Young Writers Society

joickjonas2118 wrote:Welcome to the Funhouse, Faxness
Chapter 1
“FANG!” I SCREAMED, striving to save the love of my life. Just a little farther, Max…You can reach him, This should probably be in italics, because it's a thought. I lied to myself.
“Go, Max,” Fang said weakly. “Save yourself.” Tears slipped out of my eyes as he said this.
“No! Not without you!” I cried out, struggling to reach him. Ari had Fang in his grip.Combine the sentence before this correction and the one after. Ex. 'Ari had Fang in his grip, and I knew deep down I would never be able to save my best friend.' Just a suggestion. I knew deep down, I would never be able to save Fang. I would never be able to see him run his hands through his midnight black hair. Never again would I get to see This sounds redundant. Try to change up the way you phrase things. that smirk of his when he and I both knew he was right, but wouldn’t admit it. Who wouldn't admit it? I realize it's probably not Fang who won't admit he's right, but specify that.
It seemed like my wings refused to move any further. As if they were on Ari’s side, and wouldn’t let me save Fang. Maybe combine those two sentences too. How ever you do it, they should be changed so that they flow better. Adrenaline pumped through my blood, but it wasn’t enough. I needed the strength to kill Ari and save Fang. “Go, Max,” Fang said weakly, not even trying to save himself. Ari knew this was his cue to fly into the helicopter that would bring them to…the School. Where death brings less pain than what they could do to him.
They had figured out how to break me—the whitecoats. They knew that I would do anything to save him. But I won’t let them win. No, I AM This is a tense change. Did you intended to switch from past to present then back to past in the next section? My suggestion is to make it one or the other, because suddenly switching tenses like this can be slightly confusing, and very distracting. going to do it without the whitecoats getting to me. First, I need a plan. First off, how long it would take to take out Ari, the Erasers, and all the whitecoats. Put a question mark here. Also, this last sentence seems kind of random. You might want to change the wording.
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Chapter 2
“ANGEL!” I CRIED OUT WHILE sprinting into our home. My little angel—named Angel—came around the corner, looking at me concerned.
“Yes, Max?” she asked, sounding, like always, much older than seven years old.
“I need your help. But first, where are the others?” The others, being the rest of my flock; Iggy, Gazzy, Nudge, and Total, who is our little Scottish terrier-like dog. Who talks, and has wings. That just shows how messed up my life is. All of the flock can fly, not just Total. See, we were genetically “enhanced” with bird DNA. None of us know if we had real parents or if we’re just test-tube babies. By the way, Erasers are human-lupine hybrids. The rest of my flock—Nudge can draw metal to her at her own will, hack into any computer, and feel leftover emotions. Iggy is blind and can feel colors, recognize us just by the sound of our wing patterns, or really anything else, cook better than Rachel Ray, and creates bombs. Angel, my angel, is amazing. She can read and control minds, hold her breath underwater like a fish, talk to fish, and she has a Voice, just like I do. I’ll explain the Voice later. Gazzy is her older brother. He can mimic any voice or sound, makes bombs with Iggy, and…well…the name “the Gasman” should say a lot. Fang…some might say it’s not much of a power, but he can turn invisible by slowing down everything in his body. (Heartbeat, breathing, etc.) Now, we get to me—Max. I can fly at warp speed. Plus, I've got this little Voice in my head called—state the obvious—the Voice. It guides me when I need it, annoys me when I don’t. I can’t tell if it’s young or old, male or female, young or old, You already said this. friend or foe. Max, I can assure you I’m a friend,Italics for thoughts the Voice “said” into my head. I I think this is a typo. should be If?one could roll their head at the Voice, I think I just did. This paragraph is info dumping. Quite frankly, it's boring to read. Try to integrate the contents of this paragraph within the rest of the story.
That was an extremely short chapter. I would combine it with your Chapter Three. It doesn't really make any sense to have something this short be called a chapter.
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Chapter 3
“MAX…THE OTHERS have been gone for hours. Gazzy and Iggy had gone out into the woods to build a bomb to protect everyone, and Nudge, I have no idea. The boys said they’d come back on the hour to check in, but…nothing.” My head started spinning, automatically thinking the worst. Erasers have kidnapped them…
My eyes widened and I took off with a quick leap, spreading my wings. I pumped my wings Try not to repeat the word wings. hard and fast, trying to find them as fast as possible. I used all the force in my body to find Iggy, Gazzy, and Nudge, but it wasn't helping. How exactly was she using all the force in her body to look for them? Show the readers, don't tell them. “Nudge! Iggy! Gazzy!” I screeched, trying to get their attention. I hoped there were no Erasers in the area, knowing they would try to kidnap me, too.
Soon enough, I saw three little mutant bird kids flying to me. “Max! What’s going on?!” Nudge questioned.
“F-Fang…they have him.” Everyone gasped in unison, shocked.
“Oh, no…” Nudge whispered. We all knew there would be no way to save him. It took all we had to save Don't repeat the same verb here. Angel when she was kidnapped by Erasers. We all flew home and I crawled into bed, ashamed. It’s all my fault, Fang… I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you…

Chapter 1

“FANG!” I SCREAMED, striving to save the love of my life. Just a little farther, Max…You can reach him,This should be in italics I lied to myself.

