Young Writers Society

You want to know the worst part about love? When your "boyfriend" jumps off a cliff. Now don't go, "*Gasp!!*" He didn't die, although I wish he did... He's got wings. And so do I, for that matter. Just incase you a newbe in the awesome adventures of Max (that's me) and her feathered friends, there's six... sorry, five of us. Me, Max, I'm sixteen, Iggy, sixteen also, Nudge, twelve, Gazzy, nine, and Angel, seven. There's also Total, our talking dog, but he got married and is on his honeyoon currenlty, so you might not be hearing much from him. We all have wings, yes even Total. Fang, he's he one that jumped off the cliff, Angel and I can breathe under water, as well as fly. Gazzy is... gassy. Iggy is blind but can feel colors. Nudge can attract metal and practacly hack into any computer. Angel can read minds, communticate with animals, communicat telepathically with people, control people's minds, and breate under water, as I've already mentioned. We were all brought up in a place called The School, where they experiment on animals, and children. We are all 2% avian (bird, that's how we can fly) and 98% human. Angel's also 75% creepy. We call our selves the flock, and currently, the flock is under cover.

Over the past couple of weeks since Fang left, everyone's been trying to console me. The thing is, these idiots should just leave me alone, if they know what's good for them.

"Max, we aren't idiots, your just saying that because your depressed that Fang left. If you want, I can ask him to come back." Angel squeaked. I glared hard at her,

"I told you to knock that off! And I'm not depressed!" I hissed at her. She just shrugged and flounced off so that Nudge could braid her hair. Iggy rolled his eyes.

"Please, you try and deny it, but face it, you looove him. Mwa mwa mwa..." Iggy taunted. I swear, I'm just about ready to rip his freaking guts out. But I resested the urge and stalked off to the balcony.

It's been over a week since we've heard the last of the creeps who want to sell us and cut us open. So natrauly, I'm stressed. Stressed about alot. For example:

1) Fang
2) Fang
3) Fang
4) Erasers, are they really dead, or just in hideing??
5) Angel, she's getting creepier every day.
6) Fang... again.

It get over whelming after a while. So I jumped into the open sky. And waited....... then unfurled my wings from by back and went soaring up into the sky. There's nothing like a good flight to get your mind off things.

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After everyone was asleep, Angel padded out of the her bedroom and onto the balcony. Even though Max said not to, and Angel knew that she would most likely be excommunicated if she did, she sent out a message to Fang. Please come back, Fang. She though, Max is sad and she needs you. Please, please come back as soon as you can, I miss you. So does Max, Iggy,Nudge, Gazzy, and Mrs. Martinez. Fang please come back. Love, Angel Then she shut the doors and scurried back into her room. If Max heard it, she was going to be dead meat.

Luckilly Fang was staying in a nearby cliff and sent a message back, hoping that Angel was still listening. He thought:
Angel, I know Max is sad. But she's also angry at me. If I come back and she's still angry at me, you might have a chance to see if you can contact the dead, if you know what I mean. You can come and see me though, I'm in a cliff three below you and two to the right. Come now, while they're all still asleep. Then Fang stepped out to the mouth of the cave letting the soft moonlight hit his jet black hair. In an instant, he saw little Angel soaring over head with her snow white wings.

Angel landed on the edge of the cave and gave Fang a great big hug. She missed him, but much less that Max.

"Fang, you need to come back, I'll make Max not hurt you. I promise, just come back. Please!!" She cried.

Fang looked into her crystal blue eyes.

"Alright, but she can't lay a finger on me unless she has no intention of hurting me." He agreed.

So Angel led him back into the safe house and let him to sleep on the spare bed. Max was going to kill her, but Angle didn't care, because Fang was back.

Hey there twiggers!
Okay, I’m going to say right off the bat, it’s been ages since I read any of the Maximum Ride series. Like, two years now. But I do kind of want to go back and read some of them again now. ^^

And you have a nice idea here. The thing that really bothers me is with your first paragraph. It’s very bulky, especially for an opening. As a general rule, opening paragraphs should be sharp and to the point. Take for instance the opening line of Areida’s short story “Beach Boys Kind of Girl.”

Areida wrote:Our daughters look just like you.

It’s short and sweet and still grabs the reader’s attention. I loved this story (it actually won a contest of mine) because of that opening line. It made me stop and ask, “Why? How?”

You could do the same thing. But it would mean cutting out A LOT of stuff. All you really need are those first two sentences: “Do you want to know the worst part about love? When your "boyfriend" jumps off a cliff.”

You could even make it a bit longer. If it was me (when I say that, I only mean I’m making a suggestion) I would have done something like:

Do you want to know the worst part about love?

It isn’t when your boyfriend forgets your birthday. Or when he shows up late for your date. No. By far the worse part of love is when your “boyfriend” jumps off a cliff.

It’s the same idea; it’s just the execution that’s different.


Another thing I wanted to bring up with the first paragraph is the massive information dump that you get. About a year and a half ago, I wrote an article on keeping things simple, here. That’s really all you need to do here. If your reader is already reading this, because it’s fan fiction, then they likely already know the characters and their stories already. So you don’t need to fill everybody in on what they already know. It’s repetitive and redundant.

The last thing I’ll be annoying and bring up is that you really need to read through this for spelling, missing words, wrong words, and grammar. I don’t know if you use Microsoft Works or Word or what to do your writing but make sure to use your spell check feature. If you don’t have one, check out this free spell checking website.

I know this might have seemed a bit negative but I promise, it’s not meant to be. If you have any questions, comments, or whatever, let me know.

