Young Writers Society

A/N: So this is my story for Percy Jackson and the Olympians that got nominated over at Fanmortals for Veritas Best Angst...If you would like to vote for me, follow this link: http://fanmortals.webs.com/votingbestangst.htm

Title: Oracle
Fandom: Percy Jackson and the Olympians
Characters/Pairings: May C./Hermes/Apollo
Rating: K+ or 12+
Summary: Series of moments in the life of May Castellan. May/Hermes/Apollo
Chap. 1: DILUCULO (Latin for "dawn;" pre-series)

***

She tells herself the light is a dream. The shimmer of gold on her bedroom curtain, the shadowy dapples dancing on her floor, is all part of a beautiful fantasy. She tells herself this every morning, every break of day.

She wishes she could believe it.

She wishes she could pretend she imagined his touch, the warmth of his fingers. Imagined his eyes that melted her like the sun melts butter. She has a desperate desire that his perfectly chiseled lips against her own existed only in her mind's eye.

If only May Castellan did not see so clearly.

Her gaze picks out the truth, the images underneath the veil of lies. She sees the old woman at the bus stop with a hag's face, the man with the single eye swiveling in his forehead. She has only ever seen the reality beneath her carefully concealed world.

So why does she feel the aching need to ignore what cannot be denied?

She knows them both, the warmth of day and the mystery of night. One, the man who makes her feel young and carefree and brimming with freedom. He's her sun, her god, her Prince Charming come from a dazzling world. He's danger and temptation and why the hell not?

But he's not him. Oh, god, he's not him.

He's not the man with the mischievous smile and twinkling eyes. The sight of his face doesn't hold memories of late summer breezes and A Portrait of Dorian Gray and caramel lattes. His jokes and fiery sports car don't make her ache with a love that is half painful and half wonderful. He's not him, and in that lays all the difference in the world.

She wishes, and prays to a God that doesn't exist, that she couldn't see the truth that is always there, insidious and prying.

Her life is lived between the lines: sunset and dawn. Hesper and Eos. She's the union of opposites, the embodiment of collision. Every day, every moment, she is too full, too full of sight and too full of truth. The pain is exquisitely terrible and exquisitely intoxicating. She wishes she could just let go.

She finds herself wishing impossibilities often these days.

***

Thanks for reading.

Hey there! Seeing as this has no feedback, here I am, inadequately helpful as ever.

First of all, let me just say that the writing here is beautiful. Eloquent, intoxicating, melodic. But because of this style of writing, it can be hard to understand.

When I first read it through, I was confused. I read the man she describes as one person (well, god), and it wasn't until looking closely at first the header showing the three names and then the individual descriptions did I realize that she was describing two different people, comparing them. If you revised this, I'd make it more apparent (like, say, using their names; and I realize you say Hesper and Eos, but those aren't common names and it was hard to make the connection between them and Apollo and Hermes).

I'd also make the conflict more apparent; right now, you're glancing over the actual struggle between them, focusing mainly on fleshing out their unique traits instead of, say, how she can't have both but has to choose. I mean, when you read this carefully, you pull that from the words, but like I said, with this style of writing it's easy to flow with it, not digging into the words, just catching what pops out.

Another thing I've noticed is, this tends to read like a teenager wrote it - probably because of its "just short of overdrawn sentences, descriptions". And the way she talks about the gods, like she's intoxicated in their presences - she speaks like a teenager who's found what they take as love though is really only infatuation. Though, the way you write this, it's also what I love about it. I know, this is probably just a confusing mess and you have no idea what to take from it - I'm not sure exactly what the point in mentioning this is, exactly. I just thought I'd bring it up, let you sit with it.

Now, if I'm correct, this is a sort of prologue to a bigger work revolving around May? In that case, I think this works well to draw us into the character and her hazardous feelings. I like how you end it, which serves very well in the presence of a prologue. Are you planning on posting more parts to this on here? If so, I'd like it if you rang me up (well, posted me up, I suppose).

Sorry this isn't actually helpful. If you have any questions about any of this or want me to elaborate, feel free to post on my wall and I'll try to clear up anything I can.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Huuuuuge fan of the Percy Jackson series (I've read it all the way through a good two or three times). May is Luke's mom and the god youre talking about is hermes, but what time is you fanfiction taking place? Is Luke just born, or a few years old???
Out of all of it I like how you described Hermes and the emotion you put in May's thoughts.

Oh.My.Gods. This was really fun to read. I like how you're using May, a lot of poeple do something with Percy and Annabeth and truthfully, it just gets old. Anyway, it was good so far but I would make an effort to make the conflict more apparent. It doesn't have to be obvious, but maybe a little more developed. Also, when does this take place? Before Luke is born? When he is a baby? Just add a few more details to the setting. Other than that it was great. I loved it.

-Kels

Thanks for all your kind reviews!