Young Writers Society

Prelude (Taken from the Book of Ages: Necronomicon)
Ne'er play the Devil's game
for all choice, you end the same
Only oneth way to go: to die
And so I warneth all, don't look at the eye.


You’re here
And I am too
Yes, I am here with you
You thought I wouldn’t find you?
You thought I can’t see you?
You thought you can hide from me?
Your brain needs some fixing,
My dear

Wherever you go, wherever you are,
I will be there with you. In the shadows
Of the alleys you walk in
In the light from the leaves
Of the trees you slept beside on
In the waters
Of the flood you swam in
My eyes watched you
Everything you did, I know

Now that I revealed myself to you
Now that you know,
Give me your soul
For me to let you go

Come on; sheathe that knife onto your arm
Let all the blood pour down
I will drink it, slowly lick it and sip it
Luscious and thick
Just like how I love it
I’m here; you thought I wouldn’t find you?
Let me drink your blood, for your soul to be mine

You thought I can’t see you from where you hide?
Well then I do!
And it didn’t take one bite off my hand
To chase your scent
I saw you, dear
And now, no more games from you
For I will play a simple game for you

Give me your soul,
Splice your vein, let it pour
And once I lick the last figment of your essence
I’ll let you go
Just be careful to where you walk,
To where you run
I cannot assure you, though
It seems the flames of hell can singe you
Burn you a bit
Burn you to death
The second time around,
At least you won’t feel the pain

Or,
I won’t take your soul,
But I will take your body
Your temple of life and drear
And I shall burn it in the finest of wood,
I shall plunge thirteen daggers on your back,
Until all of the red ooze out,
I shall tear you, limb-by-limb,
One arm and a foot for Hound
Another arm and a head for Beelzebub
A neck for the vampires
And a foot for the snake in the tree
I will never let you go, but you will live
For one sole reason,
To die

Now, that I’ve found you,
That you’re here,
Choose, choose, choose
One only, my dear,
That’s what time can give us,
Only one
Choose quick, and choose well
Again, time can only give us a moment
The noose around your neck might strangle you,
The stakes below might wound you,
You might never have another chance to play

Three choices:
Live and die
Live to die
Die to live
Be ready to lose my game,
The devil’s game

I loved the poem in general. The colors didn't make much sense to me but maybe you had a point to them, my favorite part was the red in the last stanza

Live and die
Live to die
Die to live

I love the poem, keep up the good work.

Very interesting poem I must say. Allow me to share with you what I thought of its concept and the way you wrote it.
“You’re here
And I am too
Yes, I am here with you
You thought I wouldn’t find you?
You thought I can’t see you?
You thought you can hide from me?
Your brain needs some fixing,
My dear”
This first stanza is both diabolically terrifying and comical at the same time. I like the way you portray the devil as omnipotent and inescapable and, his victim a fool. Which is rather true, evil is everywhere.

“Wherever you go, wherever you are,
I will be there with you. In the shadows
Of the alleys you walk in
In the light from the leaves
Of the trees you slept beside on
In the waters
Of the flood you swam in
My eyes watched you
Everything you did, I know”
This stanza, if taken seriously too heart by many, would spawn an uprising of paranoia beyond describing. It has a sort of spooky feeling to it too, which is quite effective in drawing your reader in and captivating him/her. Some might find this repulsive but, that doesn’t matter. People that sensitive are rare.

“Now that I revealed myself to you
Now that you know,
Give me your soul
For me to let you go”
The sole concept behind this stanza (and I say this in wanting to be constructive) is rather cliché. In almost all novels and movies where the devil is involved, he seeks out souls. It’s always about souls. You should consider changing that to something else, something like talent. (Just a thought)

“Come on; sheathe that knife onto your arm
Let all the blood pour down
I will drink it, slowly lick it and sip it
Luscious and thick”
Okay, this stanza robs the devil of all his preternatural wisdom and class, and makes him sound and look like a cheesy vampire. Perhaps you should consider a different method for the devil to use in claiming that soul.

