Young Writers Society

I will probably add more later, if I get the chance. This isn't my best work, but I am still working on it. ========================================================================================
I still have nightmares at night, and I still feel as empty as usual. In those dreams, I drift back to the capital where I watched thousands of innocent people die, hundreds of defensless children being hit by bombs, and I wonder to myself, 'Did I really destroy those people? Is it my fault?" I can't get those crying children out of my head, it's been engraved like an epitaph that say "R.I.P." What if I was in that position, what if I were one of those kids? Would I have been blown into a million pieces, or spared? I know I deserve to die, even if people tell me otherwise. They say I helped the mockingjay, and I saved Panem from the capital. But, how can I live with that when I killed so many people? I suffer through the flashbacks and nightmares everyday, not knowing how long I can go on like this.

I walked in the main street of Distract 2, my feet cold, my black hair held back by gel, and my face frost-bitten. It was winter, and it was as same as ever. Same people walking slowly in front of me, same shops I didn't buy anything from, same towering buildings, the only thing that seems to change is the styles. People with horns on their heads walk in front of me, and I wonder, "What happened to the cats?"Everything I see reminds me of the Games, when Katniss volunteered, honestly the last time I thought I'd see her. It has been two years since The Games were destroyed, along with President Snow; it has been two years since I had hunted in actual woods; it has been two years since I saw my former friend.

It's been so long, but she accused me of blowing up her sister, Primrose. How could she ever think I would do such a thing...but how am I sure I didn't? It was my bomb, but I didn't exactly know where it would be dropped. I would never hurt Prim, not purposely at least. The last time I saw her, going practically mad about her sister, I couldn't talk to her. She didn't want to speak to me, not even glance in my direction. She probably wouldn't even dare spit on my shoes, feeling even that was too good for me. Who could blame her? It doesn't matter now, I have started my new life in District 2 and I have told myself I would not look back.

When I finally woke up from my day dream, I found myself at the door of my apartment, turning my key in the lock. Walking in, my apartment was cold and lonely with no sounds. Usually, there never was...I didn't talk; there was no one to talk to. If I turned on the TV, 4 out of 5 times, it was something about announcements or Katniss. I didn't want to hear about either. I dropped my keys on the small table, and walked to the mirror. What looked back at me...it was a stranger. I am only 20, but why do I look so much older? I quickly walked to the bathroom, removing the junk from my hair, causing it to flop back in front of my eyes and frame my face. I looked a little bit like my old self, but something else was missing as well. After studying my face, I turned my head in all directions to try and spot some flaw. I know now, it is my eyes. Before, I knew there was a certain sparkle in them, but it was missing now and I haven't a clue on how to find it.

Instead of picking my brain on it, I rubbed them instead and headed back out to the living room. It was nice apartment, well-furnished and large. But, what use was living the good life with no one to share it with. I moved to the telephone, a device I also don't use too much. What was I doing? I don't even know now....all I know is that I needed to hear her voice, say how sorry I was. I dialed her number, one I haven't in a while and waited for her to answer the phone. Instead of hearing her voice, someone else's greeted me. "Hello Peeta," I said, surprise littered all over in my voice.

I will start out by saying that I find this a very interesting start to a story. I read the entire series, so I am familiar with all of these characters, and you did introduce them all well, but I think that you introduced them a little quickly. It almost felt like you were trying to recreate all of the events of the previous stories in a few paragraphs so you can just get on with your idea and I can understand that. It's a sequel, and you want people to know where you're coming from.

The problem with that approach is that it's a bit rushed. A better way of doing that would be having something remind him of past events and recreate those scenes from his point of view instead of making a passing mention to them. I just feel that introducing the relationship between him a Katniss in a paragraph is impossible. They've had three full novels to grow a relationship, so instead of doing that, take a step beyond that and let the story start. I want to see this story, I know it's there, just the mention of the past events are somehow blocking you and the beginning doesn't have that 'Oomph' it needs to really capture its audience.

I don't mean delete everything, I would never tell someone to do that, I mean your beginning needs a little bit of work to get the story off the ground. Perhaps you can start with the events you describe with the bombs from the last book. Obviously it would be a reflection in your MC's point of view and I think that would capture your audience and make them want to read more. What did happen according to your MC? How did he react? Then you can start with the whole 2 years later bit you have.

Other than that I did see a number of spelling errors. I won't go and list them all, and I believe most of them are from typing too fast. Just go through it again and you will see them. It just goes to show how much editing is important to the process.

All in all I think you have the right idea with where you want to go with all of this, just you need to give your beginning more 'love' so to speak to make the audience crave more.

Hi Titanic! So I have always wanted to hear what it was like on Gales side. This is a pretty good start considering I want to read more. I did have a few problems with it though.

One thing I noticed was that you had a few typos. Just read it through, looking particularly for misspelled words, and you will find them all pretty easily.

Another thing about this was it seemed a bit rushed. What has provoked him to think about these things?/ I mean you did say that he had promised himself not to look on the past, but then by the end he is talking to Peta. It just doesn't make sense.

That is another thing; if he is in district two and she is in district one then they shouldn't be able to call each other. District twelve was burned to the ground and should still be in the process of being rebuilt. Plus, before the games the capital never had regular people be able to communicate from district to district. Would new lines already be built? It is just a flaw I see. I mean, I haven't read them since the week the last one came out, but that is what I remember anyway.

Besides those things I think this is great. You have a pretty catching beginning and I like your writing style a lot. It really does fit Gale's personality.

If you have any questions P.M. me.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

Thanks for the reviews! I am going to start working on my typos and errors. I was a little rushed seeing I was tired and it was very late at night and I know it really isn't a good excuse. When I start something, I always want to finish it and I do tend to rush. I was pretty sure that she was living back in Distract 12 or in the Victor's Village, and she did have a telephone. I figured that Gale would have one as well because I figured he got an important job from the government in distract 2. And I also wanted it make it like he wanted to forget the past, but the memories are haunting him. I haven't read mockjay in a while, but I really enjoyed the Hunger Games books, so I guess I will need to go read them again and make my corrections. I am going to correct the more obvious things now though, thanks!

I loved the hunger games, and this was great! I'll just address some grammar issues now-

I drift back to the capital where

It's Capitol, not capital. fix this throughout your story.

hundreds of defensless

Defenseless

'Did I really destroy those people?

destroy diesn't seem like the right word here, murder, kill, or rephare it saying, " Is it really my fault all those people are dead?" Destroy just doesn't sound right to me.

helped the mockingjay

capitalize Mockingjay. it was her title.

of Distract 2

District.

towering buildings, the only thing that seems to change

the comma could be a period.

After this, I was too drawn into the story to notice grammar. It was great, you really captured what probably happened to Gale, it's s accurate! That's probably exactly what happened. He seems a bit weak though, although I guess he's supposed to be. It was wonderful, can't wait for more!