Young Writers Society

Warning:This is based off the Harvest Moon Friends of Mineral Town GBA game by Natsume. If you have never played that game, you will be completely lost if you try to read this fic. (I do not own Harvest Moon, Natsume, or any of the characters in this fic.)

Before anyone reviews, I would like you to answer these two questions:

1. Do you think this is too short?

2. Do you think I should re-write this in first person?

Gray paced back and forth in his grandfather's blacksmith shop fidgeting with the large, crudely wrapped parcel he held in his hands. He was supposed to have left for the library fifteen minutes ago, but he couldn’t work up enough courage. What had he been thinking? It was a stupid idea. There’s no way she’d accept it! She’d laugh at him when she read it. He knew she would.

Gray’s thoughts were interrupted by his grandfather walking in.

“Are you still here boy? You’re supposed to be talking to that girl of yours!”

“Her name is Mary, and I was going to go but…”

“But what? Just go up there and get it over with! Don’t be a coward!”

“It’s not that easy Gramps! And I’m not being a coward!’’
“You’re making a big fuss out of something simple. Now either get up there and do what you have to do, or make yourself useful and get to work! How are you going to become a decent blacksmith when you’re standing around doing nothing?”

“Alright, fine! I’m going!” Gray scowled and stomped out the door. ‘Stupid old man,’ He thought bitterly as he slammed the door behind him. He was probably going to get told off for that later, but that was the last thing he was worried about. He only had one thing, person actually, on his mind: Mary. His Mary.

That’s what he had come to think of her as: His. It wasn’t like he was being a possessive psycho. No, that wasn’t the case at all! He just liked being able to say that they were a couple. He wasn’t quite sure what it was about Mary that he loved so much. Maybe it was her glasses. Maybe it was how her long black hair was always done in a perfect braid. Maybe it was how she always played with that braid when she got nervous. Or, maybe it was because she was so nice to everyone, especially him, even if they didn’t deserve it.

As Gray realized he was nearing the library, the feeling of butterflies in the pit of his stomach intensified. His thoughts were running a million miles an hour. What if he made a fool of himself? What if she laughed at him? So many things could go wrong!

Well, he could always turn around and go back...No! He would not be a coward! He was just going to hurry up and get this over with. He would make it quick and painless. Just like removing a band-aid. When he reached the door, he took a deep breath to calm himself before opening it. As he stepped in, he saw Mary sitting at her desk, smiling up at him. The butterflies went crazy.

“Hello, Gray” She said as a light pink blush crept it’s was up her cheeks.

“Hi Mary.” Gray felt his cheeks grow warm as he pulled his hat down to cover the blush. He walked to the front of the desk and cleared his throat. “I um, got you something.” He said shoving the package in her direction.

“Oh.” She said blushing furiously “But, It’s not my birthday. Or any other holiday for that matter.”

“I know. I just wanted to give it to you.”

“Oh, I see.” Mary giggled as she carefully unwrapped the light blue wrapping paper. She beamed when she saw what he had given her. “It’s a poetry book! Thank you Gray, I love it!”

Gray grinned at her reaction. He just hoped her reaction to the next surprise would be just as good. “Yeah well, I thought you would. Since you like poetry and stuff. My favorite is on page eightteen. Why don’t you look at it?’’ By this point, his hat was so low it covered almost his entire face.

“Okay” Mary said slowly as she began to flip through the pages. It was obvious she knew something was up; she just had no idea what. When she reached page eight-teen, she gasped. Tucked securely between the margins was a blue feather, and taped to the page was a note written in Gray’s untidy scrawl. Mary began to tear up as she read the note aloud.

“I have no doubt that I will always love you.
I won’t meet another girl that loves me like you do.
I want to spend my entire life
With you beside me as my wife.
Years will pass us by and decades too
But my love for you will always remain true
I don’t know if you want to,
But I’ll ask anyway-”

“Marry me will you?”

Mary looked up at Gray and saw that he was no longer trying to cover his face with his hat, but was looking right at her, which was something she knew he only did when he was dead serious. “Yes. Oh, Yes I’ll marry you!”

Gray thought he would burst with joy. He grabbed Mary by the waist and twirled her around. As soon as he put her down, Mary captured his lips in one swift motion. It was a bold move for the shy little librarian, which caused Gray's" already rosy cheeks to glow crimson, but he was smiling all the same," When they broke apart, Gray gave Mary a sheepish look and said “Sorry if the poem was crap. I’m not that great with words.”

Hello Purple, I thought I'd help you out.

grandfathers

Don't forget to add an apostrophe to possessives. It looks like this: '

‘Stupid old man.’ He thought

The usual way to go about it is to use a comma: "Stupid old man," he thought.
As for your questions:

1. I think this is just the right length.
2. Don't think so, but it's your decision.

Hey I'm back!

Nitpicks: The first sentence is really good, except for the word "nervously." It's a label word, so maybe you should try to "show, don't tell." I'm sure you've had teachers tell you that one before

Don't start sentences with the word "and," even in dialogue.

Eightteen is one word, no matter how weird you think it looks.

He was probably going to get told off for that later, but right now it was the last thing he was worried about. Right now, he only had one thing, person actually, on his mind: Mary. His Mary.

These sentences have conflicting tenses, and since the rest of the story is in past tense, you should make sure the whole thing is in past tense.

Lastly, I think the part about you talking about how kissing Gray was bold for her was good (because it's true), but saying "...hey, Gray wasn't complaining," was a little out of character for him, because Gray is equally as shy. My suggestion is to change it to "His already rosy cheeks managed to glow crimson, but he was smiling all the same," or something like that.

Overall: I think it's really cute, Gray being all nervous and stuff. You do a better job in this one describing the physical appearance of the characters than you did in the other one, but the scenery is still a mystery to the non-Harvest Moon readers.

1. It is definitely not too short
2. I think you should try it, and see which one you like better.

Note: I would have preferred a ClairexGray story, but that's just me. I usually marry him, so I tried not to be biased against this.

First off this is such a cute story I love Harvest Moon.
I like the way Gray is nervous and I love the poem he wrote but,on that note, here are a few tips :

1.Never start a sentence with "and."
2. Always have faith in your stories.
3. Use proper punctuation.
4. Use "show don't tell"

Overall: your story is really great.

1. It wasn't to short
2. Try using first person to help readers see what the charcter sees.