Young Writers Society

She has eyes never seen before
Deep navy blue that everyone will adore
Her pale light skin ever so smooth and soft
Can attract the angels who would have thought..
Her flaming crimson hair
Cascading onto her shoulders that are ever so fair..
This beauty has captured my heart
Worthy for her i am not..

tell me what u think of it.. i kinda made it up as i went along

HEY!

Making it up as you go along is a good basis for just make a poem basis, it needs to built on.

It is very under-punctuated. and i'm taking breathes where I haven't been told to, i'd add some of that first.

Then I'd have a look at what you're actually saying as parts don't make sence, it feels like you've just put words there for the sake of it and it doesn't really suit it.

Short poems are extremely hard to pull off regardless so I'd try tp add a couple of stanza's to bulk it out a bit.

You have some good description in places, but next to no emotion which is a dire shame, so i'd add some of that to be honest.

I did like where you were going with this though however, but you could tell that from the title, which is very basic.

I'm sorry I haven't said anything majorly good but I did like it, It just could be better :/

PM me for anything and keep writing!

~Retro Disco666

I'm kinda new to all this poem writing and story writing but i joined this community to develop my writing skills so Thanks for the feedback I'll defiantly try harder next time.

liquiddeath wrote:She has eyes never seen before;
deep navy blue that everyone will adore.
Her pale light skin ever so smooth and soft,
can attract the angels, who would have thought...
Her flaming crimson hair,
cascading onto her shoulders that are ever so fair;
this beauty has captured my heart.
Worthy for her, I am not...

tell me what u think of it.. i kinda made it up as i went along

I think the punctuation I made is close to what is right... I'm no punctuation expert but that's more correct than what you had, XDDDD

I'm picturing something between the ocean and the sun... You mentioned deep navy blue, then crimson hair. Just to say, I don't think blue eyes go to well with red hair! Red and blue, BAD combination XD. Just my opinion... I'm not exactly an appearance freak, far, far, far from it, but I don't like colours not matching XD. Like, pink and yellow... ugh. It's just a no. Red and blue is like Superman, anyway o.o. Blech. Supperman ;o. Bad colours on him, they be.

...So, yeah, that's why I don't like the mix of navy blue eyes and red hair. But if you don't think on that, it's all good! >.<

Really, the poem was good, to me, and the rhymes were as well. Just my opinion, though ;o. It was really brief and I think it had a good ending. Though I bet that if someone adored a woman so much for the beauty, they would be able to explain it all in great detail and rhyme with the poem being long XDDDD. But still, I like the shortness of it XD

Wow thanks man this will really help me out, I'll try to use better colour combinations next time. As i said before I'm kinda a newbie right now but I'll get better in no time thanks to the reviews i'm getting XD

Hiya, and welcome to the site. I'm Tori, and I'll give you a quick review. Also, just so you know, please try to avoid chatspeak on the site. As we're a writing site, we try to use proper grammar at all times.

She has eyes never seen before

Okay, this line is interesting. Never seen before makes them sound very innocent- one almost think's your talking about a baby. Be careful here. You don't want to give your readers the wrong idea. Also, you're going to have to choose to either punctuate normally or do it freeverse, without any punctuation at all. You currently have a combination of the two.

Deep navy blue that everyone will adore

This is a lovely description, especially the colour. Mentioning navy blue gives the whole poem a darker, deeper feel. However, randomly saying that everyone will adore them again makes it sound like you're talking about a new baby... careful there.

Her pale light skin ever so smooth and soft

Nothing wrong with this line, but babies have very soft skin. Therefore, you're not really helping yourself out here.

Can attract the angels who would have thought..

This line makes no sense. If you were to say this line to somebody in everyday conversation, would they understand what you were saying? Probably not. What do you mean? Is she angelic in her beauty? And then you say: "Who would have thought". Are you asking a question, like "Who would have thought?" and therefore indicating that the girl has a typically callous persona, but is really very attractive? Or are you say that the angels would have thought: insert rest of poem here. Or were you just saying random words? Because it's currently unclear and confusing. Make sure you choose your punctuation, and I would rewrite this line. It also breaks off the rhyme scheme. "thought" really does not rhyme with "soft" at all, not even as a slant.

Her flaming crimson hair

Lovely imagery, but it totally throws off the reader. Babies don't have hair... so now your previous lines sound a little weird- or you yourself sound a tad like a pedophile talking about a very hairy newborn.

Cascading onto her shoulders that are ever so fair..

Hm, yes, you really aren't making yourself sound any less like a pedo here. I suggest doing some rewriting so it doesn't sound odd. Also, punctuation, mate. Choose to either have it or not have it. You also have an incorrect number of periods here. Either do one, or group them in threes (...) if you're trailing off or indicating that there is more to be said.

