Young Writers Society

"HI!!!! so i was in the mood of writing something comical and so i heard about the half conflict and half comedy on vampires verses wizards. here i am writing the post. the posts will be done weekly. well when i find time and i am already working on another piece so if you like it the really "like" it "

Harry and Edward came face to face in the forbidden forest.
"What are you doing here?" said Harry
"What does it look like i'm doing, i'm taking Bella for a piggy back ride" said Edward
Harry noticed Bella.
"Well hello gorgeous...." said Harry as he licked his hand and straightened his untidy hair.
Bella stares back. replies "..uh...i ..i..but..i..cheese cake"
"FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL GET YOU A CHEESE CAKE ON OUR WAY BACK TO FORKS!!" shouted Edward
"Women" said harry
"yeah like totally!" said Edward
"so...caught up with Voldemort yet? hey that reminds me i met him in settle two days ago"
"really? what was he doing!?!" said harry
" well we were in the same aisle....he was buying mac and cheese" replied edward
"NOOOOOO! he knows my weakness is mac and cheese!!!!! that stupid mud blood must have told him! shes always texting with him!!"said harry
"dude...can you still sparkle?" asked harry
"maybe.....WANNA SEE?"
"OOOO!! I DO! I DO!" said bella
"huh..well if you insist" replied Edward
"no! no! i just ate" said harru

the end

Spoiler! :

[spoiler]

[/spoiler]

jamesMarcus wrote:"HI!!!! so i was in the mood of writing something comical and so i heard about the half conflict and half comedy on vampires verses wizards. here i am writing the post. the posts will be done weekly. well when i find time and i am already working on another piece so if you like it the really "like" it "

Harry and Edward came face to face in the forbidden forest.
"What are you doing here?" said Harry
"What does it look like I'm doing, I'm taking Bella for a piggy back ride," said Edward
Harry noticed Bella.
"Well hello, gorgeous....," said Harry as he licked his hand and straightened his untidy hair.
Bella stares back. replies, "..uh...I ..I..but..I..cheese cake"
"FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL GET YOU A CHEESE CAKE ON OUR WAY BACK TO FORKS!!" shouted Edward
"Women," said harry
"yeah, like, totally!" said Edward
"so...caught up with Voldemort yet? Hey that reminds me I met him in Seattle two days ago"
"Really? What was he doing!?!" said Harry
" Well we were in the same aisle....he was buying mac and cheese" replied Edward
"NOOOOOO! He knows my weakness is mac and cheese!!!!! That stupid mud blood must have told him! She's always texting with him!!" said Harry
"Dude...can you still sparkle?" asked harry
"Maybe.....WANNA SEE?"
"OOOO!! I DO! I DO!" said Bella
"Huh..well if you insist" replied Edward
"No! No! I just ate," said Harry

the end

Spoiler! :

[spoiler]

[/spoiler]

Your main problems are puncuation, capitalization, and just that...
"I"s are always capitalized.
Watch your commas and capitalize the first letter in a name like Bella or Harry.
Try this article if you want:
http://www.suite101.com/content/how-to- ... rly-a78227
It may be helpful.
Otherwise, I did find this funny and cute. Hope you get writting soon.

Haha, very funny

Your grammar wasn't great... well, it was actually not good at all, but I suspect you did it mostly on purpose, or just weren't really paying attention...

You should do this weekly! It's hillarious!

--
TabbyGirl

Ok I love this it is hilarious! this is a first wizard and vampire thing i have read here. Good Job! I agree with the others you grammar needs work in punctuation and capitalization. Other than that, your content and structure was great. Overall, very funny. I loved it. Please post more. If you do post more msg me and I shall read it.
Maith adh,
Celticmusicgirl

I found it very hilarious! xD
Yes... like everyone else said, your grammar was... not good. I have to say... it's worst than mine D:
I don't know if you did it on purpose or just wrote it quickly without checking.
Overall, it is funny, or at least I found it funny with that cheese cake xD

Hello James!