“Just like how I love it
I’m here; you thought I wouldn’t find you?
Let me drink your blood, for your soul to be mine”
Yet again. Cheesy vampire. Not devil.

“You thought I can’t see you from where you hide?
Well then I do!
And it didn’t take one bite off my hand
To chase your scent
I saw you, dear
And now, no more games from you
For I will play a simple game for you”
You’ve made it very clear in the first few parts of the poem that the devil is everywhere and can see everything, everyone. There is no need for repetition really. Unless off course your readers are extremely forgetful and need to be constantly reminded of your all seeing, all knowing devil. Once again, vampires and werewolves follow ‘scents’. I highly doubt a fallen angel who once basked in infinite glory would track down a victim using such a primitive system.

“Give me your soul,
Splice your vein, let it pour
And once I lick the last figment of your essence
I’ll let you go
Just be careful to where you walk,
To where you run
I cannot assure you, though
It seems the flames of hell can singe you
Burn you a bit
Burn you to death
The second time around,
At least you won’t feel the pain”
The latter part of this stanza didn’t exactly made sense to me, although it would’ve made sense if you explained it more. How can someone be burnt to death twice? ‘a second time around as you said.

“Or,
I won’t take your soul,
But I will take your body
Your temple of life and drear
And I shall burn it in the finest of wood,
I shall plunge thirteen daggers on your back,
Until all of the red ooze out,
I shall tear you, limb-by-limb,
One arm and a foot for Hound
Another arm and a head for Beelzebub
A neck for the vampires
And a foot for the snake in the tree
I will never let you go, but you will live
For one sole reason,
To die”
I liked this stanza a lot, given that it was extremely graphic and somewhat deep. It came across as well thought out, as you made a list of fiendish receivers. Everybody lives to die, this fact eats away on the latter part of this stanza. It still remains scary though, I mean, no one wants to die and no one has a choice.

“Now, that I’ve found you,
That you’re here,
Choose, choose, choose
One only, my dear,
That’s what time can give us,
Only one
Choose quick, and choose well
Again, time can only give us a moment
The noose around your neck might strangle you,
The stakes below might wound you,
You might never have another chance to play”
The options weren’t made clear in this stanza. Your repetition of the word choose had my eyes searching for the options but, to no avail. Throughout the poem you made death by the devils hand sound so inevitable and inexorable, so, why the choice suddenly?

“Three choices:
Live and die
Live to die
Die to live
Be ready to lose my game,
The devil’s game”
Wow...that’s quite amusing in its depth. Do those even qualify as options? I guess that’s the entire point eh.
I really enjoyed the poem to be entirely honest. I liked your play on the colours of different words, you rarely see that in most works. It’s unique. The concept was brilliant. I get it. The devils game is inescapable if you’re foolish enough to play it.
Please do keep writing.
//Abyss.

Hello you! Here comes a visit from the Demoness!

Genereally I thought this was an intriguing and quite entertaining poem. I enjoy the playing with death - theme, it's my kind of fun

I did find that it was a little dull when it came to the word-formation though. This would be so much more interesting to read if you varied your words and spiced your stanzas up with more adjectives, imagery and painted more vivid pictures. This is a typical "Tell"-poem where you just plainly put the words out there when what you should try to do is "SHOW" us what's happening.

Also, you should follow the advice given about your punctuation since it was a bit poor at places with just a few commas.

Well, that was my complaints. Now to the positive parts!
1. I love that you played with your text by using bold letters, big letters, colored words - and so on. It's creative and I think it added something extra to this piece!
2. As mentioned - I like the theme! It's not very unique but I never tire of it, plus - you did tell it in your own way and I liek that it wasn't very cliché
3. The message - no matter that it might be a depressing one - that death can take you anytime and that playing with it never ends well for anyone!

So, my advice - SPICE IT UP! You have a lovely beginning but it could be even better if you blew some life into it!

I will give this piece 3½/5 icky, sticky spiders and I'll throw in an extra crispy leg for the sake of playing around with your text adding bloody reds and foresty greens.

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Thank you everyone for commenting on my post! I really appreciate it! It's great to see people liking another's poem!