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RPG with my friend



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Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:13 am
cooljm67 says...



Note: We did this in the middle of the night, it's a bit cheesy and the girl is way too depressing, this was just for fun and not meant to be judged or criticized in any way, shape, or form. Enjoy!

Kawashima Ami woke up not wanting to get out of bed. Today was her first day of going to a new school. Her family had to move from her old town because her dad's job moved so he moved with it. The sky was grey and cloudy and it looked like it was about to rain.

"Ami breakfast is ready," her mom called out from downstairs.

Ami sighed, she hated being in a new place, she hated change overall. A new house, a new school, having to make new friends. It took too much effort to readjust and she felt there was no purpose to starting a new life when she knew that change was bound to happen again. Ami gave up on readjusting to change since this was their 3rd time moving to a new place in one year. She gave up on making new friends since she knew she was going to leave, she gave up on trying her best, she basically gave up on life knowing that she would have to start over soon anyways.Ami got dressed in her school uniform and headed downstairs where her mom left her a bowl of cereal and milk.

"Cheer up honey, I'm sure this place is the one, positive"

That's what her mom said the last time they moved and look at where they are now.

"I'm gonna go" Ami said as she walked out to the door.

"Wait" her mom came up to her

"Listen Ami, I know it's tough with this transition and stuff but you got to remember that life is full of changes and that sometimes you got to accept them because not all of them are bad"

Ami knew her mom was right but that didn't get all the way through to her.

"Ok mom," she responded automatically removing her mom's hand from her face and started walking to school.

As she was walking to school she tried to envision a world where there was no change, everything stayed the same, she was back to her original home with the friends that she left behind years ago all happy and joyful, but while she was content in her little world she accidentally bumped into someone while she walking, it was a boy . Ami surprised. Looked up met his dark eyes compared to her greyish green eyes, they were the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. His hair was dark too but had a hint of lightness to it when the sun hit the surface of his hair.

The boy gave Ami a little smirk and said, "You should watch where you're going next time or you'll get run over" and then he started walking away leaving Ami frozen on the sidewalk.

From a distant he was tall and lanky but still graceful with each step he took. Compared to her light skinned, fair haired self he was more beautiful looking than she was. Then remembering why she was there, she began to think to herself, what am I doing I shouldn't be falling for guys, I shouldn't be looking to befriend anyone right now, and she went back into her dazed depressed state knowing that she was only a few blocks away from school. The rain pitter-pattered with each step Ami took and the dirt path she traveled along was soft and muddy. She eventually reached the school building and it loomed over her beside the clouds. Ami brushed back her sopping wet hair, approached the locker room and removed her shoes. A few other girls a row down from her stared and whispered.

"Ne, ne," one wide-eyed girl said quietly, "Who's that girl?" Her friends continued to eye her with disdain, one of them making a slight grimace at her muddy appearance.

"Ugh, it's just the new girl," they scrambled away, not wanting to be seen near such an odd person.

Ignoring the looks by the other girls, Ami kept to herself for most of the day and pretended to blend in with the school, going unnoticed by all the other people in the classes. She tried to avoid people as much as she could, sitting in the corner of the classroom, droning out the talking of students, making sure not to cause any disturbance in the room. When it was lunch time she sat far away from the other students and just went to a deserted spot right under a tree and ate her lunch there quietly, she thought she was alone for the time being until she saw a dark figure on the other side of the tree, it was the boy from before, he was sleeping and looked quite peaceful. She noticed that her heart was starting to pound. She got up before he woke and walked away. She decided to go into an empty classroom, secluding herself from the rest of the world content to just stay in her own private little world inside her head, knowing it was her safest place staying in her own little world inside her head, knowing that its her safest place. After lunch, all the students reported to their respective homerooms, leaving Ami confused as to which room she was supposed to be in.

"B-2?" she furrowed her eyebrows together and looked around, hurrying up the stairs. Ami passed through three different corridors before she found the right place. She slid the classroom door open apprehensively. The teacher rubbed his temples and sighed at her tardy appearance.

"Miss..." the middle-aged man paused and peered over to look at his clipboard, "Kawashima, yes? I'm fully aware today is your first day, but being ten minutes late to class will not be tolerated. Understood?" Some of the students already seated snickered quietly, but Ami ignored them. She was used to this by now.

"Now please take a seat. There's an empty desk beside Ryusaki–san in the back row.” A chill ran up Ami’s spine as she realized he was the attractive boy she had seen earlier – and now she would be sitting next to him permanently. She felt his gray eyes boring into her as she seated herself, causing her to quietly pick up her book and bury her face in it.