~lilymoore

[quote="twiggers"] Just incase you a newbe in the awesome adventures of Max (that's me) and her feathered friends, there's six... sorry, five of us...

Seems a little bit odd to say "newbe." Maybe you could say unfamiliar?

I'll edit this for you real quick... My edits and comments are in red. It's a nice idea and makes for a good one-shot, but it needs some tweaks here and there. I would focus your efforts on spelling and grammar for right now... But don't let that discourage you! You are full of great stories just waiting to be written! And take these edits with a grain of salt - they don't mean all that much. =]

twiggers wrote:Do you want to know the worst part about love? It's when your "boyfriend" jumps off a cliff.

Now, don't go, "Gasp!" He didn't die, although I wish he had... You see, he's got wings. And so do I, for that matter.

Just incase you are a newbie in the awesome adventures of Max - that's me - and her feathered friends, there's six ... sorry, five of us. My name is Max and I'm sixteen. There's Iggy, who's sixteen also. Nudge, who's twelve; Gazzy, nine; and Angel, seven. There's also Total, our talking dog, but he got married and is on his honeymoon currently, so you might not be hearing much from him.

We all have wings - yes, even Total. Fang, he's the one who jumped off the cliff, Angel, and I can breathe under water. We can also fly.

Gazzy is ... gassy. Iggy is blind, but can feel colors. Nudge can attract metal and practically hack into any computer. Angel can read minds, communicate with animals, communicate telepathically with people, control peoples' minds, and breathe under water, as I've already mentioned.

We were all brought up in a place called The School, where they experiment on animals and children. We are all 2% avian - which means that we're part bird; that's how we can fly, you see - and 98% human. Angel's also 75% creepy. We call ourselves the flock, and currently, the flock is under cover.

Over the past couple of weeks since Fang left, everyone's been trying to console me. The thing is, these idiots should just leave me alone - if they know what's good for them...

"Max, we aren't idiots. You're just saying that because you're depressed that Fang left. If you want, I can ask him to come back," Angel squeaked.

I glared hard at her. "I told you to knock that off! And I'm not depressed!" I hissed at her.

She just shrugged and flounced off so that Nudge could braid her hair. (This would probably be better in two or three different sentences. I'll leave it up to you to figure that one out.) Iggy simply rolled his eyes.

"Please. You try and deny it, but face it, you love him. (Never make the words long like that. Use italics for emphasis.) Mwa mwa mwa..." Iggy taunted. (This is another of the ones where I'll leave it up to you. "Mwa mwa mwa" is okay, I suppose. But another thing you could do is have Iggy say all that, but leave that bit out. Then you could write - after saying "Iggy taunted." - "He laughed evilly." or something of a similar nature.)

I swear, I'm just about ready to rip his freaking guts out. But I resisted the urge and stalked off to the balcony. It's been over a week since we've heard the last of the creeps who want to sell us and cut us open. So naturally, I'm stressed. Stressed about alot... For example:

1) Fang

2) Fang

3) Fang

4) Erasers: Are they really dead, or just in hiding?

5) Angel: She's getting creepier every day.

6) Fang ... again.

It get over whelming after a while. (Suddenly switching to present tense = big no-no. I suggest you change this sentence to: "After a while, the stress got overwhelming," then continue into the next sentence, "so I" etc.) So I jumped into the open sky. I waited ... (Another no-no. Don't use any amount of periods other than one and three.) and unfurled my wings from behind my back and went soaring up into the sky. There's nothing like a good flight to get your mind off things...

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After everyone was asleep, Angel padded out of the her bedroom and onto the balcony. Even though Max said not to, and Angel knew that she would most likely be excommunicated (Why is Angel being banned from attending Communion, again?) if she did, she sent out a message to Fang.

Please come back, Fang, she thought. Max is sad and she needs you. Please, please come back as soon as you can. I miss you. So does Max, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, and Mrs. Martinez. Fang, please come back. Love, Angel.

Then she shut the doors and scurried back into her room. If Max heard it, she was going to be dead meat.

Luckily, Fang was staying in a nearby cliff. He sent a message back, hoping that Angel was still listening. He thought, Angel, I know that Max is sad. But she's also angry at me. If I come back and she's still angry at me, you might have a chance to see if you can contact the dead - if you know what I mean. You can come and see me, though. I'm in a cliff three below you and two to the right. Come now, while they're all still asleep. Then Fang stepped out to the mouth of the cave, letting the soft moonlight (Well, this could be a matter of preference, but ... I would say "faint" instead of "soft" because moonlight can't be felt. [Unless you're me, of course. You can feel me, I'm not a ghost... XD]) hit his jet black hair. In an instant, he saw little Angel soaring overhead with her snow-white wings.

Angel landed on the edge of the cave and gave Fang a great, big hug. She missed him, but much less than Max.

"Fang, you need to come back. I'll make Max not hurt you. I promise - just come back. Please!" she cried.

Fang looked into her crystal blue eyes. "Alright, but she can't lay a finger on me unless she has no intention of hurting me," he agreed.

So Angel led him back into the safe house and let him sleep on the spare bed. Max was going to kill her, but Angel didn't care, because Fang was back.

I haven't read those, books, but my cousin recomended them and if they're anything like what you wrote, I really want to read them! You display your characters personalities well, although I suppose since it's fan fic that helped. Still, you had really good control over your characters. I don't know, but I'm guessing that in the books if the stories from someone other than Max's point of view, it's in third person. it also seems kind of fast when Fang comes back. He's been gone for two weeks and comes back just like that? Good though, you are a talented writer.

This was great. Can't wait till his new book comes out this month. Keep up the writing and the good work