Young Writers Society

Karma sighed. Zelithon could be so dense sometimes. She was attempting unsuccessfully to teach Zelithon how to play a simple card game.

"No, no, no! You want to get all of the cards, not get rid of them!" Karma explained exasperated.

"Wait... So this card goes where?" Zelithon was hopeless. Just then DQ came in.

"What are you playing? Can I play?”

The answers came simultaneously but were divided.

“No!” said Karma forcefully.

“Yes! Please do!” Zelithon yelled then added, “maybe you can find someone else and we can play kemp.”

“You always want to play kemp.”

Looked from girl to girl confused. Karma wanted to continue her vain attempt of teaching Zelithon a new card game, but Zelithon wanted to play a game he had never heard of. “Maybe you should finish the game, I will watch.”

The door flew open startling everyone out of concentration, admit tingly Zelithon was hardly concentrating in the first place…

A boy about their age strode in confidently, a skateboard in one hand and a soda in the other. “Sup?” he said casually as he sat down by Karma. The three gawked at him.

Karma regained her tongue the quickest as usual, “Who are you? Are you new? Nice to meet you! This is Zelithon and DQ, his full name is too long to pronounce, and I am Karma.”

The boy looked confuzzled before regaining his composure, “I’m Electricbluemonkey, silly. I already know all of you.”

Zelithon opened her mouth then shut it. Finally she opened it again, “I thought Electricbluemonkey was seventeen, although you do have a Led Zeppelin shirt on like he likes. But a lot of dorks like Led Zeppelin.” DQ opened his mouth to protest. Zelithon just said “shush!” to him before carrying on, “Explain yourself.”

Electricbluemonkey shrugged, “I’ve never been seventeen, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“We must call a meeting immediately,” Zelithon whispered none too softly to DQ and Karma.

Mildly amusing but altogether pointless. Also, where's the action? There was no adventure in this story.

I should have mentioned: it is not done. Action will start in next section.
Section by section it shall be posted. Anyone who critiques and requests it i shall include. I shall also include 14 years olds and important members.

This contains a bit of novelty, simply by the setting, but for all intents and purposes...has none.. (As Reicheru said)

It ends too suddenly, without establishing anything, really. Using adjectives and couple of descriptive passages, even if in mockery, can be very hepful and attract readers' interest. Also, try to tie the title in better with the story.

Last: "Looked from girl to girl confused." Where's the subject?

This just needs more substance. But don't abuse it.

The dialogue is mildly funny, but you don't totally dominate the "awkward situation" scene entirely. Yes. I just said "awkward situation" as if its some kind of writing genre, but you know what I mean. The characters are talking, and one of the characters doesn't get what the other is saying, and they're all trying to get into the same page, and its supposed to go back and forth very quickly, and give the reader a big smile. Well, it doesn't happen here. Why?

One of the things you did wrong was start telling the reader what is going to happen, just before it actually happens. The reader is not stupid, he can figure it out. For example:

The answers came simultaneously but were divided.

“No!” said Karma forcefully.

“Yes! Please do!” Zelithon yelled then added, “maybe you can find someone else and we can play kemp.”

“You always want to play kemp.”

Why would you say: "the answers came simultaneously..." if the reader is going to realize that just in the next sentence. That whole phrase ruins the spontaneity (hoho, I never knew how to write that until just now) of an otherwise funny situation. And also, the punctuation is not that great.

And then came the whole "where is the subject" thingamajig, but I'm guessing that's the typo -or some Where is Waldo kinda game.

I love Where's Waldo.

See? If that second line would've been someone else, it would've been a funny "awkward situation" moment. Because I didn't say: And then the other character responded saying the following.

Hope I helped. Buh-bye.

Thanks for the comments y'all. I will be sure to keep it in mind. I hope this next part is read and enjoyed. Some actual action in it too.


“Are you sure? We don’t usually call meetings unless we REALLY have to.” DQ asked surprised, and sensible as usual.

“I agree with Zel! We should totally call a meeting, I haven’t been to one yet.”

“Been to what?” the trio jumped when Electricbluemonkey spoke.

“Nothing!” Zelithon
Electricbluemonkey shrugged, “I’ve never been seventeen, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“shouted. “I just have to go to the bathroom and Karma here, wants to come too! She hasn’t been to the bathroom here yet! DQ also wants to come!” It was completely incospicus.

DQ looked shocked and angry, “Me, want to go in the girls bathroom-” Karma pinched him, “ow!”

Electricbluemonkey gave DQ a funny look, “Ok, sure whatever. See you guys later.”

As they walked away Zelithon grinned, “Ha! I totally fooled him! What a chump! You guys should thank me for me quick thinking.” Karma was too disgusted to even respond. DQ simply snorted.

“What are we really doing?” Karma finally asked.

“Why going to the bathroom of coarse!” That made DQ stop in his tracks.

“Wait! I thought we were calling a meeting?” he asked exasperated.

“We are, but first I need to go to the bathroom.” Zelithon patiently explained.

Karma smiled and rolled her eyes. DQ did not find it so amusing. “I will gather everyone for the meeting while you use the bathroom.”

Zelithon shrugged, “Suit yourself.”

Zelithon and Karma got to the “lavatory,” as the sign on the door said, (the British YWS members insisted on making the sign say lavatory, that is all but, Firestarter who wanted privy) with no interruption. Karma messed with her hair as Zelithon checked the stalls to see if they were occupied. When she came to the third stall she saw a llama seat cover over the toilet. “That’s odd,” she murmured, “this is the girl’s lavatory, what is Lamalama’s seat cover doing here?”

Karma came over to examine it too, “How did you know he has a toilet seat cover?” Karma grinned, “but it is odd.” Just then the toilet started to flush all on it’s own. Zelithon, surprised, took a step back and slipped on the wet floor. Her hand landed in the toilet.

“EWW!” she said before turning towards Karma who was laughing. Zelithon glared.

The toilet was still flushing and Zelithon had not yet withdrawn her hand from it. Without warning it’s pull became twenty times stronger. She tried to pull out her hand but couldn’t. Soon her whole arm was in, but the toilet continued to pull despite the obstruction.

Despite Zelithon yelled “Help!” at Karma even though she had been determined to remain mad at her at least five minutes for laughing. Karma grabbed Zelithon’s other arm and began pulling to no avail. She leaned back still holding Zelithon’s arm but succeeded only in making Zelithon yelp in pain.

“I’ll go for help!” Karma yelled above the clamor of the toilet. She never got the chance. Before she could even let go, the lama toilet sucked them in.

Oh, har de har har har....
That was sarcasm..

but, I HOPE this is a typo:

wanted to play a game he had never heard of.

Who invited YOU? I dont remember asking u to read this...
Besides, i plan on killing off some characters...Like a certian person...
Yeah typos. Thank you.