Young Writers Society

I'll wake all night, for glimpses of you
bloodshot eyes and manic hair.
you are on another plane
broken spine, hunched over scribbles
on partitions of rubble,
you make your mark.

legacy is all you are
nothing else will ever satisfy
"I do not want to be loved
I'd rather be remembered"
--forever remembered
your bloodied fingers, the bloodied walls
and words fill them, dried plasma
caking everything and anything.

you are defined
you are focused

writing is all that makes sense
to you. you are stronger,
holding our pen, you have more control.

you are not me,
never me.

my words run out,
as yours overflow.

you are my apocalypse.

I'll wake all night, for glimpses of you
bloodshot eyes and manic hair.
you are on another plane
broken spine, hunched over scribbles
on partitions of rubble,
you make your mark.

legacy is all you are
nothing else will ever satisfy
"I do not want to be loved
I'd rather be remembered"
--forever remembered
your bloodied fingers, the bloodied walls
and words fill them, dried plasma
caking everything and anything.

you are defined
you are focused

writing is all that makes sense
to you. you are stronger,
holding our pen, you have more control.

you are not me,
never me.

my words run out,
as yours overflow.

you are my apocalypse.

I think you're word usage and imagery in the first two stanzas is flawless! Absolutely beautiful. But after the second stanza it seems like you get sloppy with your rhythm and your message gets a little less focused or defined, meaning the style just shifts and breaks flow. Work on the second half of this poem and make the style more consistent like the first half, then you're solid.
Kendall

I had a bit of a sneaky suspicion you'd like morbid imagery when describing something under this certain topic.

So I don't think I've ever reviewed anything of yours. Depressing, no?

Instead of beating around the bush, lets start of with the nitty-gritty right off the bat. And might I start off with the imagery, or the ideology, rather, that this poem sort of fell into. As it goes, you used some very interesting images to describe the point you wanted to get across, and in this case, some of it was a bit much for my tastes. For instance;

broken spine, hunched over scribbles

or;

your bloodied fingers, the bloodied walls

This poem has so much unnecessary gore. Up until these two lines, you wrote with such eloquence. Such fluidity. Then the images of spins breaking and fingers bloody almost pushed this a little too far over the edge. I realize that this was for the effects of showing how his words are his obsession rather than his choice, but next to the rest of the poem, the blood and bones cracking seemed altogether unnecessary.

The next thing I would like to note on is this;

you are my apocalypse.

The word apocalypse is altogether a rather superficial word. It doesn't fit, though the idea of it is interesting enough when compared with the rest of the poem. Simply, the word in itself seems contrite. Juvenile, in this case. Its just a rather unappealing word when reading poetry, though its completely up to you whether you wish to keep it or not.

As it goes, other than those few nit-picks, I rather enjoyed this poem.

You have a knack for interesting diction, and a want to create an emotional poem not based simply on the unrequited or the idea rather than the situation. You put a face to the feeling. A narration to the basic instinct, and that differentiates this from a lot of poetry. You symbolized your feelings right into a person whilst explaining a person, and that's something to be admired.

As it goes, I may not be a fan of your use of couplets. As it goes, I use couplets only for a certain effect, but if you overuse them, they lose it. In this case, it feels as if you're trying to prove those last couple points as effectually as possible, but lack the bang of it thanks to the fact that you used so many of them. I would recommend slimming down on them if you can.

Anyways, I really liked this. I liked the idea of him and of the narrator and of the way in which he would substitute love and fame. Its interesting and, in this case, its rather original.

Interesting, dear. Very interesting.

~Walker