Young Writers Society

Let’s play a game.
He palmed my small back into a stoop,
and we disappeared into the tent.
Daddy had set it up with me that morning.

He lay down and un-tucked his shirt.
Now, this is a very special game, and you
are the most important player! I am a robot,
and my parts need oiling, will you fix me?
The skin around my mouth creased as I smiled.
I love robots.

He dipped my pink hands into his metal
crotch, unfolded his wires and released his
gears.
Hand on my head, pressed down to where the
problem was. My tongue lolled and rolled in the appropriate places,
wetting the parts
that he said needed oiling the most.

With a rusty ‘pop’ of air, and a cold shiver,
the game was over. A slither of thick silver liquid
lay dashed across his shirt, and my metal man
let his head thump to the floor.
He was fixed.

That night I sat in my fresh bed sheets, the taste
of iron welded to the roof of my mouth.
Goodnight Son.
Goodnight Dad.

WOW. i read this and i had to put my hand over my mouth.

He dipped my pink hands into his metal
crotch, unfolded his wires and released his
gears.

i thought that was very creative. it made my jaw drop.

Hand on my head, pressed down to where the
problem was. My tongue lolled and rolled in the appropriate places,
wetting the parts
that he said needed oiling the most.

i thought this was god. you saying what was being done in a way that wasn't inappropriate.

With a rusty ‘pop’ of air, and a cold shiver,
the game was over. A slither of thick silver liquid
lay dashed across his shirt, and my metal man
let his head thump to the floor.
He was fixed.

i read that and laughed.

That night I sat in my fresh bed sheets, the taste
of iron welded to the roof of my mouth.
Goodnight Son.
Goodnight Dad.

i read that and had my friend read this poem. the end totally threw me.

over all i liked your poem. it was quite creative. i like the way you described things. i thought it was inappropriately funny. keep up the writing!!

Well, if you're going for shock value, you certainly got it. Though, I'm not entirely sure what the point was with any of it, to be honest. Yes, you shock readers, but why? I'm left wondering at each choice - why the robot idea, why sex, why the idea of a father? Elements of this can work, but I'm not sure as a whole it works at all.

Now, it's entirely possible I'm simply missing something entirely, but as this stands, I'm left wondering, why?

Just on a syntax note - "He palmed my small back into a stoop," doesn't follow. You need an action in there to connect the placement of the hand to landing on a stoop - into just doesn't cut it for me.

On the rest. Your wording suggests a relationship of partners, with "my metal man." In addition, your first stanza suggests the idea of the father's house, but nothing to suggest they are the same, but that's how I'm reading those final two lines of the poem. Now, if you're dealing with a gay son who hasn't come out to his father, I think you need to make the distinction a bit more - the narrator's relationship to the metal man and the father is ambiguous due to your wording, and though I'm not sure what you were attempting to convey here, I don't think it's working as it stands. I think for the length you have too many metaphors running around mixing each other up, and you need to either cut them down a bit, trim them to size as it were, or clarify them.

Anyhoo, g'luck with this, and PM me if you have any questions!

The poem is based off real life events. I was told to edit the poem this way by my poetry lecturer, she said it worked better without all the 'explaining bits'. I agree with you to be honest, the poem does shock, but it's a 'so what' poem, what do you get from it? Nothing but the knowledge that this kid was sexually abused as a kid. I feel a little less stupid knowing someone else feels this way about the poem. I'll send you the original if you'd like?
Thanks for the comments by the way

When I say real life events, I mean literally, everything, the robot idea included, that's what he said to get me to do it. But I can see how that may be confusing for you.