This is my first review in quite some time, so I have to thank you for breaking me out of my rut. I like the idea of parodying the Twilight series and even Harry Potter (to a certain extent), so the title caught me. Well, that and there was a typo in the title: "choosen" should be "chosen", but I digress. I actually wrote something like this in collaboration with a friend of mine and I have it posted here on YWS. It's fun to write these sort of things, isn't it?
In any case, I found your story amusing. I laughed when Harry tried to tidy his hair and Bella responded with thoughts about cheesecake. Of course, detracting from the story were the multitude of grammatical errors and proliferate use of captital letters. I won't go into much more detail seeing as how the other reviewers have already mentioned and corrected that. I do think that you should write more. Well, thanks again for the funny read!

Happy Writing!
Bailey

Hello there, James! Fun idea you have here! I myself write fanfiction, but generally I stick within one story realm. It can be quite fun, can't it?

Anyways, on to the review. Corrections will be in red, so keep that in mind, please.

jamesMarcus wrote:Harry and Edward came face to face in the forbidden forest.

The Forbidden Forest should be capitalised, for your information.

jamesMarcus wrote:"What are you doing here?" said Harry.

Don't forget the period there.

jamesMarcus wrote:"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking Bella for a piggy back ride," said Edward.

First of all, do not, and I repeat, do not forget to capitalize things that need capitalizing, like 'I' and 'I'm.'

jamesMarcus wrote:"Well, hello gorgeous...." said Harry as he licked his hand and straightened his untidy hair.

Quirky! However, keep in mind that ellipses (these things: ...) should only last for three little dot-dot-dots, alright? Any more is unneccessary.

jamesMarcus wrote:Bella stared back, and replied, "..uh...I ..I..but..I..cheese cake."

Too many ellipses, used so incorrectly, my friend.

jamesMarcus wrote:"FOR THE LAST TIME, I WILL GET YOU A CHEESE CAKE ON OUR WAY BACK TO FORKS!!" shouted Edward.

One exclamation mark should be enough next time, I think.

jamesMarcus wrote:"Women," said Harry.

Names tend to be capitalized.

jamesMarcus wrote:"Yeah, like totally!" said Edward.
"So...caught up with Voldemort yet? Hey that reminds me, I met him in Seattle two days ago."
"Really? What was he doing!?!" said Harry.

Too much '!?!' gets annoying, truth be told. Also, work on capitalization and punctuation inside your dialogue. And it is Seattle, not 'settle.'

jamesMarcus wrote:"Well, we were in the same aisle. He was buying mac and cheese," replied Edward.
"NOOOOOO! He knows my weakness is mac and cheese!!!!! That stupid Mudblood must have told him! She's always texting with him!!"said Harry.
"Dude...can you still sparkle?" asked Harry.
"Maybe.....WANNA SEE?"
"OOOO!! I DO! I DO!" said Bella.
"Huh...well if you insist." replied Edward.
"No! No! I just ate." said Harry.

All that extra punctuation, lack of capitalization, and such really gave me a headache.

Overall
As funny an idea this is, the execution of the idea was quite frankly not all too good. As a writer, basic things like capitalization and dialogue and punctuation do need to be mastered, otherwise your readers will just become helplessly frustrated. I know that when I read this, I was immensely frustrated. I truly felt like you hadn't made an effort with the capitalization and punctuation.
However, this can be much better, just take into consideration what the other reviewers and I have said, and you should be able to improve this piece by a whole lot. I hope my review helps, and if you have any questions, comments, or anything, please message me.

Thank you,
Mizzle

Heya, I really like your Twilight/Harry Potter parody.
Many people have commented on your punctuation and grammar, and even though it may not be intentional, I think it adds to the colloquial feel, sort of like its mocking the characters- in a way, it adds to this story! But, in more serious stories, I think grammar and punctuation do count.
Keep on going! I like your work!

MissMadHatter

i see you all have enjoyed it!
sorry about the grammatical errors! i just wrote it randomly!
thank you so much for liking it and yes there is more to come!

jamesMarcus wrote:Harry and Edward came face to face in the forbidden forest.
"What are you doing here?" said Harry.
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking Bella for a piggy back ride," said Edward.
Harry noticed Bella.
"Well, hello gorgeous...," said Harry as he licked his hand and straightened his untidy hair.
Bella stares back, and replies "...Uh...I...I...but...I...cheese cake."
"FOR THE LAST TIME, I WILL GET YOU A CHEESE CAKE ON OUR WAY BACK TO FORKS!!" shouted Edward.
"Women," said Harry.
"Yeah, like totally!" said Edward. "So...caught up with Voldemort yet? Hey that reminds me I met him in Seattle two days ago."
"Really? What was he doing!?!" said Harry.
"Well we were in the same aisle...he was buying mac and cheese," replied Edward.
"NOOOOOO! He knows my weakness is mac and cheese!!!!! That stupid mudblood must have told him! She's always texting with him!!" said Harry. "Dude...can you still sparkle?" asked harry
"Maybe.....WANNA SEE?"
"OOOO!! I DO! I DO!" said Bella.
"Huh...well if you insist," replied Edward.
"No! No! I just ate," said Harry.