His expression remained indifferent and he merely propped his head up with his arm and stared out the window at the drizzling rain. When the teacher glared slightly at her for not paying attention she put her book down and stared holes into the surface of her desk.

There was a note written in precise black ink.

We’re on page 15.

She nodded even though he wasn’t looking at her and fumbled through the pages of the book she had previously been trying to hide in. After class was over Ami was about to thank Ryusaki for telling her what page number they were on, but he was already out the door before she could say a decent thanks. She sighed and began heading towards the door until she felt a tap on her shoulder and looked behind her. Standing in front of her was a short red haired girl smiling at her.

"Hi!" she said.

"You must be Kawashima-san, the new girl right?"

"Right" Ami replied back not wanting to talk to this stranger.

"My names Takashi-san , but you can just call me Hikari , we have a few classes together." she continued to smile at Ami which was starting to creep her out a little. Why would this happy creature want to be friends with me?

Before Ami could reply to her greeting, Hikari asked "Hey do you wanna go eat somewhere together, my uncle owns a noodle shop just around the corner."

"Uh thanks, but I have to go home, I've got a lot of work to do" Ami replied.

"Oh." Hikari replied her smile fading but then coming back to life when she said "Well how about this weekend then?" she asked and Ami knew that she would have no choice but to accept since she knew Hikari would probably not give up until she said yes.

"Ok." Ami replied.

"Yay" said Hikari overjoyed grabbing Ami, and leading her to her next class...
Last edited by cooljm67 on Fri Jul 01, 2011 7:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 4:19 pm
RoseGryffindor says...



Pretty impressive for the middle of the night. It's not all that cheesy either. There was just a couple ( ok, a lot) grammar issues but overrall it was greally good. I quite enjoyed it.

Kawashima ami woke up not wanting to get out of bed. Today was her first day of going to a new school. Her family had to move from her old town because her dad's job moved so he moved with it. The sky was grey and cloudy and it looked like it was about to rain. "Ami breakfast is ready," her mom called out from downstairs. Ami sighed, she hated being in a new place, she hated change overall. A new house, a new school, having to make new friends. It took too much effort to readjust and she felt there was no purpose to starting a new life when she knew that change was bound to happen again. Ami gave up on readjusting to change since this was their 3rd time moving to a new place in one year. She gave up on making new friends since she knew she was going to leave, she gave up on trying her best, she basically gave up on life knowing that she would have to start over soon anyways. Ami got dressed in her school uniformWhere does she go to school? and headed downstairs where her mom left her a bowl of cereal and milk. "Cheer up honey, I'm sure this place is the one, positive." That's what her mom said the last time they moved and look at where they are now. "I'm gonna go." Ami said as she walked out to the door. "Wait," her mom came up to her. "Listen Ami, I know it's tough with this transition and stuff but you got to remember that life is full of changes and that sometimes you got to accept them because not all of them are bad." Ami knew her mom was right but shereplace "she" with "that" didn't get all the way through to her. "Ok mom," she responded automatically removing her mom's hand from her face and started walking to school. As she was walking to school she tried to envision a world where there was no change, everything stayed the same, she was back to her original home with the friends that she left behind years ago all happy and joyful, but while she was content in her little world she accidentally bumped into someone while she walking, it was a boy (yea cheesy line but you can ignore that). Ami suprised, looked up met his dark eyes compared to her greyish green eyes, they were the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen, andend sentence. His hair was dark too but had a hint of lightness to it when the sun hit the surface of his hair. The boy gave Ami a little smirked"smirk" and said, "You should watch where you're going next time or you'll get run over," and then he started walking away leaving Ami frozen on the sidewalk. From a distant he was tall and lanky but still graceful with each step he took. (God I never noticed the cheesiness in this rpg until now, oh well too late now) Compared to her light skinned, fair haired self he was more beautiful looking than she was. Then remembering why she was there, she began to think to herself, what am I doing I shouldn't be falling for guys, I shouldn't be looking to befriend anyone right now, and she went back into her dazed depressed state knowing that she was only a few blocks away from school. The rain pitter-pattered with each step Ami took and the dirt path she traveled along was softand muddy. She eventually reached the school building and it loomed over her beside the clouds. Ami brushed back her sopping wet hair, approaching"approached" the locker room and removing"removed" her shoes. A few other girls a row down from her stared and whispered.

"Ne, ne," one wide-eyed girl said quietly, "Who's that girl?" Her friends continued to eye her with disdain, one of them making a slight grimace at her muddy appearance.

