Let's recap some of the things I loved:
- the dialogue. Oh so very very amazing. It's clear, concise, and twenty shades of beautiful. I could read it again and again and frame it on my wall and probably even marry it. Twice. Dialogue is a pretty tricky aspect of writing to master, but you've captured these characters amazingly well through their speech. Their emotions, their personalities and thoughts they shine through with incredible clarity. That's usually a Very Excellent Thing and this is no exception.
- the characters so far. Hee hee. They are so very cool. They're very distinct, and you've managed to show that by blending together their dialogue and their actions to create two pretty distinct people.
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The demon said nothing, his hand tracing along a girl's nipple on a poster on his main door. Then he said, "She looks pretty."
Roman looked up and suddenly realized what the demon was talking about. "I share a room with –"
*sprays Coke*
Hahaha.
Did I mention I love the characters? And the dialogue? Because I really really do.
Oh, Roman. You really need to get laid.
- The exposition in the dialogue. This is so frequently done poorly, but you've made all the background exposition importanty stuff sound really really interesting to the reader. You've made it readable. I don't think I realized I was reading exposition until partway through when my brain thingy finally kicked in. This was lovely and interesting and lots of fun to read besides.
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"She is bound to you now."
Lovely little tie-in to Wraith.
- the way the story's going so far. Because I can't wait to read more.
... okay, wait, I sorta lied. Remember how I said I wouldn't critique? Well, I won't, but I was re-reading, and being obnoxious and nitpicky I couldn't help point these two teensy little things out:
This made Roman even crankier, but he swaggered up the stairs, clutching the railing fiercely, until he tripped inside.
Swaggered or staggered? Swaggered implies pronounced arrogance. Or, as the gods of the universe would say, boastfulness or insolence. Basically, it means he's walking with attitude which, looking at his current situation, I don't think he's doing.
He was beginning to sweat; his eyes were bloodshot. He was beginning to pant and gasp again, and his hand was over his heart.
I'm pretty sure it's self-evident, but the sentence structure for these two sentences are exactly the same you may (probably) want to change this.
... there. Two things. I'll bully my inner critic into shutting the hell up. This is Sooper Dooper Awesome with a cape riding a unicycle. And so very very very much cooler than Wraith.
Gender:
Points: 2834
Reviews: 131