Young Writers Society

The two newborns come toward Padraic and I grinning cruelly. Knowing it would do no good to run from vampires we stand there helplessly.
"Well, Kieran looks like we got lucky," the shorter vampire says hungrily.
"It seems we have, Darcy," the taller one answers happily. He reaches out and turns my face to face his.
"Oh, come on little one.There is nothing to fear. We won't harm you." He laughs and says something unintelligable to Darcy, then, grabs me and throws me across the room to Darcy who pins my arms behind me.
"Bridgid! Are you alright?"
"Yeah. I'm fine. I'd be doing better if I could knock these guys out." I glare at Kieran angrily as he turns to Padraic.
"Well, Darcy what do you say we take these two back to our place?"
"Can't we have just as much fun with them here?"
"You're right Darcy. We can have just as much fun here."
Oh no! Now what? There's no way we can get past them alive! If we don't figure out something soon we're as good as dead!
Kieran puts his hand out towards me, as if wanting me to take it. Automatically Darcy shoves me over towards the opposite side of the room. After some stumbling, I run back over to Padraic and taking his hand I turn to face Kieran and Darcy.
"Kieran? Do we have to torture them? Can't we go ahead and drink them?"
"Darcy there's not much of a point to killing them after how much we went through to get to them."
"But Kieran I'm thirsty." Kieran and Darcy continue to argue. I feel tears sting my eyes. No, I tell myself sternly, I must be strong if for noone else for Mom and Dad. As Padraic and I sat huddled together on the floor I softly sing to confort the two of us.
"Take my hand and follow every step so softly. Just before the dawn arrives close your eyes and listen. Let the air surround you try to leave this world behind."
"Alright Darcy, I'll take the girl and you can drink the lad."
"Fair enough Kieran."
I move closer to Padriac and tightly clutch his shirt hiding my face, finally letting the tears break through. Kieran just smiles as he approaches me and Darcy approaches Padraic. I feel our pulses increase dramatically and I fight the urge to scream, for I know it will do no good call for help because there is noone within hearing distance and even if there is they can do nothing to protect us against two vampires. Kieran's cruel laugh raises goosebumps on my arms and causes me to break into a cold sweat. As if I have no control whatsoever anymore, I cry harder and Padraic tries to comfort me stroking my hair. I am almost sure he has tears streaming from his eyes but I feel as if my body is frozen. Just as they reach for the two of us, they are abruptly thrown across the room.
"Emmett! Edward!" Padraic and I cry in unision.
"You two stay back." Edward called over his shoulder. With a nodd, Padraic and I move as far from them as we can. For a long time Edward and Emmett and Kieran and Darcy just stand there growling at each other.Then Kieran tries to make a run for it and get to us but Emmett grabs him from behind. Soon, Jasper and Carlisle come in to help out. Before we know it, they have Darcy ripped apart and are working on tearing Kieran apart. Kieran looks at Paraic and I and makes a final, desperate attempt to get to at least one of us. He jerks out of grip and makes a dash for the two of us. Emmett grabs him and holds on while Edward and Jasper start ripping his arms off. Then, they snap his neck. I close my eyes at the snarls and shrieks of agony. I fight the urge to scream and tell them to stop. Carlisle takes a silver lighter from his pocket and set the two newborns' remains on fire.
Emmett and Carlisle come to Paraic and I. I wrap my arms around Emmett's cold neck gratefully with tears streaming down from my green eyes.
"You two alright," Carlisle asks.
"Yeah," Padraic replies looking at me, "a bit shaken up, but otherwise, I think we're fine."
"Let's get you two humans out of here." Emmett says as he reaches for me.
When we get back to the Cullen's house and have some food Padraic and I go to Carlisle in his office to thank him.
"Carlisle? Bridgid and I would like your permission to do something." We quickly explain our plan for thanking the whole family. It is then that I realize that Jasper had used his mood control to keep us calm during the fight.
Later that evening after supper we ask the Cullens to join us in their living room. We ask Edward to allow us to use his concert piano. He agrees. So, with Padraic playing the piano for me and singing along, I sing for the whole family. "And if we leave this western shore, from far away we'll hear the singing. The sounds we hear, they fill the air.They are the voice of our belonging..."
After that I sing one especially for Jasper.
"This next one is for you Jasper. Thanks for keeping both of us calm during that fight. Alice told me your story and well this song seemed to stick out. I hope you like it." Alice looks at Jasper and nudges him as I start singing.
"My brave boy sleeps in his faded coat of blue. In a lonely grave unknown lies a heart that beats so true..."
As I finish the song I see Jasper smile at me and it is then that we all realize that where Padraic and I belong is right here. Right here with the Cullens.



Special thanks to Sweetyb1 for helping me stay on track with this story. Thanks so much! This story wouldn't have been as good as it is without your help!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j892GZHgmPE link to Voice of Home if anyone wants to listen to it.
Faded coat of blue link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMcibQsm7bs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6MUOlpm8QA link to Melody of Life

Well you already I know I like it, but here's some extra advice for you my friend!

First off, incorporating songs into a piece is something I really enjoy, but perhaps you should show the characters singing the first line or so. That way the readers get a feel for the kind of song it is, and we get the message if for some reason we can't access the song or just don't feel like listening to it. Plus, having the character actually sing some of the lines makes it seem more emotional. Also, don't say they were singing such and such song by whoever. Just have the lines, and then you can link to what they were singing afterward for those interested. Just putting in the title and the artist messes with the flow and interrupts the action.

Next, give us some more description. Descriptions of how things look, how Brigid and Paidrac feel. A bit more of that, but don't just tell us, show us. Rather than saying "we were horrified" or something like that, say "goosebumps formed all along our arms, and I had to fight not to vomit." That gives me more of an image of how horrified they are, and you don't have to say the characters are horrified if you do that, the reader gets the picture. People don't go around always saying "I'm sad" or "I'm happy." We have certain mannerisms associated with our emotions. For example, when I am sad, I am always silent because if I try to talk I generally start to cry.

And one last small detail, commas commas commas. Check if you need a comma in a long sentence! It makes the thought make much more sense.

Overall though, you know I liked it, and I thought you got everyone's personality down. That's quite an accomplishment when writing a fanfiction. So many people ruin the characters they are trying to portray. They aren't yours, so you must stick to the author's descriptions, and you did that! Way to go, write more fanfics. I like helping

Hi, Celtic!
I'm so glad Brigid and Padraic got away from the newborns! I love that everything works out in the end, and that they have a new home. Keep writing!