Young Writers Society

Once you were a mother, today you still are.
Just not the same, you're distant and far.
You used to care, or act like you did.
Now all you worry about is the cold bottle in the fridge.
That liquid that soothes you, and speaks to your soul.
Takes you away, and makes you feel whole.
Little do you know, it's ruining your body.
Ruining your family and becoming your hobby.
I as a daughter, worry for you.
That you'll ruin your life, and ruin mine too.
I know you're a mom, and can do what you want, but please remember when you and dad fought.
How he'd hurt you and yell, and teach you a lesson.
You'd cry and promise you'd never be put in submission.
You would never touch the bottle, you'd never make me cry.
But mommy, all I ask that you'd look into my eyes.
That you're little baby, has been put in your shoes.
That I'm being hurt, like you were once too.
That when you touch the bottle, it's like touching the devil.
Being put into hell, and turning to evil.
Mommy, oh mommy, I pray that you stop.
I know that you don't want to but it's all that I want.
I want my old mommy back, the one that doesn't hurt me.
The one that will love me and always be there for me.
Mommy, please don't do it again.
I'm afraid for my life if that bottles your friend.

I, as a daughter, worry for you.

I know you're a mom, and can do what you want, (I added a break here)
but please remember when you and dad fought.

I know that you don't want to but it's all that I want.

You use "want" twice in this line and it's a bit repetitive. I advise changing it but it's not essential, just a thought.

The one that will love me and always be there (I took out "for me" that was here. You didn't need it and it sort of just repeated the above line).

I'm afraid for my life if that bottle's your friend.

Hey there, Hayley.

So, this was actually a pretty good poem. Although it flowed pretty well and it was a very good subject (with a nice amount of support) your rhyming started to be a bit off after the line:

I know you're a mom, and can do what you want, but please remember when you and dad fought.

Also, I think you should add some imagery, it would make it seem even more real and overall, better.

Other than that I found everything fine except for the bits I marked in purple. Those are parts I either added or subtracted from and you should compare that/those line(s) with the one(s) in your poem to see what's different.

So, nice job!

Keep writing,
Justagirl

Eek, alcohol abuse.

I don't know if you are writing this to show your mother, or if you are simply creating a scenario. I hope it's the latter, but it might be the former. In any case, if you are writing this to your mother, consider writing about the past, before she was a terrible mother, so you can remind her what it was like... and thank her for it. This will touch her more than yelling at her about how terrible she is as a mother... even if it's a subtle format. The reminder that she's become terrible mother would just cause despair. But, the other might cause hope. So, don't be afraid to do this.

I hope everything gets better! *snugs* If you want to talk, feel free to PM me, okay?