Young Writers Society

Hi!
So I have once again returned with more sparkly wizard tales. I would like to thank all the people who read it and liked it. Honestly I did enjoy getting my first feature and I hope to receive more soon. There will be no more grammatical errors or spelling mistakes and this time I did proof read it.
It’s not only Hannah Montana who has a double side but Professor Snape too.
It was a dull afternoon, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff had a combined Defense against the Dark Art class. Snape was giving his first lesson of the subject he was dying to teach. Any idea how Snape got the job? Let’s go in a flash back.
“Head Master there is no one applying for the job, please let me take this post” said Snape with a serious yet persuading tone.
“Mmmm…nope!” replied Dumbledore.
“But WHY NOT!?!” said Snape in an irritated way.
“Just because” said Dumbledore in a playful voice
“Huh…I have a sherbet lemon” said Snape dangling the sherbet in front of Dumbledore’s eyes.
“Gimme gimme!!” said Dumbledore hungrily.
“First the job.” Snape demanded
“Yeah whatever take it, now give me the sherbet!” said Dumbledore.
“Thank you head master” he said in a serious tone.
As soon as he left the office he sang.
“I GOT THE JOB! I GOT THE JOB! IN CELEBRATION I WILL SHAMPOO MY HAIR”
Back to the present.
“…And so the lesson concludes that vampires do not sparkle. Now do we all agree Mr. Diggory or as you like to call yourself ‘Mr. Cullen’?” said Snape.
Bella wanted to stick up for her beloved Edward and so she had an odd expression on her face.
“Miss. Swan do you need to visit the hospital wing for the 986th time” Snape taunted
“No I need to say something!!” she replied
“Then say it…OUT LOUD” Snape said
“IV’E SEEN HIM SPARKLE!!”
“HE CANNOT SPARKLE MISS.SWAN!!”
“I KNOW HE CAN! YO CHANG SAY SOMETHING”
“Oh...Well...I HARRY!” she replied
“Yes dear?” he replied
“No ...No this is the sixth part Harry, your suppose to be with me in this one remember?” said Ginny Weasely.
“Oh yeah…opps” replied Harry
“THAT IS ENOUGH! I conclude this lesson. Fifty points from Gryffindor!” said Snape angrily.
“What?! None of them are from the Gryffindor “said Ron Weasley
“I HATE THE COMBINATION RED AND GOLD THAT’S WHY!” shouted Snape.
Harry and Ron were very angry and so they decided to sneak up on Snape in his new office. Little did they know Snape had a secret in there? They walked in his office and found him on his desk, standing, wearing a blond wig and holding a toy mike.
“WHAT THE HELL??” shouted Harry
“Err…Harry, your mother and I spent a lot of time together” said Snape in an embarrassed voice.
“HUH?” said Ron.
“No body’s perfect Mr. Weasley” said Snape.

jamesMarcus wrote:Hi!

