Young Writers Society

I’ve been abandoned
And beaten
And this life.
I’m treatin’

Everything like it’s a joke.
Being serious hurts.
I’d much rather play around,
Liftin’ up girls skirts

Pain catches up,
When you stick to the past.
It’s like running a race
And finishing last.

You want to hand off the baton,
Rid yourself of the pain.
But you’re stuck outside,
In the cold wet rain.

I don’t need to play around.
I don’t need your respect.
This feels so serious,
Like a blade to my neck.

I’ve tried to face you beast
But time and time again,
I seem to grow weaker
The more you win.

The weight of the world
Seems all on me
And it seems like no one else
Really can see.

All the pain that I hide.
How the little things hurt.
Because I’m tired of liftin up
Pretty girls’ skirts.

I don’t want to face it.
I need internal peace.
Hey pain in my heart, what’s up?
Your lease.

It’s time for you to go.
For me to feel glee.
Time for me to go out,
And make history.

Mornin’, FM13.

I won’t take long since it’s the middle of the night (though it’s a.m., so I’ll call it morning all the same), and I’m up to my ears in business. I’ll start by being very contradictory to myself!

H’okay. So this is, no matter how sharp my later critiques will be, a decent poem. It’s a decent poem because it conveys an emotion to the reader, because it brings me into your head as a poet and lets me understand your angst and youthful wanderlust a bit better. And all that’s well and good, and it’s the basis of poetry, but beyond that surface—above the core of the poem, it’s not all that great by professional standards.

Now, you’ve made your opinion clear elsewhere—you wish for a place where you can safety-box up your emotions and leave it in a poem or a story and get comments on it. So in reviewing this, I want to do both.

So let’s talk the emotion that comes through. I understand the pain in stanza one, the building angst in stanza two, and then comes the desire to break away from that pain and bury it in things that most guys/girls would look to—jokes and sex. And, honestly, that’s understandable. So by stanza three you’ve established this need for escapism, which is, as the name gives away, the habit of using things in life to block out pain or stress. And I’m all about some escapism. In stanza four, the reader gets hit with this life lesson that you can’t outrun your problems. You can’t get rid of them, but you can ease the pain by vocalizing it—and when people try to shut you up, you’d rather shut them up first. It’s understandable, and I think fairly universal; however, it’s also something that vanishes with age.

Stanzas one and two will always be factual. But the desire in stanza three and the rebellion in stanza four? They’ll vanish in a few years. Also, as far as kissing your ass, I’d rather not. But thanks all the same!

Now, for the part that actually deals with the poem and not the meaning.

You lack punctuation to spread your thoughts into legible segments, you lack a smooth flow for poetic beauty, and you use colloquialisms and a vulgarity or two to beat out your ideas, and it just doesn’t work for me. I’m sure it’ll be fine for others, but by higher standards, it needs work.

Your first lines—“Nobody knows all of the horrors that I’ve seen”—is horribly cliché, and the image of a death scythe isn’t exactly fresh, either. And honestly, the first sparsely original image comes in stanza three with your lifting of girls’ skirts. It’s the only part that really gives original personality to the piece, and I think it’s off-balance with the rest.

So take some breaths. Put this poem in a word document and edit it a bit. Give it some love, some time. And see what you can do to better yourself as a poet.

Let me know if you need anything or have any questions,

-Lumi

Good day, Mr. Fullmetal. I wonder if you are really made up of metal. Getting back, I like your poem. But that doesn't mean I didn't see any flaw.

First, about these verses:

Nobody knows
All of the horrors that I’ve seen

Grammar is usually interchanged in poetry, called conventions, to put more emotion into work. The second verse is quite different though. I would like it better if you add a word to exemplify that nobody know the horrors, something like this:

Nobody knows
of the horrors I've seen

I think it has a bit more emotion. Using "about" works too, but it becomes too literal.

Another are these verses:

I felt the scythe of death
And seen my blood gleam

In grammatical retrospect, it should be:

And saw my blood gleam

Because your first verb, felt, is in past tense. To retain subject-verb agreement, it should be saw. You can also use seen, but it should have have to denote it's in past participle.

Moreover:

Code: Select all

Everything like it’s a joke

I didn't understand it at first, but after continuous reading, I did. I think it's hard to understand because of your structure.
Take a look at this:

Everything, like a joke

or

Everything is like a joke

These exemplify more of what your verse tries to.

So that's all. I liked how brave you are in this work because you put things that are a bit offensive but are truly real. It tells so much about yourself and how you want to lead your life. I think it reflects the beauty of violence through the ways of pain and torture. And we're both boys, so I think I understand .

Lastly, I would like to remind you that what are written above are just my opinions and thoughts that I want you to know. I'm not the best writer (I have a lot of works but they're all unfinished, that's why I don't have much posted here!), but I'm very finicky with grammar. So I wish these would help.

Thanks for giving me a good read,
Al

Wow, Mr. Full, I think you did a very good job. Kudos to you. I really liked the new things that you added. And, in my opinion, it really fits the poem and made it more clearer.

Just one thing...

Like a blade to my neck

I think it should be in, on, into, onto or any other preposition for it to be clearer. It's a simile, if I am correct. Your trying to compare the pain to this "blade" you speak of. So you should replace "to".

Although, if you mean the blade is going forth you neck, the quote above is wrong. Here's the flaw: you should add something that will make your comparison fit in present form so you can compare it to the direction of the movement of the blade.

That's all! I think this renewal is much better.

Your new friend,
Al