Young Writers Society

READ THE SPOILER.


Your beauty is incomparable
Much like the sun,
The surroundings disappear, absorbed in the darkness
And you are blazing bright,
I can't look anywhere else.

What am I?
A girl with average everything,
average looks,
decreasing grades,
and somewhat witty.

But you,
have the deepest green eyes,
they are indescribable,
Your dark hair, long and silky
Just like the misleading hair commercials.
You are just perfect.

What do I have to offer you?
Nothing, is the answer.
The love I can give to you?
You deserve to get that from someone better.

But I can't help staring at you,
How can you have that much impact,
On a judgmental, sarcastic person like me?

I am trying to be someone,
Do something.
That when my feet no longer walk this earth,
My name would not vanish,
With the casual wind that breezes past.

So I'm begging you,
Don't hold yourself back,
Do everything,
I know you can,
Change the world for the better,
I believe in you.

While I'm looking for myself out there,
And you fall in love with someone else
He better be good to you
Because if he doesn't, I'll be there
I will always be waiting, arms and heart open.

And someday I will have the courage
To look at the person in the mirror,
And change her ways.

I liked that, yes.
Just one thing I'd mention, it could have been a bit more 'poetic', if you get what I mean. The meaning and the feeling in the poem was lovely and well expressed, but there could have been the use of few more metaphors and some rhyme, maybe.

With the casual wind that breezes past.

Here, for instance, instead of using "casual", you could have used something else, something more poetic.

He better good to you

A "be" seems to be missing out here.
Well, so that's what I felt. Poetry is difficult to judge, you can only say what you felt.
Lovely work. Keep writing.

Anwesha.

I really enjoyed this rant/poem even though it didn't fit the usual flow of poetry I still enjoyed it.

Your beauty is incomparable
Much like the sun,
The surroundings disappear, absorbed in the darkness
And you are blazing bright,
I can't look anywhere else.

What am I?
A girl with average everything,
average looks,
decreasing grades,
and somewhat witty.

But you,
have the deepest green eyes,
they are indescribable,
Your dark hair, long and silky
Just like those misleading hair commercials.
You are just perfect.

What do I have to offer you?
Nothing, is the answer.
The love I can give to you?
You deserve to get that from someone better. I liked this stanza.

But I can't help staring at you,
How can you have that much impact,
On a judgmental, sarcastic person like me?

I am trying to be someone,
Do something.
That when my feet no longer walk this earth,
My name would not vanish,
With the casual wind that breezes past. This is my favorite stanza

So I'm begging you,
Don't hold yourself back,
Do everything,
I know you can,
Change the world for the better,
I believe in you.

While I'm looking for myself out there,
And you fall in love with someone else
He better good to you
Because if he doesn't, I'll be there
I will always be waiting, arms and heart open. I assume this poem is to another girl, but if not the he's in this sentence should be she's.

And someday I will have the courage Then again this may be my favorite.
To look at the person in the mirror,
And change her ways.

I suggest that you not capitalize the first word of every sentence. Even in poetry sentences need to follow normal structure. Keep Writing-Tori