Young Writers Society

Forget this life, and come with me.
Sweet sparkling grey, waters of Spring.
They want you there, so watch them grow.
No one's there to stop you from living.
Call the planets, watch wondrous starlight.
This world is ours, and a girl loves you.
So sweetly eternal. Grow old with her.
See her tonight and laugh, smile, feel.
Your time has come to live, for a while.
Immortal, for now. Don't be afraid.
Watch the clouds. Feel the wind. See the pretty flowers.
We want you to live. This world needs you.

I don't find that this poem flows very well. I couldn't find a beat to go with the poem as I read. But then again, I might be biased because I love beats in poems and reading along to beats. For me, beats are important to poems. And this would have flowed much better if there was a certain beat.

I don't know if you intend to rhyme in this poem but if you did, it didn't work out well either. The first stanza has a rhyme in the second and fourth lines. Yet they don't exactly go together very nicely. I think it has to do with the lack of beat you have.

In the second stanza, the words 'you' and 'feel' could rhyme. But because of the lack of beat in the poem, they do not go well together either. The last stanza has no rhyme. So this is why I am confused with if there is a rhyme scheme or not. If you did not intend to rhyme in this poem, then feel free to ignore all this.

I think the reason that I think there should be a beat and possibly a certain rhyme scheme is because of the way you have formatted this poem. There are three stanzas and four quite even lines in each. Usually, poems formatted like this would have a rhyming scheme and a nice beat to go along with it.

I think this poem is more free verse. And therefore, the reading would be much more flowing if the poem was not formatted like this. If it didn't have perfectly lined stanzas like this. Anyway, this is just my opinion on it. Take what you will if you wish. Good luck.

Emmzziee,

To go along with what ghostie mentioned, yes the rhythm and flow of the poem is off, mostly the issue here has to do with punctuation errors.

Forget this life, no comma needed and come with me.
Sweetcomma here sparklingcomma here grey, no comma waters of Spring.
They want you there, so watch them grow.
No one's there to stop you from living.

Okay, so I've gone ahead and corrected the first stanza. The entire poem's punctuation is completely off, but you can check out this lovely guide if you need more help.

I do like some of the images in this poem, and I thought the concept was cute, however I was a bit confused with the pronouns here. Who is the speaker? Who is "you"? And who is "they"? I thought the "you" referred to water, but it was never quite clear. Actually, it feels as though this piece could be longer, and maybe needs some more elaboration?

Ultimately, it is your call. I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions.

~ as always, Audy

Ah.
Okay.
Thank you for all of your suggestions.
This was the first poem that I've ever written in this sort of format, and is also the very first poem that I've actually kind of liked when it was finished. I needed to write this, as it's based on a lot of complicated thoughts and ideas that were in my head at the time of when I wrote it. I guess that might be why you guys found it hard to understand.
I was working with doing nine syllables per line. I kind of figured that that would equate to a certain rhythm. So, I guess that doesn't work Ghostie, I took your advice and got rid of the stanzas completely.
Thank ya'll again for the reviews
Emmzziee