Young Writers Society

Fandom: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Characters/Pairings: Shinji/Kaworu
Takes place after episode 24.

I'm just scared of the bed shaking. It's distant to me, everything. I'm scared of the maps, the cockpit, the intercom, everything, everyone else's words are just voices to me, and I lie here wondering if I'm still sane. I don't think I've ever seen the Eva destroy something in such a terrible way even though it was only the hand closing but now I can't remember any other explosions, any other victories, I'm scared of them.
I don't want to be here.
Even though you were there and I was here as well and you said (maybe, I thought I was dreaming, that had never even been said to me before) you loved me, or something. I suddenly didn't know where everything disappeared to, but I stopped wanting to pilot at all, if I even wanted to in the first place.
You're there though. So I can't leave. You're my favorite ghost.
When I look my eyes dart to the side and I can catch a glimpse of your hair maybe. Maybe I can reach out and stroke it but you disappear as fast as you came, I hope you don't hate me- for killing you. Even though. That was what you said you wanted me to do.
I hope you weren't lying.
I lay down on the cold surface and I pray that it's you that picks me up at some point. I hope. I can only hope.
(But I'm still drawing straight lines on this map.)
I'm cold.

==

But that smile just got straight to Shinji.
Everything else just became a voice even though people were speaking, and Kaworu's words were there, only his words, and they became music.
The only thing Shinji ever had. -But still. Asuka kissed him, but what on earth did that mean to him?
Kaworu... Kaworu never did that, Kaworu just looked at him.

==

It's still cold in here, I'm lying down on this bed, I'm still huddling under the covers, but somehow I feel you're there. I mean if you weren't an Angel then you would have stayed with me probably, you are the only thing I have. And I stay here and I am unable to think of anything else.
The ceiling is all that I can see and it is so familiar now that it's almost terrifying.
I need you. Come back so I can
just
keep you
with me forever
maybe tear you
into
pieces

but that doesn't matter right now because all I am is a shadow of who I was, if I was anything in the beginning.
My fingers don't move so easily it hurts to walk. I don't like moving anymore, anything. I feel as if my head is drunk but my brain is sober, like everything is dizzy.
And I'm miles from where you are and something tells me you're gone but I won't care, I won't care as long as the ghost of you that I keep, that I dig my claws into and hold onto until pieces fall away, stays with me.
Until I tear it apart and let it drift into the air and disintegrate maybe.

==

And then there was a minute's silence. An entire minute as Unit 01 held Kaworu, as Shinji held Kaworu, his mind blank but racing. Everyone looked on.
And then Shinji moved the hand. The shadow hit the water. And Shinji felt blankness sink in.

==

It's like I'm touching you, Kaworu, can you feel my fingertips on your face, on your skin? Like you're trembling. I can feel it beneath my fingers and I can't breathe, I can't speak, you're there.
I need
to keep this
memory if it even
existed
in the
first place
but it doesn't matter because I'm with you or at least, the ghost of who you were.
I feel like this big hole inside me is totally filled, filled with your presence, finally, I'm not scared anymore, I'm not- I swear-
But yes, I'm so afraid that you'll be gone at the minute that I look into your eyes again and maybe whisper something and you'll weep and disappear.
I don't want that, I'm believing right now.

==

Shinji never forgot Kaworu.
There were a lot of things that reminded Shinji of him. When Shinji were to look at one of those things, the memories were to rush back in little flashes, ending with the shadow hitting the water. And Shinji would wince and slump in his seat.
But the words that he first said, the words, were just like the music.

==

God, Kaworu please just come back, come back to me, come back to where we were and tell me you love me again
Tell me you need me just as much as I need you tell me I'm worth something to you
Run your fingers through my hair
I'm scared
Don't leave me
Come
back
and
let me
touch
you
again

A/N: ugh. Too much Twilight around here, I wonder if anyone will review NGE fic...

Hey there! I'm SporkPunk and I'll review this today. I wont review from the fanfic point, simply because I'm not familiar with this particular anime, though I do like anime. (Stuff like Jigoku Shojo/Chobits/Deathnote/etc.) But I will try to be as thorough as I can, by correcting your piece as I read. This in mind, red font is for spelling errors, green is for word choice, and purple is my commentary. Right then, let's review.