It’s not only Hannah Montana who has a double side but Professor Snape too.
It was a dull afternoon, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff had a combined Defense against the Dark Art class. This sentence is a comma splice. I would recommend either inserting "and" or separating the clauses altogether. \
Snape was giving his first lesson of the subject he was dying to teach. Maybe he'd been dying to teach? Or include how long he'd wanted to teach it before he was finally given the job?Any idea how Snape got the job? Let’s go in a flash back. "Let's go in a flashback" sounds kind of awkward. I think that just saying something like "Let's flashback for a moment" might work a little better.
“Head Master Headmaster should be one wordthere is no one applying for the job, please let me take this postcomma here, every time in dialog before the end quotation marks. You forgot it in a couple of other places as well.” said Snape with a seriouscomma here yet persuading tone.
“Mmmm…nope!” replied Dumbledore.
“But WHY NOT!?!” said Snape in an irritated way. maybe "irritatedly"?
“Just becausecomma here” said Dumbledore in a playful voiceperiod here
“Huh…I have a sherbet lemoncomma here” said Snape dangling the sherbet in front of Dumbledore’s eyes. Did you mean lemon sherbert?
“Gimme gimme!!” said Dumbledore hungrily.
“Firstcomma here the job.comma here, unless you want to make them separate sentences, in which case the next one is really awkward.” Snape demanded
“Yeah whatevercomma here take it, now give me the sherbet!” said Dumbledore.
“Thank you head masterCapitalize Headmaster and make it one word. ” he said in a serious tone.
As soon as he left the office he sang. Maybe "he began to sing"?
“I GOT THE JOB! I GOT THE JOB! IN CELEBRATION I WILL SHAMPOO MY HAIRexclamation mark here”
And I love the bit about the shampoo
Back to the present.
“…And so the lesson concludes that vampires do not sparkle. Now do we all agree Mr. Diggory or as you like to call yourself ‘Mr. Cullen’?” said Snape.
Bella wanted to stick up for her beloved Edward and so she had an odd expression on her face. Saying that she had an odd expression on her face sounds weird. Maybe describe squirming or something. Describe the expression on her face- "odd" is too vague.
“Miss. Swan do you need to visit the hospital wing for the 986th timequestion mark here” Snape tauntedperiod here
“No I need to say something!!” she replied
“Then say it…OUT LOUD” Snape said How else would she say it?
“IV’E SEEN HIM SPARKLE!!”
“HE CANNOT SPARKLE MISS.SWAN!!” No period after "Miss"
“I KNOW HE CAN! YO CHANG SAY SOMETHING”
“Oh...Well...I -- hereHARRY!” she replied
“Yes dear?” he replied
“No ...No this is the sixth part Harry, your suppose to be with me in this one remember?” said Ginny Weasely.
“Oh yeah…opps” replied Harry
“THAT IS ENOUGH! I conclude this lesson. Fifty points from Gryffindor!” said Snape angrily.
“What?! None of them are from the Gryffindor “said Ron Weasley What about Harry and Ginny?
“I HATE THE COMBINATION RED AND GOLDcomma here THAT’S WHY!” shouted Snape.
Harry and Ron were very angry and so they decided to sneak up on Snape in his new office.Maybe describe what they had planned? Had they bought any gadgets from Fred and Georges' shop? Little did they know Snape had a secret in there? They walked in his office and found him on his desk, standing, wearing a blond wig and holding a toy mike. Mic, if it's a microphone.
“WHAT THE HELL??” shouted Harry
“Err…Harry, your mother and I spent a lot of time together” said Snape in an embarrassed voice. I didn't really get this part.
“HUH?” said Ron.
“No body’s "Nobody" is one word. perfect Mr. Weasley” said Snape.

Overall, a nice, fun little write- I'd suggest working on your punctuation a bit more, especially when it comes to dialog. Also, you might want to include more description, especially more "showing" than "telling". Nice job though.

-Coral-

Hello there!

I have actually read the first part of your story and sorry to say, I've only noticed little improvement. But nonetheless, much better than before. The first problem was your punctuation, especially within dialogs. But seeing that Persephoneia has covered up that, I wouldn't bother with it anymore. Although you might want to check this link: topic44898.html (thanks to Demeter for that)

Second of all, you got to refrain from writing some dialogs in all caps. Most of the cases here were a bit unnecessary for that. And plus, it seemed a bit annoying for me to read it. And as with the story plot, the flow was good but you just need to deepen it more. I tell you, showing is very important here, because if you tell a lot then your prose would be all weak. Though don't get me wrong, you have actually made me laugh. However just always remember that no matter how great or funny your story is, quality always count. ^^

Grammar wise, some were worded awkwardly but since this was short, there were just some few blunders I could spot.

“Oh...Well...I HARRY!” she replied

Like for this instance, writing the dialogs all in caps isn't very needed. And as you can see, your punctuations has turned me off (no offence ^^) and I don't think it was really a reply, more like she shouted or something. Plus, you need a period after the last word.

Overall, you need to polish this up more. Reread again your piece and be fully aware of your punctuations. (Yeah, it has been beat to death already because it has to be.) I hope this helps and PM me for any questions.

Happy Holidays!

Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri

Hello, James! I hope your holidays are going swell.

Like Yuriiko, I also did read the first part of your story. However, I have not noticed much improvement, and even though you state that there will be no grammatical or punctuation errors because you looked over it yourself, there actually are quite a few. To add to that displeasure, the childish way this was written truly turned me off as a potential reader. Take a look at the article Yuriiko pointed out to you by Demeter, as reading it will hopefully help you improve.

Now, one of the major issues with this story was the punctuation. You seem to forget to put certain punctuation marks (like commas and periods) where they are needed, which can cause your readers to become helplessly confused. One of the age-old examples of what a comma can do if forgotten is the following:

Let's eat Grandpa.

