Young Writers Society

Rain Soaked Stars of Existence
Why does blood pour from the innocent veins whilst the creatures feed from our infected cuts? The Skeleton trees in the park are bearing fruit to tempt us into their tricking arms, a grotesque game of wits, life or death, doesnt this just sound like a worn and withered clich'e? We are alone, living in Coffins, we hawl them around everyday, wondering when we'll need them, we rest in the womb of pain, lingering sorrow hanging like mist over our pounding heads...
Decapitated Time
In imigination you can trust every Screwed Up thought, locked away in the dark, soundless tombs of malicious mortality, to dwell and grow, to swell and reproduce, to break free off binding chains scorching flames to escape and consume your mind, when Screwed Up thoughts are sent into the void, the return is something you could never accept, even in the Madworld, Screwed Up thoughts are sent away forever, but they never really leave you, they push their way back, and poison that which is most dear to you, your soul...
Distorted Children
People change like the seasons, violent transformations warping the skin and bending the bones, turning you from the loveable Kid on the block, into the screw up who brought a Glock to school last Wensday, for a laugh...
Cursed affliction In the shadow of your Black Wings
The stairs are the first obsticale, haunting me with concrete lips that wait for my failure, my crippled body screams for mercy, but my stricken pride refuses to back down, I take one step, two steps, three steps, then I hear the footsteps of regret and guilt. Look up to see it's shallow rotting face, and hear the sweet voice stabbing my heart till the torn, brutalized muscle lies still, and the blood washes over everything. She smiles at me, and takes my hand, she guides me to the bottom of the stairs, and leaves me there, feeling the blood from my broken heart leak out my eyes, I cough, rasping, choking, I spit, and I vomit, trying to clear the blood from my lungs, I still die, I still lie, sprawled on cold, concrete floors, doomed to forever say no more, I feel nothing more, I just accept the inevitable thought, that I shall die, and no one will miss me, and my life was a pointless:painful misery...
REMAINS
In numbing glass,
The muse turns,
She haunts my face, with a smile that hurts,
In flying waves, my feet hurt, I’m brought to my knees, sink into the dirt,
Come take my knife, and carve me, break my life, like glass,
My head, is pulsing, behind my eyes, freezing,
The shades are mixing, blood in your hair, with rotting mascara, fell from the stairs,
It’s too late tonight, for death, all we need is a rest, put down the knife, you don’t understand,
We could build our City, under earth, for purity and clarity, a cherished commodity,
Reborn, we can wake now, from the last sleep, suicidal pictures hang suicidal memories,
By hands, burn that touch, remember the state, we found me in, the yang poisoned yin,
It’s war, the sunlight room, enough for two, good for you…
Bored on the steps to somewhere worse, how about a lazy stroll, the stream neatly falls,
Pins and needles, a sharp machine, look at the pretty blood, it’s everywhere; this is scary,
How about a fresh perspective?

Crazy
Four walls, sealed solice, keep watch, madness. Lights flicker, moths dither, evil slithers, rotted fingers. Black eyes hollow vision revision in the volcanic hate, you've seen the butcher how he handles the sythe, his job is death and to deliver good will, chains draw blood a bitter taste, on a sour face, in a violent place. Buried under piles,

She

Through walls of rose velvet, seen as though a dream, a voice, whisper, a song sung.
She finally smiles, a rising sun.
Much more do I ponder, over letters sent, I wonder if this is really true, or am I still in my dreams.
A broken man walking down the lonely road of life, a girl turns and sees him limp, and offers her shoulder to take his weight.
With a star exploding unto her kindness, sunshine smiling over her mercy.
Shining in the twilight sun, she heals my scars, cleansing.
Protect her though she doesnt need it, a soldier in a babe,.
A flower in her shining hair, life in all my dispear.
A song no one was meant to see, my feelings are blinding me.
It's the new chapter in this thing, a final bleak eulogy.
Put to rest, feeling stronger, lasting in the heat much longer.

I'm not entirely sure what this was supposed to be. If this is supposed to be multiple poems (I don't think it is though) I would suggest putting it in separate threads. If that is supposed to be a prose, then I would highly suggest you take another look at the formatting in order to make it more easily comprehensible for the reader.
If this is supposed to be a story of any kind, I would suggest moving it to short stories. Other than that, I can't figure out what this is exactly, and therefore I can't critique it, and neither can anyone else.
I'd love to talk to you more about this if you'd like, and love to hear your take on how exactly this is supposed to be read, and what it is. So hit me up with a PM if you'd like me to take a second look at it with a different mindset .

Oh Damn -.- it is actually meant to be a collection of story esque poems, their different I can tell you that.
It seems as if while copying them from their original folder on my computer, that my "neat unt tidy" style has been tampered with! Each one begins with it's own title, eg: Cursed Affliction in the shadow of your black wings, is a different piece from the previous one, I will probably re-post this piece and ensure that is is actually readable hahahahaha. Sorry about that.

You can use the Preview option whenever you go to post a piece to make sure that everything looks alright, and rather than reposting it, just use the Edit button. You can find it located in the top right corner of every post you make.

Next time, though, I suggest posting your pieces separately. As it stands, having so many pieces in one place is a bit overwhelming for your readers. Not only does it look very long for a poem post, it also gives your readers the impression that you want them to review all your poems at once, which is a bit too much for most people to consider.

Next time, I'd suggest posting each poem in its own thread, or grouping them together in sets of no more than three (short) poems at a time. It'll be much more manageable for your readers, and you'll be more likely to get more reviews.