"Ugh, it's just the new girl," they scrambled away, not wanting to be seen near such an odd person. Ignoring the looks by the other girls, Ami kept to herself for most of the day and pretended to blend in with the school, going unoticed by all the other people in the classes. She tried to avoid people as much as she could, sitting in the corner of the classroom, droning out the talking of students, making sure not to cause any attentionreplace with "disturbance" in the room. When it was lunch time she sat far away from the other students and just went to a deserted spot right under a tree and ate her lunch there quietly, she thought she was alone for the time being until she saw a dark figure on the other side of the tree, it was the boy from before, he was sleeping and looked quite peaceful. She noticing"noticed" that her heart was starting to pound. She got up before he woke uptake out "up" and wentreplace "went" with "walked away"She decided to go into an empty classroom, secluding herself from the rest of the world content to just stay in her own private little world inside her head, knowing it was her safest place staying in her own little world inside her head, knowing that its her safest place. After lunch, all the students reported to their respective homerooms, leaving Ami confused as to which room she was supposed to be in.

"B-2?" she furrowed her eyebrows together and looked around, hurrying up the stairs. Ami passed through three different corridors before she found the right place. She slid the classroom door open apprehensively. The teacher rubbed his temples and sighed at her tardy appearance.

"Miss..." the middle-aged man paused and peered over to look at his clipboard, "Kawashima, yes? I'm fully aware today is your first day, but being ten minutes late to class will not be tolerated. Understood?" Some of the students already seated snickered quietly, but Ami ignored them. She was used to this by now.

"Now please take a seat. There's an empty desk beside Ryusaki–san in the back row.” A chill ran up Ami’s spine as she realized he was the attractive boy she had seen earlier – and now she would be sitting next to him permanently. She felt his gray eyes boring into her as she seated herself, causing her to quietly pick up her book and bury her face in it.

His expression remained indifferent and he merely propped his head up with his arm and stared out the window at the drizzling rain. When the teacher glared slightly at her for not paying attention she put her book down and stared holes into the surface of her desk.

There was a note written in precise black ink.

We’re on page 15.

She nodded even though he wasn’t looking at her and fumbled through the pages of the book she had previously been trying to hide in. After class was over Ami was about to thank Ryusaki for telling her what page number they were on, but he was already out the door before she could say a decent thanks. She sighed and began heading towards the door until she felt a tap on her shoulder and looked behind her. Standing in front of her was a short red haired girl smiling at her. "Hi!" she said. "You must be Kawashima-san, the new girl right?" "Right" Ami replied back not wanting to talk to this stranger. "My names Takashi-san (temporary name), but you can just call me Hikari (temporary name), we have a few classes together." she continued to smile at Ami which was starting to creep her out a little. Why would this happy creature want to be friends with me? Before Ami could reply to her greeting, Hikari asked "Hey do you wanna come and have noodles with me, my uncle owns a noodle shop just around the corner."(noodle shop? could that be anymore generic) "Uh thanks, but I have to go home, I've got a lot of work to do" Ami replied. "Oh." Hikari replied her smile fading but then coming back to life when she said "Well how about this weekend then?" she asked and Ami knew that she would have no choice but to accept since she knew Hikari would probably not give up until she said yes. "Ok." Ami replied. "Yay" said Hikari overjoyed and grabbedgrabbing Ami, and leading her to her next class... Ami and led her to her next class talking non-stop with her. (and that is where it ended and was never completed)
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 7:27 pm
ToritheMonster says...



Hi there! So, I'm not a huge fanfic person except for the occasional Harry Potter, but I decided to review this.

First! Please space out those huge blocks of text. Just looking at them is daunting, no matter what their contents are. It's scary. Next, you don't have to tell us the names are temporary in the text itself. A spoiler outside will do just as well.

Overall, you didn't have any major issues with spelling. Just make sure to space things out and tabulate. Also, please do not forget that every time a new person speaks, a new paragraph is needed. It's hellish to try to read your first block of text with all those quotes and words mushed together.

Lastly, don't comment on you own piece in the text! If you're unsure of what to write, just don't post it, or edit it afterwards. If it is a character thinking, put it in italics.

In conclusion, work on speech in text and edit before you post. Keep writing!

-Tori
Honey, you should see me in a crown.
  





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Fri Jul 01, 2011 8:01 pm
cooljm67 says...



Thanks for the comments, I followed your advice and put more spacing between the text and spoken parts. I also followed your little edits that you made, they helped a bunch! (Sorry if there were a lot of grammar mistakes! It was written in the middle of the night and I was kind too tired to pay attention to them.) I also took out my little comments, I was in my own little world when I wrote them and thought they'd be funny but that was just my own opinion. If anyone else has more tips or any ideas on how this story should continue please feel free to tell me!
  








If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky