z

Young Writers Society


Chocolate Morning



User avatar
261 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1802
Reviews: 261
Wed Aug 03, 2011 2:11 pm
KnightlyAngel09 says...



Spoiler! :
I began loads of fanfiction when I first began to write but I never finished them. This is the first I've finished and I'm glad it's about Remus and Tonks, my absolute favorite pairing in the Harry Potter series. They've got such a beautiful relationship though it's hardly mentioned in the books and pretty much non-existent in the movies. Here's my take on the first day they met.


Characters and Universe belongs to J.K. Rowling.


Remus was awakened by a loud crash coming from the front door of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He grabbed his wand instinctively and hastily buttoning his shirt, he rushed down the steps and into the landing. The shrieks of Mrs. Black were ringing in his ears and causing his head to ache savagely. He heard voices from below, one he recognized as Kingsley’s, the other a woman’s, unfamiliar to him.

He saw a young woman wearing the most shocking shade of purple on her hair apologizing profusely to Kingsley. She was raising her voice above the shouts of Mrs. Black and adding effectively to the din in the house.

“OH LORD! WILL YOU SHUT UP AUNT?” The young witch bellowed and waved her wand furiously in the direction of the portrait. Remus saw the sparks for only a moment before he was thrown off of his feet followed by a loud bang as the witch’s spell exploded on the wall.

“DEAR GOD!” Nymphadora Tonks rushed up the stairs to the man she may have potentially maimed for life. She lifted a few bits of moldy wallpaper and plaster from his head when the man finally opened his eyes.

“He’s alive!” She proclaimed proudly to Kingsley who was looking at her with a face that said that her career as Auror may be ending soon.

Interesting morning. Remus thought as he felt the young witch gently trying to lift him in her arms. He winced as the woman’s wand nearly poked his eye out and coughed a little in protest. She looked down at Remus with a look of concern. Her eyes were a vibrant purple, matching her hair perfectly and Remus felt oddly uncomfortable as her eyes bore down on him. He was suddenly painfully aware that his shirt hadn’t been washed in days, that his hair was singed from this witch’s spell and that a piece of the flowered wallpaper was still stuck to his cheek.

“What in the world is all this noise about?” Sirius was awake as well, looking down at the mess in his front hall with amused eyes.

“Hmm… Nymphadora Tonks, is demolishing my house your idea of a hello after all this time?”

“Wotcher, Sirius!” Tonks said cheerfully. “And don’t call me—“

“And what do you mean by murdering my best friend before breakfast?”

“Oh, he’s not dead!” Tonks insisted. The young woman grabbed Remus’ arm and helped him to his feet.

“Having a good morning, Remus?”

“Quite.” Remus said weakly.

“I’m really very sorry.” The woman smiled at him and he couldn’t help but smile back. “Nymphadora Tonks, Auror, at your service. You can call me Tonks.”

“That’s Auror-in-training Tonks.” Kingsley said. “You nearly killed Remus Lupin.”

“Oh so you’re Remus Lupin!” Tonks said. Remus couldn’t help letting a small laugh escape him. She was so damned excited and cheerful. She was standing in stark contrast to Kingsley, looking grim and shaking his head in disapproval of his new recruit. “Just kidding. I’ve no idea who you are. But it’s nice to meet you.” She held out a hand to him and he shook it warmly. He was struck by how young she seemed, how eager. He guessed that she was probably just a few years out of Hogwarts, completely unaware of how dangerous the fight with Voldemort will be.

“How old is she?” He whispered to Sirius. “She seems far too young to be part of the Order.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. She’s older than she looks. In fact,” Sirius gave him a knowing look. “Don’t let any of Tonks’ looks fool you. She’s a Metamorphmagus.”

“Really? Useful trait.”

“The only reason Kingsley stomachs her being an Auror. She’s a complete klutz. You better fix the breakfast things before she offers to help out or we’ll be left with only shards and burnt toast.”

“I don’t think her unique powers are the only reason Kingsley chose her. She has a tendency to be a little… loud, but she’s eager to help. Besides, that spell she threw lifted me clean off my feet. She’ll surprise us yet, I’m sure.”

Sirius was looking curiously at Remus as he talked about Tonks and suddenly, he stopped dead in his tracks and grabbed Remus’ arm.

“You like her.”

“What?” Remus said sharply. “Merlin! She’s far too young! I just met her—are you mad?”

“No. No. Are you mad?” Sirius whispered vehemently. “Good Lord! She’s my baby cousin and you fancy her.”

“She’s hardly a baby anymore, Sirius.” Remus replied.

“There! You see—you do like her!” Sirius gave a bark of laughter. “I’ve known you since you were eleven. I know when you’re crushing. And you’re crushing.” He had a glint of mischievous amusement in his eyes. “…that spell she threw lifted me clean off my feet.” Sirius mocked his earlier words. “Subtle Moony. Real subtle.”

“Shut up, she’ll hear you. And it’s not true.”

“Hmph.” Sirius answered. Remus didn’t quite like the glint in his friend’s eyes.


Tonks did offer to help prepare the breakfast, but after tripping on her own robes as she was levitating the glasses to the table, Sirius finally managed to convince her to sit down. Remus laughed at her embarrassment and only smiled when she threw him a vicious glare. He couldn’t remember Grimmauld Place ever being this cheerful.