Just a few corrections here and there. I have to say...you are a genius! You now have my undying love!

Hello there!

My general impression of this is that I find it a bit random, like you've written this on the spot. Not that it's a very bad thing, just not a good idea to do, especially when you don't proofread before you publish it. Remember, quality matters even in just a paragraph, or a short story like this. However, you have a pretty funny concept about a wizard and a vampire. Two characters ended without any fight, a bit plain in the end, making me all unsatisfied about it. And especially with your title. I think you meant to say "...chosen tales". Just be a little bit careful next time. Also you need to work on your grammar, it's one of the reasons why this story has turned me off. And your parody seems a bit different, usually the character's personality should be maintained here, like Harry is supposed to be a bit serious or something like that. Overall, this made me laugh but just take into consideration the reviews you've received. :3

I know you might see this review harsh but I just wanted to help so... good luck on this.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Hi,
You are a pure genius! Harry Potter and Twilight are the best books i have ever read (apart from the Noughts and Crosses series). Anyway, my point is it's so random, it's the work of a legend in the making!

well thank you i hope you'r excited for more. i'm working on it.

Cool idea- you should look at your grammar though, because the way this is written seems almost like an outline more than a story. Also, I would consider establishing relationships between them and maybe making more of a purpose to the piece. I know it's humor, but it should still be done carefully.

jamesMarcus wrote:
Harry and Edward came face to face in the Forbidden Forest.
"What are you doing here?" said Harry.
"What does it look like I'm doing, i'm taking Bella for a piggy back ride" said Edward. Maybe describe Bella weakly hanging off his back or something.
Harry noticed Bella.
There should be a comma after either "hello" or "Gorgeous", and only three dots in the ellipse."Well hello gorgeous...." said Harry as he licked his hand and straightened his untidy hair.
Bella stares back and replies "..uh...i ..i..but..i..cheese cake"Three dots in the ellipse and capitalization as well as punctuation.
"FOR THE LAST TIME, I WILL GET YOU A CHEESE CAKE ON OUR WAY BACK TO FORKS!!" shouted Edward.
"Women," said Harry.
"Yeah, like totally!" said Edward. Continue with the same paragraph here, otherwise it looks like Harry is beginning to talk now.
"So...caught up with Voldemort yet? Hey! That reminds me, I saw him in Seattletwo days ago."
"Really? what was he doing!?!" said Harry. I would decide for the last sentence whether you want an exclamation mark or a question mark.
" well we were in the same aisle....he was buying mac and cheese" replied edward
"NOOOOOO! he knows my weakness is mac and cheese!!!!! that stupid mudblood must have told him! shes always texting with him!!"said harry I don't really get why you did the whole thing with the "mudblood", as it's completely out of character for Harry, unless of course, you're defining a new character for him to fit, in which case you need to make it rounder and develop it more.
Also, I would keep the same paragraph for when Harry speaks again, and maybe make it more relevant to the conversation they were having before. Otherwise, it kind of seems like you knew how you wanted to end it before writing it, and felt like ending it here, so just slid it in.
"dude...can you still sparkle?" asked harry
"maybe.....WANNA SEE?"
"OOOO!! I DO! I DO!" said bella
"huh..well if you insist" replied Edward
"no! no! i just ate" said harru Love this last line

So, great concept. Especially love the end. I would just work on the grammatical part of it, and maybe develop it a bit more. Nice job.

-Coral-

Hi!
This was hilarious! This is the first Harry Potter / Twilight parody I have read and I loved it! I don't think I need to mention the mistakes , as everyone else already took care of that.But I just had to tell you how good it was.I am really looking forward to more.


Great Job,
... july4Ruby...