Young Writers Society

silver paper
reflections
barely there
images of lips, of eyes
bright blue eyes
they must be mine
silver paper
reflects me
but there is
something
running down my face
falling from my lashes
painting watery gray lines
that shimmer on my pale skin
running like
I
am
melting snow.

Hi BB

Well know...I'm actually not sure at all how I feel about this. At first glance, I didn't like the spacing here. But it's sort of growing on me. Like a fungus. No, not like a fungus. ANYWHO...

I think that I don't love your first bit as much.

silver paper
reflections
barely there
images
of lips
of eyes
bright blue eyes
they must be mine
silver paper

I guess it just feels a little too spaced out, a little choppy. Like you're using these spaces to make not much actual writing into a poem. I personally would prefer a little more bulk, some literary device, something. If you were to take the spaces out of this, there wouldn't be much left. It's like expecting a chunk of cheese and getting a cheese-puff.

HOWEVER, I really, really, REALLY like the latter part of your poem.

but there is
something
running down my face
falling from my lashes
painting watery gray lines
that shimmer on my pale face
running like
I
am
melting snow.

I love the imagery in this section. I especially like the line "painting water gray lines/ that shimmer" (no pun intended ). The only thing: you use "face" twice and it's not an especially great word. Can you find a more interesting synonym.

I love the way you ended this. It is unusual, I have not read it before, and I totally understand what you mean. I don't think that your really need the space between the "I" and the "am". It would read better without. But I love the imagery.

Hope this review helps!

sarebear

Belarusbirdy,

I also love the images in this. I'm not too crazy about the line breaks, but I agree that once it gets to the end it becomes more effective because the structure begins to work with the image. Structure is very important in poetry because it works with the poem to create an experience. So, when I got to the end of the poem about the tears and the melting snow, because of the line break - I actually felt as though I were melting. I felt the tears falling down the face. It all works together brilliantly - so great execution.

The first part, like sarebear mentioned reads a bit choppy and I thought some of the lines were superfluous. I am going to rip this apart because I have high hopes for this, so I apologize beforehand. But here's a suggestion:

silver paper reflects images
barely there
my lips, bright blue eyes
and
something
running down my face
falling from my lashes
painting watery gray lines
that shimmer on my pale face
running like
I
am
melting snow.

Again, it is just a suggestion. Always look at your last word when you are breaking your lines and make sure that the word itself is a strong one.

That's all for my crits. Please keep writing, I really enjoyed this poem because you gave me an experience and ultimately, isn't that what poetry is all about? Let me know if you have any questions.

~ as always, Audy

Hello, Belarus! Rose here!

I absolutely adore this piece. I'm a fan of poetry that feels a bit muddled and broken; that's how my mind works. Personally, I feel that you've done an awesome job of creating a wonderful piece of 'muddled' poetry here.

I
am
melting snow.

This is my favorite part. It's just...beautiful. I have nothing bad to say about it.

The only suggestion I have for you when it comes to writing future pieces is to make sure that your writing doesn't go over the line and get too muddled. Also, I would consider using words that are perhaps a little bit more unique than the ones in this poem. As much as I liked this, I do wish that there would've been just a couple of rarely used words in here.

Great work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

I like this poem! My only critic would be that maybe you could put "I" and "Am" on the same line. Other than that, it's perfect!
-Tally-wa