Let's eat, Grandpa.

I am sure you can see what a difference that makes. So, I repeat the same advice I gave you when I reviewed the first part of your story. Read your work out loud when you are done - if there needs to be a pause because it's so lengthy, then add a comma. If your sentences are all 'jumbled up' because of lack of periods at the ends of the sentences, add some periods (exclamation marks, etecetera). Just take the time to really look over your work, because petty little grammar and punctuation mistakes like the ones you display in your work turn the reader off, and too many of them makes a reviewer (like myself) want to scream, since they had previously given you advice about such mistakes.

Another major issue is the childish way you have written this story. All the capitals and shouting, overused ellipses, and in general too much dialogue and too little of description, makes for a very amateur story that cannot hold a reader's interest for all too long. Look at your story, and pretend it isn't yours for a second. Would you want to read something like this, lacking in description, full of capitals and poorly used ellipses? If you answered yes, I might just think you are insane. Even humor and comedic writing pieces need all the above things, and you mustn't forget that.

In addition to those two problems, there is also the problem of the overall lack of plot. You just jump around, and most of your story is dialogue (describe the sunlight filtering through the windows, how Ron's hair was still damp from his late shower that morning, or even how Hermione's bushy hair was somehow even bushier today). Your story, even if you want it to be mainly comedy, does need a general plot. What is the point? Why have Edward and Bella suddenly been admitted into Hogwarts? What houses are they in? We, as readers, need to know these things and need to know that what we are reading has a point, besides to just abuse grammar and punctuation as much as you can.

Now, since Persephoneia already handled the nitpicks, I shall not point them out as well, as that would just be much too repetitive. I do hope you take all these reviews into account, however, because then you just might end up with a decent-looking and readable piece. I hope this review will help you improve, and I hope you do not mind any spelling mistakes, as I had to use a desktop computer that happens to lack the auto spell check my laptop usually provides me with.

Happy Holidays!

-Mizz

...really you guys sound like my mom when i was 6.
i am not good at punctuation ok!! infact i hate grammer and my spelling errors and as i hard as i try i can't get over it. does that mean i have to stop writing?? no way!
Please to all those who review i really don't take reviews as an offense but you got to stop doing it over and over again.
i know i need to learn my errors but only one to two people should point it out! it feels like you guys are mocking me on my weakness. one more thing this is a funny post not a formal one! you can just read it and like it and comment if it made sense or if you liked it.
Please lay off pin pointing things out again and again.

I loved it i dont care about the mistakes the other people said you made i didn't even notice them untill the other people pointed them out I was a great story I hope to see more of you work if you have the time can you review my work see you around...


*******Jessig833*******

This is all my friends have talked about all day so I had to check this out.

You've gotten a new fan!

But really, if you're just doing this for fun and to make people laugh; there's no real reason to be exceptionally picky with your grammar. No one should really care either.

LOL!
Um... Harry's mother is dead - how can Snape be spending time with her?
Anywyas, once again, everyone else has pointed out the grammatical errors so I shall point out the hilarious parts

“Huh…I have a sherbet lemon” said Snape dangling the sherbet in front of Dumbledore’s eyes.

“Gimme gimme!!” said Dumbledore hungrily.

“I GOT THE JOB! I GOT THE JOB! IN CELEBRATION I WILL SHAMPOO MY HAIR”

“IV’E SEEN HIM SPARKLE!!”

“HE CANNOT SPARKLE MISS.SWAN!!”

“I HATE THE COMBINATION RED AND GOLD THAT’S WHY!” shouted Snape.

They walked in his office and found him on his desk, standing, wearing a blond wig and holding a toy mike.

“WHAT THE HELL??” shouted Harry

“Err…Harry, your mother and I spent a lot of time together” said Snape in an embarrassed voice.

“HUH?” said Ron.

“No body’s perfect Mr. Weasley” said Snape.

Lolololololol!

Keep writing,
Alzora

Aha this is really good but you did miss out some punctuation.

Keep it up though

Hey there!
I'm not a fan fiction fan myself but I'll give anything a look if it involves Harry Potter
Most of the nipicks have already been pointed out; be careful with your use of punctuation.
Another thing that I would point out though (and I'm not sure if this has been said already) but I think you should limit the use of capitalisation. In this piece it is a little over used which lessens the impact and makes it not as appealing to read.
Happy writing