Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

Foxstar sniffed the air. She caught the scent of the other clans, she signaled for her clan to join the others the Thunderclan cats ran down the slope into the clearing. Foxstar could feel the questioning glares of the other clans burning into her fur curious about her clans late arrival, she leaped to her place among the other clan leaders,"Now that Thunderclan have arrived let the gathering begin" Spoke a silver tom Foxstar recognized as Oakstar leader of Riverclan, Oakstar is a wise leader Foxstar respected him, she silently thanked him for not challenging her "Riverclan is doing well, the river is plentiful with fish, and Snowfur has given birth to two healthy toms" Pride entered his eyes,every cat in the clearing knew Snowfur is Oakstars mate,the Riverclan leader stepped back and Lionstar took his place "Shadowclan has been well, there have been no twolegs in our territory and there is enough prey" Foxstar glared at Lionstar if there was enough prey, why did he look so thin and when she thought about it all the Shadowclan warriors did, she knew he lied so his clan won't look weak, but everyone could see that Shadowclan didn't have enough prey, but nobody would challege a Shadowclan leader. The Shadowclan leader moved aside as Tigerstar came forward "Windclan is also well there has never before been this many rabbits on the moor all of Windclans warriors are well fed" You could tell,because all the cat from windclan were bigger than usual. Windclan cats are normally the smallest of the clans, but they were even bigger than Shadowclan now "We have also turned the old fox dens into dens for the elders and queens" the full moon shifted in the sky Tigerstar signaled he was done, Foxstar knew it was her turn to speak "All has been well in Thunderclan there have been enough prey for all of our clan,we caught the scent of a fox in our territory tonight we chased it as far as Shadowclan border" worried glances passed between the Shadowclan cats " you've lead a fox to our territory" hissed one of the Shadowclan warriors 'you see Lionstar they are trying to destroy our clan" said another the fur on the Shadowclan warriors started to rise Foxstar stared in disbelief would shadowclan start a battle at a gathering, the light from the moon was gone she look to the sky, the moon was covered by clouds Oakstar stepped forward "Starclan is angry look the moon is covered, there must not be a fight at a gathring" "This gathering is over." said Tigerstar. Foxstar moved swiftly, she called to her clan when they had gathered she led them back into Thunderclan territory.

Stori here to offer assitance.

Right off the bat I could see you have a problem with run-ons. Trying readind this out loud and you'll see what I mean.

now that thunderclan

Always remember to begin dialog with a capital letter! The same goes for proper nouns, like Thunderclan.

i like the story but i would discribe it better like what was he doing when he was wating for the tribe?

First of all, I want to tell you that I absolutely love anything to do with Erin Hunter's books, whether it be Warriors or Seekers, any fanfiction instantly draws me in. Your did the same, and I loved it all. It was a great way to start the story all in all.

However, like Stori said, you seem to have a problem at large with run-on sentences. Throughout my reading, I was waiting for that punctuation that simply never came! Here let me give you an example;

Foxstar sniffed the air she caught the scent of the other clans, she signaled for her clan to join the others the thunderclan cats ran down the slope into the clearing.

Ehh, once you read it aloud, like Stori suggested you see where I'm coming from, don't you? It's all one piece when it really shouldn't be. It's all packed together in one sentence when it should be more like so;

Foxstar sniffed the air. She caught the scent of the other clans and signaled for her clan to join the others. The Thunderclan cats ran down the slope into the clearing.

At least it should be something along those lines, definately not exactly since I'm not one to change much of another writer's general pieces. Also like Stori said, Thunderclan and all the other clan names are capitilized through and through. Same with the name of the cats such as Oakstar, Foxstar or Lionstar. As a matter of fact, you seem to be lacking in capitalization everyone except at the beginning of sentences.

Once you fix these little things I'm sure your writing will be great!

Lucky writing to you,
Chup

The first thing I noticed is that there are no paragraphs. Whenever a new character starts speaking, that is a whole paragraph to itself. There are also a lot of run on sentences which make the story hard to read. Those are the two major things I noticed. Also, there was a lot of wrong comma use.

I have to point out the fact that there are no paragraphs and a lot of the time there is no punctuation. Some words that should be capitalized aren't. Good concept of a Warriors fan fiction, but the writing needs some serious improvement. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm only trying to help. Starting a new paragraph when a character speaks would be a good start, but it will take some serious editing to make the writing better quality. Put punctuation at the end of every sentence so they don't become a run on sentence. Sorry if this sounded harsh. If you still don't see the errors try reading it out loud to yourself and correct it that way.

i am a big fan of the warrior series and all in all this is a good story line, but it all seemed to happen very fast. there were alot of run on sentences that didnt really make sense. it was to short gatherings tend to take some time, and there is often alot of arguing before starclan would block the moon. there should also be more dialouge and a little more description about the cats of thunder clan. you never mentioned where they were meeting or what it looked liked (fourtrees). also i didnt understand why thunderclan was late, a bit more about that please.