This beauty has captured my heart

And this line pretty much assures the reader that you're either a pedo or just not terrific at describing women. If this a love poem, then you'll need to fix up the beginning a bit so readers don't get the wrong impression.

Worthy for her i am not..

Gah! Punctuation! Period numbers! Choose! And this line is awkwardly worded. I suggest rephrasing it. It also doesn't rhyme with any other line and kind of throw your poem off.


So! Overall, not a bad poem. It has potential. However, your wording makes the entire thing a bit odd-sounding, and you have some punctuation problems. I suggest you do some editing. It currently is a nice start, but sounds like something you just threw together- which you admitted you did. This is fine! However, if you want it to sound professional, it will need some work. Also, make sure to keep your rhyme scheme consistent. That'll make it wound much better. Overall, lovely job. You have some real talent, keep working on it.

Again, welcome to YWS. Keep writing!

-Tori

(And I just so happen to be a redhead with blue eyes. Don't change a thing with your colour combinations. )

Deep. I love it!

Friggin awsome poem. I like happy poems. This one is about beauty and how you marvole something. Very nice world choice. You are added to my fallow list.

Wow this poem is really cute.

She has eyes never seen before This line does justice to represent the character's innocence. Someone said in the review that it sounded like you were talking about a child but that isn't what I got from it, just because it wouldn't fit with some of the other lines.
Deep navy blue that everyone will adore This line doesn't flow entirely. I'd try something along the lines of, 'Deep navy blue that they'll adore.' the fact that you put "that" before everyone throws the rhythm off. Everyone doesn't work.
Her pale light skin ever so smooth and soft
Can attract the angels who would have thought..
Her flaming crimson hair GINGERS! YES!
Cascading onto her shoulders that are ever so fair.. Again, the flow is off. Try, 'Cascading down her shoulders, ever so fair'
This beauty has captured my heart
Worthy for her i am not. Beautiful line

This was a lovely poem. It sounds t me that you are talking about a lover or perhaps someone you are admiring from a distance. I don't think it sounded like a child except for in the first line, but that could be portrayed as innocence. This was a very cute poem but the fact that you added the crison hair part made me scream! I'm a redhead so I must respect this. Keep it up and PM me for anything!

She has eyes never seen before,
deep navy blue that everyone will adore.
Her pale light skin ever so smooth and soft,
it can attract the angels who would have thought.. Who would have thought??? What? What would they have thought? It's a little awkward leaving off there.
Her flaming crimson hair,
cascading onto her shoulders that are ever so fair..
This beauty has captured my heart
worthy for her I am not..

Were you trying to rhyme in this poem? Because if you were, sadly, it didn't' really rhyme. Well written otherwise though, I like it. The words are like a net being woven which captures you. It's sweet

Keep writing,
Alzora

Making up poems as you go along is a good way to start a poem as you have a fresh idea in your head. However, after you've scribbled it down, try to build on it more so your poem can be of high standards. This is a very descriptive poem hoever I feel that you could of added some punctuation here and there, such as....

She has eyes never seen before
Deep navy blue that everyone will adore
Her pale light skin; smooth and soft
Can attract the angels, who would have thought..
Her flaming crimson hair
Cascading onto her shoulders that are ever so fair..
This beauty has captured my heart,
Worthy for her I am not..

It also seems as if you've tried to rhyme here and there, but unfortunatly, no offence, but you have failed, if you can't rhyme consistently, stay away from it all together.

Overall, it is a ver good poem however a few tweaks here and there can make a massive difference!

Keep typing!

Hi liqqy!

I really liked this short nice poem...

It described how someone looks and you really described it nicely... I only have one little problem with this:

liquiddeath wrote:Worthy for her i am not..

I think this line kind of stands out and ruins the wonderful flow you had going on there. Maybe you could alter it a bit so it means the same thing but is said a bit differently? I always find the ending of something very important.

Deanie x

Liquiddeath,

It's a cute little poem for something you quickly made up.

The rhyme scheme was pretty soft. I mean, the flow wasn't bad, but the word-choice and the descriptions are pretty common-place and cliché. I understand the rhyming makes describing people somewhat limiting, which is why I'd rather you experiment more without implementing rhyme. Be creative! Come up with some interesting images.

That being said, I am actually interested in the speaker more than the girl who is the subject of this poem. xD I want to know why the speaker thinks he is so unworthy. These complicated emotions go much deeper, and to me are much more intriguing than how beautiful this woman is.

~ as always, Audy