damage to the door where he had been thrashing it? Elaborate. Paint the picture for the reader so we know what you want us to see.

I'll not quote it, but I thought the fight scene was very good. It was fast paced, gritty, generally what I expected. Well done on that. However, it would be nice to get more descriptions of their surroundings during the fight. Are they smashing into or falling over the furniture etc? These are the little details that really matter in the story; they are what makes it believable. Just a little point to improve on.

It was over as soon as it had begun, and I was back with the words on the screen.
Please await further information.
It was only then that I realised what was really happening.

Nice ending, love the repetition of the TV screen's words.

Well, overall it was a good read, thank you for sharing! If you have any questions, comments etc. please let me know. I'd be happy to talk anything over with you.

Keep writing.

-Moo

Moo wrote:Left 4 Dead is some serious awesome stuff. Well anyway, I'm Moo, and I couldn't resist reviewing this once I saw the title. I hope I manage to help you out.

I sighed and flopped onto the sofa. I switched on the TV. The news was on again. The news was always on these days. Even when they weren’t reporting anything, it just said Please await further information.

Hm. A bit of a weak start here. You've thrown a few bland sentences the reader's way, and I immediately hesitated in reading on after this beginning (though I'm glad I did. ) Lengthen some of the sentences with conjunctions and give more description of the setting and our MC. Always been a problem with my writing. :/

I stared at him, and he stared blankly back at me. His skin was pale, unnaturally pale, and he stunk like hell. Disco rings were forming on his shirt, under his arms. He glared at me with totally vacant eyes, his head cocked slightly to the side.
I grimaced. “Look, man, I don’t know what you’re trying to sell. I really don’t care. Bug off and stop stinking the place up.”

First of all, Disco rings? I assume it's a sweat patch, but the phrase seemed far too comical for the description of a flesh-lusting zombie. Also, we get a little description of our zombie here... but not enough. The infected in L4D are pretty gruesome, and it would be much more appropriate if you stuck to the stencil the game has already provided. Well, the infection's only just started, so there wouldn't really be blood all around his mouth. Also, I've tried to describe it as if the character was looking at a normal person, as that is what he would be seeing him as. It's a good point, though.

Just before I reached it, it fell in with an almighty crash and I was left staring at the man again.
We both stood in silence for a few seconds. He was staring at me again, in exactly the same way as he had been before.

Again... a pretty vague incident. More description here would be great. What about the impact of the door hitting the floor? What is the zombie doing, just lying there? Isn't he snarling, frothing, tearing? Is there damage to the door where he had been thrashing it? Elaborate. Paint the picture for the reader so we know what you want us to see. Yep. Good point.

I'll not quote it, but I thought the fight scene was very good. It was fast paced, gritty, generally what I expected. Well done on that. However, it would be nice to get more descriptions of their surroundings during the fight. Are they smashing into or falling over the furniture etc? These are the little details that really matter in the story; they are what makes it believable. Just a little point to improve on.

It was over as soon as it had begun, and I was back with the words on the screen.
Please await further information.
It was only then that I realised what was really happening.

Nice ending, love the repetition of the TV screen's words. Thanks!

Well, overall it was a good read, thank you for sharing! If you have any questions, comments etc. please let me know. I'd be happy to talk anything over with you. Glad you liked it.

Keep writing.

-Moo

Thanks for the review!

I really liked it, gives an exhilirating opening to what seems like a nice piece.
The errors are pretty much summed up above me
goodjob

left 4 dead is an amazing game and i think you did it justice here. all the errors have been brought up above me but other than them i thought this was very well written and maybe you could expand it into a zombie story of your own. keep up the good work.

p.s i love the inbetweeners too

WOW! I loved the game, and I love this story equally! Great job, and I can see others have corrected your mistakes already! Nice story.

Wow. Very good piece of fan fiction awesomeness here. I've played both Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2 and this does them justice. Definitely looking forward to seeing more parts or chapters. Grammar and punctuation is overall looking good. A few misspells here and there and some other minor stuff but judging by the number of reviews that have already pointed them out, looks like the bases are covered. Character introduction was a little weak as was the initial intro to the storyline but kicked off well once the zombie showed up. Very well done. Keep it up!

Nice fanfiction stuff here. Not in the awsome category but pretty good. I've played Left 4 Dead 1 and 2. Not much story in the game so it was pretty hard thinking this story i guess^^

XD LOL This Is To Funny, I Love The Game And I Love This Story, Can't Wait To Read More!

I'll start off by saying I also like the L4D games, and me and my dad are huge zombie fans. The beginnin was pretty good to where the character thought it was one of those door-to-door merchants. News, news, news=blech. But now the character

I stared at him, and he stared blankly back at me. His skin was pale, unnaturally pale, and he stunk like hell. Disco rings were forming on his shirt, under his arms. He glared at me with totally vacant eyes, his head cocked slightly to the side.
I grimaced. “Look, man, I don’t know what you’re trying to sell. I really don’t care. Bug off and stop stinking the place up.”

The way uou described the zombie was cool too.

I really like this- as a rule I don't really like fanfiction, but you've done some seriously good stuff with this piece.
The beginning is great- he's pissed off because the Inbetweebers is cancelled? I like him already.
I like the character, but I think he sometimes slips out of personality slightly at times; someone who says "Fuck off" at someone knocking at the door is likely to keep saying the "F-Word", and not slip into "bloody", but that's only a slight nitpick.
I also think that it should be something like "hurt like hell" rather than "hurt awfully"- it would just make the character's personality stronger.
Overall this is a fantastic piece; a pleasure to read!