Tonks chattered endlessly, amusing them with stories of how she squeezed through the Auror tests. Remus studiously avoided looking at Tonks because he felt Sirius’ eyes on him, but he couldn’t help but turn to her whenever he heard her loud laughter. He caught himself smiling at the jokes she made at her own expense. He felt the weariness lifting from him somewhat just by listening to her laugh.

“You look like a lovesick fool.” Sirius whispered. “I’ll thank you to wipe that look off your face when you’re looking at Tonks.”

“Shut up about it.” Remus answered. “I’m too old for foolish nonsense. You have nothing to worry about. I’m in no danger at all.”


After breakfast, Kingsley and Tonks rose to leave. She offered to help clean up but Remus gently took the stack of plates from her hands, saying that he’ll handle it. Tonks frowned at him, muttering about how he didn’t trust her cleaning skills.

“Tonks, we will need at least a few plates to eat out of. Don’t be so offended.” Sirius quipped. Tonks sent a parting curse Sirius’ way but only managed to explode a cupboard.

“Please take her away before she brings the roof down on all of us.” Sirius grumbled to Kingsley.

Remus walked Tonks and Kingsley to the door, carefully pulling the handle so as not to upset the umbrella stand.

“Well, I hope I see you again, Remus.” Tonks held out a hand to him and she noticed as a shadow crossed his face. He couldn’t help thinking that every time one of the members of the Order walked out of Number 12, there was a great possibility of them never returning.

“Lighten up, man!” Tonks said cheerfully, turning her hair bright pink just to prove the point. “You’re quite dashing when you smile.”

Remus gave a bark of laughter and fished in his coat pockets for something he could give her.

“Chocolate for the road.” He said, handing the bar to her.

She smiled brightly at him as she accepted the sweets. Kingsley raised an eyebrow at them and disappeared into the street.

“I’ll see you.” Tonks repeated and turned to leave, but not before she bumped her shin into the umbrella stand. “Dear Lord! Sorry Remus!”

And above the raucous of Mrs. Black’s shrieks, Remus heard Sirius’ voice, “At least admit you fancy her, Moony.”

“I don’t.” Remus called out firmly.

“You never give me any chocolate.”
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you.:)
  





User avatar
1176 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
Wed Aug 03, 2011 8:33 pm
Twit says...



Hai!

I haven’t read all of the Harry Potters, so bear with me. I’m not going to go on characters, as I’m not able to judge, but just go on technical stuff, sa?


“OH LORD! WILL YOU SHUT UP AUNT?” The young witch bellowed and waved her wand furiously in the direction of the portrait.


Writing out a shout in all-caps doesn’t look very good. Too cartoony, and it doesn’t make me want to take you seriously. You say that she bellowed, so you don’t the caps; it’s overemphasis and OTT.

Also (and you do this throughout) if you have a dialogue tag, like he said or she said or whatever, you need to end the dialogue with a comma and start the narrative with a small letter. So, “I lost my shoe,” said Sam not “I lost my shoe.” Said Sam


He guessed that she was probably just a few years out of Hogwarts, completely unaware of how dangerous the fight with Voldemort will be.


You’ve got a tense switch here. You need it to be all in the past, so “completely unaware of how dangerous the fight with Voldemort would be”.


“How old is she?” He whispered to Sirius. “She seems far too young to be part of the Order.”


I thought it was a bit weird that they were whispering about her in front of her, but then they’re suddenly walking elsewhere and she’s gone and it’s all very sudden, and you missed her exit.


She offered to help clean up but Remus gently took the stack of plates from her hands, saying that he’ll handle it.


Tense switch again. You need “saying that he would handle it”.

---

K! Overall, your writing’s fine. You’ve got good pace and your dialogue’s very realistic. You did switch tenses several times, and your grammar’s a bit shaky, but that’s easily fixed. :) Where I think you could do a lot better is detail. There’s barely any description at all, and you don’t often slow down and really drink in the scene. I’d like a bit more drinking in, so I can visualise the setting a bit better.

Hope this helped you! Keep writing and PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





User avatar
1417 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:42 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there!

So, I am an insanely avid Harry Potter fan. I quite enjoy reading Harry Potter fanfics. I joined fanfiction so I could read them :) Anyway, I really like this. I laughed at least twice through this thing. It was written very well and you captured the charazters perfectly. I can definitely see Sirius saying all those things and Tonks messing up everything.

You know, I've never actually thought of how Tonks and Lupin fell in love. I just thought it was the cutest thing when I read about it. You're right, the books or the movies don't really go into detail with Tonks and Lupin's relationship. The last movie actually made me quite mad when they left out an important thing between them (if you've read the book/seen the movie you know what I mean. I don't know if you have or not so I don't want to spoil it).

This was great! Keep writing! PM me if you finish any more of them. :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life
  





User avatar
30 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 762
Reviews: 30
Wed Aug 10, 2011 5:38 am
icebender28 says...



I really liked it! I thought it was cute how you took Remus and Tonk's story and built on it, even though they don't really talk about it in the books or movies. Good job describing and I really liked the comedy side. I don't really read the books, so I didn't know that Tonks was such a klutz! It's hilarious!
I don't think I saw any speeling or grammer mistakes, which is good. You're a really good writer. if I didn't know any better, I could have said it was from one of those books they release after the main series as a side story! (That was supposed to be a compliment. Sorry, I can't really give my comments a good or bad tone while online! :) )
Keep writing! :D
Life is to be lived, not survived.
  








rule #1 of being a potato: potatoes gotta defend their friends from negative self-talk
— Spearmint