I'm just scared of the bed shaking. It's distant to me, everything. I'm scared of the maps, the cockpit, the intercom, everything. I honestly think you could end the sentence here and make this first bit more powerful. Everyone else's words are just voices to me, and I lie here wondering if I'm still sane. I don't think I've ever seen the Eva destroy something in such a terrible way even though it was only the hand closing. I also think a stoppage here would be more powerful. Now I can't remember any other explosions, any other victories; I'm scared of them. Semi-colon here or else it becomes a run-on sentence.
I don't want to be here.
Even though you were there and I was here as well and you said (maybe, I thought I was dreaming, that had never even been said to me before) you loved me, or something. I suddenly didn't know where everything disappeared to, but I stopped wanting to pilot at all, if I even wanted to in the first place. This paragraph isn't exactly coherent. I think you meant to do that, but I think making sure you don't lose your readers while still confusing them a bit is a better option, which would require some editing.
You're there though. So I can't leave. You're my favorite ghost.
When I look my eyes dart to the side and I can catch a glimpse of your hair, maybe. Maybe I can reach out and stroke it, but you disappear as fast as you came. I hope you don't hate me- for killing you. Even though. That was what you said you wanted me to do.
I hope you weren't lying.
I lay down on the cold surface and I pray that it's you that picks me up at some point. I hope. I can only hope.
(But I'm still drawing straight lines on this map.) I quite like this line.
I'm cold.

==

But that smile just got straight to Shinji.
Everything else just became a voice even though people were speaking, and Kaworu's words were there, only his words, and they became music.
The only thing Shinji ever had. -But still. Asuka kissed him, but what on earth did that mean to him?
Kaworu... Kaworu never did that, Kaworu just looked at him.

This part is also fragmented, but I think it goes along with NGE? I couldn't follow it well, to be honest. Probably because I'm not familiar with it.

==

It's still cold in here, I'm lying down on this bed, I'm still huddling under the covers, but somehow I feel you're there. I mean if you weren't an angel Nouns generally aren't capitalized when coming after an article. then you would have stayed with me probably, you are the only thing I have. And I stay here and I am unable to think of anything else. ...Honestly, I think you paint a picture of grief really well here. I know exactly how it feels, the inability to think of anything other tan the sadness, and that feeling that they aren't truly gone.
The ceiling is all that I can see and it is so familiar now that it's almost terrifying.
I need you. Come back so I can
just
keep you
with me forever
maybe tear you
into
pieces.

But that doesn't matter right now because all I am is a shadow of who I was, if I was anything in the beginning.
My fingers don't move so easily; it hurts to walk. I don't like moving anymore, anything. I feel as if my head is drunk but my brain is sober, like everything is dizzy.
And I'm miles from where you are and something tells me you're gone but I won't care, I won't care as long as the ghost of you that I keep, that I dig my claws into and hold onto until pieces fall away, stays with me.
Until I tear it apart and let it drift into the air and disintegrate, maybe.

==

And then there was a minute's silence. An entire minute as Unit 01 held Kaworu, as Shinji held Kaworu, his mind blank but racing. Everyone looked on.
And then Shinji moved the hand. The shadow hit the water. And Shinji felt blankness sink in.

== Two different narrators? You should make that clearer. Like, put one narrator in italics or something.

It's like I'm touching you, Kaworu, can you feel my fingertips on your face, on your skin? Like you're trembling. I can feel it beneath my fingers and I can't breathe, I can't speak, you're there.
I need
to keep this
memory, if it even
existed
in the
first place
but it doesn't matter because I'm with you or at least, the ghost of who you were.
I feel like this big hole inside me is totally filled, filled with your presence, finally. I'm not scared anymore, I'm not- I swear-
But yes, I'm so afraid that you'll be gone at the minute that I look into your eyes again and maybe whisper something and you'll weep and disappear.
I don't want that, I'm believing right now.

==

Shinji never forgot Kaworu.
There were a lot of things that reminded Shinji of him. When Shinji were to look at one of those things, the memories were to rush back in little flashes, ending with the shadow hitting the water. And Shinji would wince and slump in his seat.
But the words that he first said, the words, were just like the music.

==

God, Kaworu please just come back, come back to me, come back to where we were and tell me you love me again
Tell me you need me just as much as I need you tell me I'm worth something to you
Run your fingers through my hair
I'm scared
Don't leave me
Come
back
and
let me
touch
you
again

Hm. Interesting. I like what you did with two narrators, but you need to differentiate them more. And some parts read almost like a poem to me, but they were generally structured like prose, which made things awkward. There were only a few errors, which was nice. The last part, the one that looks like a poem, is choppy, but not a good kind of choppy. I suggest chunking it up a little. Like, "Come back/and let me/touch you/again" it would look neater and send a more powerful message.

I think you captured the feeling of grief well.

Keep Writing!
Sporks