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A Place to Belong part 3



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Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:06 pm
Celticmusicgirl says...



A few weeks later, Padriac and I are playing around in the woods behind the Cullens house with Jasper and Alice when Alice just seems to zone out. We soon realize that she is having a vision.
"Bridgid, Padraic? Can you two go inside please? Could you send Carlisle out here?" Jasper says calmly as he walks over to Alices side. With a nod Padriac and I go inside and look for Carlisle. We find him in his office reading. Padriac lightly knocks on the door to get his attention.
"Carlisle? Alice is having a vision. Jasper asked us to come ask you to go out to them."
"Alright. I'll be back soon. Do you think you two can handle being with the others for a few minutes?"
"Sure," both of us said at the same time.
Carlisle gets up and quickly moves past us and out to where Jasper and Alice are.
A while later Padriac and I come down the stairs after hearing a great deal of noise from outside to find Edward and the other Cullens confronting two other vampires one tall with shoulder-length black hair, and the other not as tall with brown cropped hair. Both wore khaki, safari style shirts, blue jeans, and hiking boots.
"Edward?" I ask curiously, "what's going on?"
"There's no time to explain you two just run. We'll find you later."
"You two better do what he says. This is not a situation for humans." Emmett says as he stares down the two other vampires.
With one look we both know what we have to do. Quickly Padriac and I grab our emergency messenger bag, which contains a little money, an extra oufit for each of us, flashlights, and extra batteries and head out into the woods. Once there, since we don't know which way to go we just start heading east. Towards what? We don't know.
What is going on? Why did Padraic and I have to leave our only shelter? Where are we supposed to go? Wait we could go to our old tree house. Sure, it's really dilapidated but it's better than nothing!
"Padraic? Do you remember that old tree house we used to play in?"
"What about it?"
"Well we could stay there until it's safe to go back. I mean, sure, it's not the best thing to live in but it's definitely better than sleeping in the middle of the woods."
"Alright. Let's go then."
We trudge through the woods as quickly and quietly as we can while watching our footing so we don't fall or step on any snakes, etc. Our progress is slow because of the fallen branches, rocks, and tree roots. The high branches full of leaves let in very little light so we have to strain to see where we are going. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard that it feels like it's going to explode. I can't help but wonder what was going on back at the house. A million questions are going through my mind.
Why was Edward so urgent? Why were two newborns standing there in the living room? What did Alice see in her vision? Was it the newborns?
By sunset we are just too exhausted to keep walking, so I gather up some dry leaves and twigs while Padraic works on starting a fire so we could have some warmth. The two of us take turns keeping watch while the other sleeps.
The two of us start again at sunrise the next morning, stopping only at noon to rest and eat what little we could find there in the woods. Before long, the tree house comes into sight and we start to relax a little.
What a relief! I can't help but worry about the others though. I hope they are alright. I just hope we can go back soon.
I am the first in and next comes Padraic. It isn't until we both are inside that we notice the two newborns standing there intently watching us.
WHAT!? How did they figure out where we were headed? Were they waiting for us?
Then, one of the newborns chuckles as both of them start to move towards the two of us.
Last edited by Celticmusicgirl on Sun Nov 28, 2010 2:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"No life is forever. We found and fought here. We loved and died here... The crops whither and the bones of hunger walk the sunken roads... The land has failed us... In dance and song we gift and mourn our children. They carry us over the ocean in dance and song.
-American Wake by Riverdance
  





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Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:23 pm
BubbleGirl says...



Ahoy-hoy, Celtic!
The action's clipping along, and it looks like Brigid and Padraic are going to be vampire munchies! I can't wait to see what happens next! I'll go read part 4 now! Keep writing! :)
"I didn't lie! I was writing fiction with my mouth!" -Homer Simpson
  





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Sun Nov 28, 2010 4:42 am
SisterItaly says...



Hey, I'm Puzzle, I'll be your reviewer for today. I'm not a big fan of fanfiction... but here goes nothing.


"Alright. I'll be back soon. Do you think you two can handle being with the others for a few minutes?"
Carlisle gets up and quickly moves past us and out to where Jasper and Alice are.
- He didn't even give them a chance to respond? I'm not a big fan of the books or movies, but that doesn't seem very Carlisle like. When writing a fanfiction you must stay true to the characters personality.

We trudge through the woods as quickly and quietly as we can while watching our footing so we don't fall or step on any snakes or anything like that. Our progress is slow because of the fallen branches, rocks, and tree roots. The high branches full of leaves let in very little light so we have to stain to see where we are going.
- Okay I'm bored. Try adding a bit of emotion, you're lacking in the emotions my friend.

By sunset we are just too tired to keep walking, so I gather up some dry leaves and twigs while Padraic works on starting a fire so we could have some warmth. The two of us take turns keeping watch while the other sleeps.
The two of us start again at sunrise the next morning, stopping only at noon to rest and eat what little we could find there in the woods. Before long, the tree house comes into sight and we start to relax a little.
- Where's the imagery, the emotion? Make me feel something. Make me feel empathetic for the characters.
What a relief! I can't help but worry about the others though. I hope they are alright. I just hope we can go back soon.
- I notice you've been using italics for her thoughts, it's first person... you don't have to do that.


Overall.

No emotion, no imagery, and quiet frankly you could have better word choice.You've got a good skeleton of a fanfiction started though. I feel this was a bit short to be a chapter. Please, re-write it then PM me.
"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.
  








[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] GrandWild: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— GrandWild