“Go, Max,” Fang said weakly. “Save yourself.” Tears slipped out of my eyes as he said this.

“No! Not without you!” I cried out, struggling to reach him. Ari had Fang in his grip. I knew deep down, I would never be able to save Fang. I would never be able to see him run his hands through his midnight black hair. Never again would I get to see that smirk of his when he and I both knew he was right, but wouldn’t admit it.

It seemed like my wings refused to move any further. As if they were on Ari’s side, and wouldn’t let me save Fang. Adrenaline pumped through my blood, but it wasn’t enough. I needed the strength to kill Ari and save Fang. “Go, Max,” Fang said weakly, not even trying to save himself. Ari knew this was his cue to fly into the helicopter that would bring them to…the School. Where death brings less pain than what they could do to him.

They had figured out how to break me—the whitecoats. They knew that I would do anything to save him. But I won’t let them win. No, I AM going to do it without the whitecoats getting to me. First, I need a plan. First off, how long it would take to take out Ari, the Erasers, and all the whitecoats.

* * *

Chapter 2

“ANGEL!” I CRIED OUT WHILE sprinting into our home. My little angel—named Angel—came around the corner, looking at me concerned.

“Yes, Max?” she asked, sounding, like always, much older than seven years old.

“I need your help. But first, where are the others?” The others, being the rest of my flock; Iggy, Gazzy, Nudge, and Total, who is our little Scottish terrier-like dog. Who talks, and has wings. That just shows how messed up my life is. All of the flock can fly, not just Total. See, we were genetically “enhanced” with bird DNA. None of us know if we had real parents or if we’re just test-tube babies. By the way, Erasers are human-lupine hybrids. The rest of my flock—Nudge can draw metal to her at her own will, hack into any computer, and feel leftover emotions. Iggy is blind and can feel colors, recognize us just by the sound of our wing patterns, or really anything else, cook better than Rachel Ray, and creates bombs. Angel, my angel, is amazing. She can read and control minds, hold her breath underwater like a fish, talk to fish, and she has a Voice, just like I do. I’ll explain the Voice later. Gazzy is her older brother. He can mimic any voice or sound, makes bombs with Iggy, and…well…the name “the Gasman” should say a lot. Fang…some might say it’s not much of a power, but he can turn invisible by slowing down everything in his body. (Heartbeat, breathing, etc.) Now, we get to me—Max. I can fly at warp speed. Plus, I’ve got this little Voice in my head called—state the obvious—the Voice. It guides me when I need it, annoys me when I don’t. I can’t tell if it’s young or old, male or female, young or old, friend or foe. Max, I can assure you I’m a friend, the Voice “said” into my head. I one could roll their head at the Voice, I think I just did.

* * *



Chapter 3

“MAX…THE OTHERS have been gone for hours. Gazzy and Iggy had gone out into the woods maybe this should be 'have' or 'they went out into the woods' to build a bomb to protect everyone, and Nudge, I have no idea. The boys said they’d come back on the hour to check in, but…nothing.” My head started spinning, automatically thinking the worst. Erasers have kidnapped them…

My eyes widened and I took off with a quick leap, spreading my wings. I pumped my wings hard and fast, trying to find them as fast as possible. I used all the force in my body to find Iggy, Gazzy, and Nudge, but it wasn’t helping. “Nudge! Iggy! Gazzy!” I screeched, trying to get their attention. I hoped there were no Erasers in the area, knowing they would try to kidnap me, too.

Soon enough, I saw three little mutant bird kids flying to me. “Max! What’s going on?!” Nudge questioned.

“F-Fang…they have him.” Everyone gasped in unison, shocked.

“Oh, no…” Nudge whispered. Usually Nudge would begin a babble of worried chatter. If not, at least say that she was unusually silent otherwise you're not really portraying her character We all knew there would be no way to save himMax is never this hopeless. It's just not in her nature.. It took all we had to save Angel when she was kidnapped by Erasers. We all flew home and I crawled into bed, ashamed.Max would prioritise the others over her own emotions, maybe even give them a pep talk It’s all my fault, Fang… I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you… where is the strong, stoic, ass-kicking max we all know and love?

