Young Writers Society

To all YWS users: Jalmoc has posted this story before. I am the real author of this short story. Please do not think that this is plagiarism!! Thank you

Ghost's Betrayal

By: Reedo121

I hear the rush of the wind, as we ride in a military Humvee. Tears stream down my face, leaving little traces of water trails, wiping the dirt off my face, as I think if this is the last time that I might see Ghost. I remember the debriefing running down a hill with vital information from Makarov’s safe-house, shooting at anything that moves. Ghost, by my side, gives me covering fire to make the plan work. But something went wrong. I watched as three Spetznaz come out of the bushes, tackling Ghost. Ghost could only hold them off for so long. I pulled out my Desert Eagle, hoping to blast every one of those people to hell.
OOMPH I was tackled on my blind side, by two Spetz.
“You bastards,” I screamed, as I picked up my gun.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Four shots for each Spetz. I placed two well aimed shots in the head on one, and the other only vitally wounded him. One shot to his leg, and one to his arm.

“Stay there” I sprinted down to Ghost hoping that he was still alive.

“GHOST!!!.” I screamed as I saw him being dragged into the woods. I yelled in anguish as I came running to him. CRACK!! Bright red blood oozed from the Spetz face, as I clocked him in the face. I turned around and kicked the other Spetz in the stomach. He doubled over, careening on his side.

“Now, how do you like it, you Spetz!?” I pulled out my Desert Eagle and said, “This is for my country and people.”
BOOM!!! The body fell over, blood surrounding his body as it poured from the gunshot wound in his head.

“Come here Ghost,” I said as I hauled him up to his feet so he could lean on my shoulder.

“Thanks Roach,” was the response that followed.

“Can’t leave a man behind, ya know,” I said, “There’s the rendezvous point. Let’s go. We’re almost there.”

We traveled down the hill, slowly, but making progress. Ghost got better and finally... we made it. The helicopter was still running, as General Sheperd came out.

“Good work you to. You put up one hell of a fight,” said Sheperd.

“Thanks, Sheperd,” I said.

“Here let me help you.” Sheperd took Ghost out of my hands and lifted him up, “Let’s go.”

I started to go to the helicopter, and as I did, I looked behind me to see if Ghost was okay. As I did, Sheperd pulled out his gun and shot Ghost in the heart.

“There, now you won’t have to worry about him, Roach,” Sheperd said. Sheperd was a double agent.

“You bastard. You’re working for Makarov” I pulled out my Scar-H and was just about to fire, but Sheperd was quick. He put his arm around my head and pulled the trigger. The world went black.

I woke up a while later to see Sheperd's henchmen, pouring something over mine and Ghost’s bodies.It smelled really strange like... oil. I watched as Sheperd smoked a cigar as he walked and stood beside me.

“Later, Roach.” He tossed the half-smoked cigar right at me.

The world went up in flames. My burning flesh smelled like awfully like a crisped bacon. I wondered if it tasted like that too? I shuddered and let the thought go astray as I felt searing pain, then nothing but a void.

Here to review! I have to admit I know nothing of moddern warfare 2, so won't be comparing the story to it. This review is purely for grammer and overall impression
Nitpicks:

Reedo121 wrote:I hear the rush of the wind as we ride in a military Humvee.

No comma needed here.

Reedo121 wrote:Tears stream down my face, leaving little traces of water trails andwiping the
dirt off my face as I wonder if this is the last time that I might see Ghost.

just a little clean up here.

Reedo121 wrote:I remember the debriefing running down a hill with vital information from Makarov’s safe-house, shooting at anything that moves no full stop needed. Ghost, by my side, gives me covering fire to make the plan work. But something went wrong. I watched as three Spetznaz come out of the bushes, tackling Ghost. Ghost could only hold them off for so long.

Avoid repetition.

Overall: There aren't a lot of errors but you need to work on the stroy telling aspect; it was confusing, I don't even know what's going on. Or unless let me try to revise it. Ghost got caught in the woods, Roach saved Ghost, then Sheperd killed Ghost... I think

It wasn't a bad story, wasn't good either. It's in the middle section really. I'll give you credit for making a military story though, those are pretty hard to do!

The person above me covered the majority of the grammatical errors, but I have a couple of things to mention. I feel like you could have put so much more description into the fight and the imagery of what was going on. You kind of just told us what happened with some dialogue, you should show us more. Try to engulf yourself into this story and describe every aspect about this incident as if you were really in MW2, and make us get sucked into your story as well. Play around with it, let loose, it'll be fun, I promise

Keep writing!
<3 Sara

Hmm. What can I say? Your grammar seems to fluctuate between present and past tense. A way to rectify that, -at least, the way I do it- is to set in mind a certain tense you wish to use in your story beforehand. Then, while you write, or type, whatever suits you, you keep referring to the aforementioned tense. Also, checking twice after you have finished the first draft is a good way to ensure continuous use of a certain tense. As to the story itself, I would advise you to be more descriptive of the feelings of the characters, and also pay more attention to the environment. Keep away from using dialogue to show what's happening unless you're a professional at using it.
Other than that, good show.