Young Writers Society

-The Confessions of a Chronic Liar-
My name is Jasmine Brandon I’m 15 years old and I am a chronic liar. My whole life is a lie. I tell people that my parents are traveling business people. When most of the time they are just gone and they leave me at home without knowing where they are. I say that I’ve been to Paris, Madrid, Rome, Tel Aviv, and Tokyo when I’ve never been farther than the state line. I say that I have two sisters and three brothers because on the inside I’m lonely and desperate for friends. Its like I have to lie when I know I don’t. I lie about almost everything. The only thing I haven’t lied about is my name, oh wait I’ve lied about that twice. Today I woke up and found myself alone as usual(it’s a rare occurrence when my parents are home)I looked outside and saw that it was raining. I signed knowing that I did not have an umbrella.
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A snipet of a story I'm writng. Please reply. I accept criticism.

-The Confessions of a Chronic Liar-

My name is Jasmine Brandon. I’m 15 years old and I am a chronic liar. My whole life is a lie. I tell people that my parents are traveling business people, when most of the time they are just gone and they leave me at home without knowing where they are(awkward sounding.). I say that I’ve been to Paris, Madrid, Rome, Tel Aviv, and Tokyo when I’ve never been farther than the state line.( this is a good chance to say what state you're in, if you want to.) I say that I have two sisters and three brothers because on the inside I’m lonely and desperate for friends. Its like I have to lie when I know I don’t. I lie about almost everything. The only thing I haven’t lied about is my name. Oh wait, I’ve lied about that twice. paragraph

Today I woke up and found myself alone as usual(it’s a rare occurrence when my parents are home).I looked outside and saw that it was raining. I sighed knowing that I did not have an umbrella.( you could say, " I didn't have a raincoat either," to heighten her problem.

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A snipet of a story I'm writng. Please reply. I accept criticism.haha, you better, that's what YWS is all about!

It seem like an interesting story, just read through it and edit a little. I can't really tell you many more of my suggestions because the rest isn't on here, but if you post it, I'll read it!

Unfortunately i dont have much time to write this, but here are three lightening fast edits:
one. keep writing this. write and dont stop. the rest of the story will come.
two. use stronger language!!! adjetives are your friend!
three. keep keep keep writing this. its a good start

Nice topic, many people lie about themselves not only the person in the story. It's good but, you may want to add more colorful words. Put more situations related to your topic. Write more about it. And you might want to add more sentences and paragraphs because it's a little bit of cliff hunger. That's all. Thank you.

-The Confessions of a Chronic Liar-
Chapter One: My sad, horrible life
My name is Jasmine Brandon I’m 15 years old and I am a chronic liar. My whole life is a lie. I tell people that my parents are traveling business people. When most of the time they are gone. My father is a petroleum engineer and is gone 6-7 months at a time. My mother is a psychiatrist and works from 9:00 an to 6:30 pm but comes home at 10:00 pm. I say that I’ve been to Paris, Madrid, Rome, Tel Aviv, and Tokyo when I’ve never been farther than the state line of Illinois.
I say that I have two sisters and three brothers because on the inside I’m lonely and desperate for at least two friends. Its like I have to lie when I know I don’t. I lie about almost everything. I know I have a problem and it’s my New Years’ resolution to stop. There are three people on the world who I will try and never lie to. My English teacher Mr. Brandon(who somehow has the name last name as me) and the two people who talk to me, my semi-friends Hailey Milton and Noah Easton who happen to be cousins.

The only thing I haven’t lied about is my name, oh wait I’ve lied about that twice. Today I woke up and found myself alone as usual(it’s a rare occurrence when my parents are home)I looked outside and saw that it was raining. I signed knowing that I did not have an umbrella.
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While eating my breakfast I realized that I was late for school. I dashed outside into the pouring rain without my raincoat. The bus was just leaving, so I ran after it but I wouldn’t stop for me. I felt so terrible. It took me thirty minutes to walk to school. I felt like I was coming down with a cold. Of course I was! I was walking around in the rain for Pete’s sake! At made it to school; got a pass and went to class. I was scared because my Physics teacher Ms. Caius hates me. I walked down the dark blue halls until I got to my Physics class. I slowly opened the door and walked inside with my dripping wet clothes. I looked around the Mikado yellow room: everyone’s eyes were on me.
Ms. Caius’ face turned as red as her dark auburn hair. “Jasmine,” She began as usual. “Why are you late to class?” I opened my mouth to answer but she would not give me a chance. “Oh, wait! Let me guess, you were up waiting for your Mom to come home from work. What a lie!” You’re just shipping my class because you think you know everything! If you’re so smart why don’t you just take a college entrance exam and get out!” I was shocked. I never thought that she would go to that level. “Ms-” “I’ve heard enough from you.” Now go take your seat before I give you a detention.” Her gray eyes pierced and her earrings shook.
I slowly went to my seat in disgrace. I immediately put my head down and cried. Hailey, who sits right next to me tried to console me but I could not be consoled. As soon as the 1st period was over a ran to Mr. Brandon’s class. At least I would be safe there for now, I guess.
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What do you think of it?! I accept criticism. Here is the first chapter enjoy!

Why isn't anyone replying?!