Young Writers Society

I know it's shaky and I still need to work on it, but I would like some input. Please and thankyou.

At the moment of your birth
Your death warrant was signed
The date boldly printed
On an invisible line.
Though the witness reads clear,
Behind it lay a voice
That you will one day hear.

"You're dead now," He explains
Pointing one finger into his claim.

"I must make room for more,
There are new babies to be born."

"But I'm not done with life," is your reply.
"I am not at all ready to die."

"I don't care," He'll sternly say.
"It's my choice, life goes my way."

Suddenly, he'll snatch your wrist
And give it a hard, painful twist.

"But shouldn't I have a say as it's my own?"
You ask, "like when to come and when to go?"

He looks at you from deep with in,
His strength is great, yet His build is thin.

His lips curl upward, he breathes in deep.
You look away. You try not to weep.

"You are a man, a shameful race.
My greatest work? Ha! What a disgrace!?

"You have your stories, and take them for truth
And you're selfish and greedy, all of you!

"I gave you that mind to help others along
But all you've done is proven me wrong!

"You think you're loved and honored by me?
Well I have news for you- you'll never be!"

You hang you're head. You silently cry.
And let go of a beautiful lie.

"They said you were caring," you say.
"They said you loved all, and always forgave."

He tugs your arm, starting to laugh.
"No," he says, "I feel nothing but wrath.

"Understand, a human does not matter to me
I am God, and you are not free."

Then he pulls you past the gate,
Away from earth, and forever astray.

Before anything, I don't really agree with this. I think God is loving and caring, and yes, He can choose our death and birth, but it's not selfishness, it's part of His huge plan. Anyway, on to reviewing. I'll just add my comments to your poem in a different color since it's pretty long and if I don't I'll forget what I was going to say.

At the moment of your birth
Your death warrant was signed
The date boldly printed
On an invisible line.I really like your beginning here, it caught my attention and flowed well and rhymes but not in a repetitive annoying way.
Though the witness reads clear,
Behind it lay a voiceLays a voice.
That you will one day hear.

"You're dead now," He explains
Pointing one finger into his claim. I didn't like this line much, but I don't have suggestions of how to change it. Sorry.

"I must make room for more,
There are new babies to be born."

"But I'm not done with life," is your reply.
"I am not at all ready to die."this line doesn't flow right, see if you can add some words or take out to make it sound less choppy.

"I don't care," He'll sternly say.
"It's my choice, life goes my way."

Suddenly, he'll snatch your wrist
And give it a hard, painful twist.I think hard and painful would fit better here.

"But shouldn't I have a say as it's my own?"
You ask, "like when to come and when to go?"the like makes this sound pretty informal and chill, is that on purpose?

He looks at you from deep with in,within is one word.
His strength is great, yet His build is thin.

His lips curl upward, he breathes in deep.I think it would flow better if you said up instead of upward.
You look away. You try not to weep.look away, try not to weep. But that is just my opinion. None of these comments need to be followed, it's your poem after all.

"You are a man, a shameful race.
My greatest work? Ha! What a disgrace!? I think you should take out a.

"You have your stories, and take them for truth
And you're selfish and greedy, all of you!I like how you don't force it to rhyme, you let words like truth and you stay in order to keep the story of your poem.

"I gave you that mind to help others along
But all you've done is proven me wrong!

"You think you're loved and honored by me?
Well I have news for you- you'll never be!"I would take out "for you"

You hang you're head. You silently cry.
And let go of a beautiful lie.and you let go?

"They said you were caring," you say.
"They said you loved all, and always forgave."

He tugs your arm, starting to laugh.
"No," he says, "I feel nothing but wrath.

"Understand, a human does not matter to me
I am God, and you are not free."I don't like this line.

Then he pulls you past the gate,
Away from earth, and forever astray.

Ok, so, overall it was good. Just check the flow of the lines and the rhythm of the poem. Otherwise, hope this was helpful.

Not quite heaven now, is it?

Okay, so first of all, you had a bunch of typos. So take another look at your poem! Next... uh... the first stanza and the rest of the poem don't go along with each other. You might consider either adding a transition or deleting the stanza.

Anyway, I have a couple of questions!

1 Why does God want to create more people if humans do not matter to Him at all?

2. Why does God even care about human selfishness if humans do not matter to Him at all?

3. Why does God even personally come to this person at all if He did not care?

I don't know... this poem seems to contradict itself at every possble turn. I realize the dialogue happens to serve as a contrasting picture of what God actually is, and to show that He is in fact a cruel God. But at the same time it is a bit confusing.

If humans were really nothing to God, then wouldn't we be little more than ants to Him? I mean, you wouldn't obviously talk to the ant, let alone have a conversation withthe ant. That is necessary for this poem to exist. So I don't mind having a dialogue. But why would God be so persistant about justify Himself? Isn't the last argument where He says that He is God good enough? Wouldn't it be cooler for God to just say, "What made you think I even cared?" and only that?

I mean, if you want to give God a contradictory nature then that's fine, but realize what you are saying. By God talking as He is, He is saying that He does care, even though He might not explicitly say so. He just isn't meciful about it!

Hope this helps!