Young Writers Society

I feel so new to this again - I haven't been writing much recently - please be nice ;D

Overdose

Swallowing down pills of eternal regret,
considering reaching out for Death's fingers
as the substance dissolves into my system,
as the life in me diffuses out of my lungs.

Let's damage your drinker's liver even more,
what does it matter anyway?
Drink away, dear friend - you won't see tomorrow;
drink away, drown in your bloody guilt.

The abhorrent ribbons around the present
pull away slowly, wrapping my throat;
I will soon only be part of the past,
I will soon only be history, unknown.

Hey Mikko,

I have to admit that my first reaction to this poem was a little shock - just because it read so truthfully.

I felt a sort of immense painful honestly reading this poem. Although it is a difficult subject, this poem was so, so true. No lies, pretence or melodrama. It tells it as it is, and I love this poem for it.

It just makes so much sense. And while I'm not going to pretend it's a happy poem - because it is definitely sad if truthful - and I'm sad to hear that it's autobiographical but not surprised because of the honesty of it. I hope you don't feel like this now, though. (hugs)

I've read lots of poems on this subject but few of them have been so real. While the rhythm of the poem isn't perfect, it's pretty steady, and supports the weight of the words it's composed of.

This entire thing holds a certain kind of sad, sick beauty - you've made something beautiful out of something terrible. I especially love the last stanza:

The packet, it spills,
but there are no longer pills;
my spirit is ready to leave
but, here still, I breathe.

In just four lines it perfectly sums up the feeling of having taken an overdose and prepared oneself to die, but to still find oneself breathing, still alive, still there.

I will soon only be part of the past,
I will soon only be history, unknown.

Again, these lines speak with such a painful honestly from the mind. (Although I'm not saying that they're true at all - just true to the narrator, or you, and I can tell that so clearly.)

To be honest, I can't find much to critique about this. I think the main reason for this was just because it shocked me reading this poem - the truthfullness of it shocked me. You've found the words to say what so many people can't.

It's also hard to find nitpicks in this, as it's pretty polished and quite a short piece.

The abhorrent ribbons around the present
pull away slowly, wrapping my throat;

My one and only nitpick is that I do wish the meaning of the lines above was a little clearer. The first line makes sense by itself, but I just don't feel like the "wrapping my throat" bit quite fits. I understand the general idea of it, but I think that could be replaced with something similar which fit in a little more with the lines/concepts around it.

Keep writing,

~MorningMist~

Hey I just wrote a very large reply to this piece and it didn't send properly and therefore was deleted Soooo, I'm going to summarise. Basically what I said was that all stanzas except the first were great with the second last being brilliant because of its metaphors and ability to allow the reader to figure out the meaning themselves. The first stanza i thought just lacked the brilliance of the rest of the poem, I thought the phrase "eternal regret" was a little cliche, while the "considering" at the start of the line made it disjointed and disrupted flow. I also thought

as the substance dissolves into my system,

is a bit obvious and simple- needs a little more wow factor. However I liked

as the life in me diffuses out of my lungs.

. I liked your diversions from the original format with the italicisation and last stanza placed in the middle. The italicised is great, especially with the "dear friend" which makes it personal and even friendly in a dark kind of way. Also the last stanza is nice and succinct although I like the fact that the one before it is more dramatic; it adds an unconventionality to the format of your poem. Overall it was shocking and dramatic- which is great to read! So well done -Rachel