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What have you done?



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Thu Aug 11, 2011 9:37 pm
Priceless says...



Spoiler! :
Just posted this to prove that real crappy fanfiction exists. o.O Inspired by the song "What Have You Done?" by Within Temptation


Hermione held out her wand with a shaky hand. Tears brimmed in her eyes. Her heart ached as she stared into the eyes of the man she loved. Her voice came out trembling. “Why?”
His eyes were stone cold, so cold. “I had to do it.”
“WHY?” she screamed. “Because he was better than you at flying? Because he got more attention than you? Is that a reason to fucking kill someone? What am I going to do, Draco?”
“I serve the Dark Lord, you know that.”
Hermione’s lip trembled. The tears began to flow more freely. “I loved you Draco. I loved you with every piece of me! I would have died for you. He would have died for you. Any one of us would have protected you, you knew that!”
Dead grey eyes met brown tear-filled ones. “I loved you too.”
“There was hope for us,” sobbed Hermione. “We had a future! But now…”
“We’re on different sides. There can be no future.”
“You were amazing,” she whispered. “We were amazing. Don’t you remember, Draco? Don’t you remember when we snuck into the kitchens at midnight?”
“I remember.”
“And…and that night, in the Room of Requirement…”
“Stop!” he howled. “Why are you torturing me? It’s never going to happen, do you know how I much want this? Do you know how much I want you?”
She saw pain, raw pain in his eyes. Bitter irony washed over her. She remembered when they had first met as first-years. He was changed forever since then, and so was she.
“I wanted you too, Draco. Till you murdered my best friend,” she said, moving closer, pointing the wand directly at him. “I told you. Just say the word, and the Order would take you in, protect you. You wouldn’t have to do what that monster ordered you. You decided to join him anyway.”
He looked at her blankly. “So you’re going to kill me?”

The seconds felt like hours. There was no one and nothing in the world apart from him. She tried to find the strength, the power to lose him forever.
She remembered Harry, and all the times they had shared, good and bad. She remembered his smile, his laugh, his selflessness, his support. This was the person who had murdered him. Tortured and destroyed him, even though he had had a choice. He stood perfectly still, and perfectly emotionless as a statue. She stared into his eyes, trying to find some humanity, some remorse. And that’s when she realized. He didn’t regret killing Harry. He had wanted to. And that’s why he had never joined the Order. And she made her decision.“Avada Kedavra!”
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2011 11:33 pm
TheCrimsonQuill says...



All I have to say is: Wow.
I can't seem to find anything wrong with it. Or maybe I was just too hooked to even look for mistakes o_o
No, sir. I am not crazy. I just have a vast amount of beautiful imagination.

Spoiler! :
Imprisoned beneath is where the souless dwell.
Lies a place that the damned call home.
A place where the virtuous hide in fear.
A place we only see in our nightmares.
A place where the sun is silent...
- Alesana
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:22 am
Noelle says...



Hi there!

I love this!! It was written very well and kept me interested throughout the whole piece. I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan, so I was excited to read this.

Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life
  





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Sat Aug 13, 2011 7:38 pm
Demoness says...



Aow, I loved this! Hermoine and Draco... that's something new! I like that you based this on an idea of your own but still managed to capture the true personalities of these two people. I also like how you referr to events that happened in the books and sametime make up those of your own. Alltogehter.. this was quite amazing! NICE JOB!
I found no grammatic errors and I like the way you structured it so just...

here you go; 5/5 icksy sticky spiders!


Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:15 pm
gleek456 says...



This is the second Hermione/Draco fanfic that I've read from you, and you never disappoint! :D I love the plot this time! Draco killed Harry, now Hermione kills Draco, with hate and regret (the regret part not so much, since she knew that Draco doesn't regret klling Harry). I don't have any nit-picks for this one, although, I don't think this fanfic needs any! This is perfect the way it is! Awesome job and keep it up!

- gleek456 <3
YOU'VE GOT THAT ONE THING
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:32 pm
Starlight9 says...



Hey Priceless, I am going to start reviewing by spotting the grammatical and punctuational errors
His eyes were stone cold, so cold. “I had to do it.”

> no need for repeating the word cold, better to replace it with a stronger word.

Dead grey eyes met her brown tear-filled ones. “I loved you too.”

“I told you. Just say the word, and the Order would take you in, protect you.

> no need for the comma, use a linking word instead such as to/in order to

Like your story. However, I have to disagree with you because you write fanfiction pretty well.
Well done and keep writing.
★L9
  





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Fri Sep 02, 2011 5:05 pm
Alpha says...



Heyyy sista! I know I acted a bit. skeptical when you said my avvie was ruining you Dramione hopes, so I stalked your profile a bit and I found this :D
And guess what? I loved it!It's cool, refreshing, epic in a sad way, and I recommend this to any HP-fan-fic-lover!
Great job!
Cheers,
Alpha
  








Stories don't end because you stopped paying attention.
— SJ Whitby