Welcome to the Funhouse, Faxness
Chapter 1
“FANG!” I SCREAMED, striving to save the love of my life. Just a little farther, Max…You can reach him,I know others have mentioned this, but all thoughts should be put in italics, same with when the Voice is talking. It's just easier to understand. I lied to myself.
“Go, Max,” Fang said weakly. “Save yourself.” Tears slipped out of my eyes as he said this.
“No! Not without you!” I cried out, struggling to reach him. Ari had Fang in his grip. I knew deep down, I would never be able to save Fang. I would nevertry saying never again be able to... be able to see him run his hands through his midnight black hair. Never again would I get to see that smirk of his when he and I both knew he was right, but wouldn’t admit it.
It seemed like my wings refused to move any further.combine these two sentences As if they were on Ari’s side, and wouldn’t let me save Fang. Adrenaline pumped through my blood, but it wasn’t enough. I needed the strength to kill Ari and save Fang. “Go, Max,” Fang said weakly, not even trying to save himself. Ari knew this was his cue to fly into the helicopter that would bring them to…the School. Where death brings less pain than what they could do to him.
They had figured out how to break me—the whitecoats. They knew that I would do anything to save him. But I won’t let them win. No, I AM going to do it without the whitecoats getting to me. First, I need a plan. First off, how long it would take to take out Ari, the Erasers, and all the whitecoats.
* * *
Chapter 2
“ANGEL!” I CRIED OUT WHILE sprinting into our home. My little angel—named Angel—came around the corner, looking at me concerned.
“Yes, Max?” she asked, sounding, like always, much older than seven years old.
“I need your help. But first, where are the others?” The others, being the rest of my flock; Iggy, Gazzy, Nudge, and Total, who is our little Scottish terrier-like dog. Who talks, and has wings. That just shows how messed up my life is. All of the flock can fly, not just Total. See, we were genetically “enhanced” with bird DNA. None of us know if we had real parents or if we’re just test-tube babies. By the way, Erasers are human-lupine hybrids. The rest of my flock—Nudge can draw metal to her at her own will, hack into any computer, and feel leftover emotions. Iggy is blind and can feel colors, recognize us just by the sound of our wing patterns, or really anything else, cook better than Rachel Ray, and creates bombs. Angel, my angel, is amazing. She can read and control minds, hold her breath underwater like a fish, talk to fish, and she has a Voice, just like I do. I’ll explain the Voice later. Gazzy is her older brother. He can mimic any voice or sound, makes bombs with Iggy, and…well…the name “the Gasman” should say a lot. Fang…some might say it’s not much of a power, but he can turn invisible by slowing down everything in his body. (Heartbeat, breathing, etc.) Now, we get to me—Max. I can fly at warp speed. Plus, I’ve got this little Voice in my head called—state the obvious—the Voice. It guides me when I need it, annoys me when I don’t. I can’t tell if it’s young or old, male or female, young or old, friend or foe. Max, I can assure you I’m a friend,remember, italics the Voice “said” into my head. I one could roll their headdid you mean to say eyes? at the Voice, I think I just did. That whole paragraph seemed a little rushed, take your time, and plan out your thoughts. There's no word limit here. It would save some of the gramatical errors and missed words.
* * *

Chapter 3
“MAX…THE OTHERS have been gone for hours. Gazzy and Iggy had gone out into the woods to build a bomb to protect everyone, and Nudge, I have no idea. The boys said they’d come back on the hour to check in, but…nothing.” My head started spinning, automatically thinking the worst. Erasers have kidnapped them…
My eyes widened and I took off with a quick leap, spreading my wings. I pumped my wings hard and fast, trying to find them as fast as possible. I used all the force in my body to find Iggy, Gazzy, and Nudge, but it wasn’t helping. “Nudge! Iggy! Gazzy!” I screeched, trying to get their attention. I hoped there were no Erasers in the area, knowing they would try to kidnap me, too.
Soon enough, I saw three little mutant bird kids flying to me. “Max! What’s going on?!” Nudge questioned.
“F-Fang…they have him.” Everyone gasped in unison, shocked.
“Oh, no…” Nudge whispered. We all knew there would be no way to save him. It took all we had to save Angel when she was kidnapped by Erasers. We all flew home and I crawled into bed, ashamed. It’s all my fault, Fang… I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you…Nice ending, but it seems that as soon as she found the three kids she just gave up on Fang, or you just wanted to end the story. Once again, just relax, and take your time.

“Go, Max,” Fang said weakly. “Save yourself.” Tears slipped out of my eyes as he said this.

I cried out, struggling to reach him. Ari had Fang in his grip, and I knew deep down, I would never be able to save Fang. I would never be able to see him run his hands through his midnight black hair. Never again would I get to see that smirk of his when he and I both knew he was right, but I wouldn’t admit it.

It seemed like my wings refused to move any further; as if they were on Ari’s side, and wouldn’t let me save Fang. Adrenaline pumped through my blood, but it wasn’t enough. I needed the strength to kill Ari and save Fang. “Go, Max,” Fang said weakly, not even trying to save himself. Ari knew this was his cue to fly into the helicopter that would bring them to…the School. Where death brings less pain than what they could do to him.

They had figured out how to break me—the whitecoats. They knew that I would do anything to save him. But I won’t let them win. No, I AM going to do it without the whitecoats getting to me. But first, I need a plan--Like...how long it would take to take out Ari, the Erasers, and all the whitecoats.