Young Writers Society

Never ending,
the earth shatters,
to watch my resolve fall away.
Tears hit the ground,
like little pools of blood,
falling from the clouds.

Followed by the angry rants,
of a mislead girl,
who lost the hamster in the center of her world.
He shot himself,
to get away,
didn't think about how it would hurt her.

He didn't know she loved him,
they were just friends.

He kept her world spinning,
in the middle of the night,
when all fell down,
he picked the up the pieces,
now he’s gone.

Her heart lies in splinters,
covering the floor,
no one can help her no more.

Her daddy’s shotgun looks good from here,
the gleam of the bullet
she wishes it closer.

She holds your picture,
stares into those baby blues,
with you forever,
she pulls the trigger,
GOODBYE

its a good poem!!! which gives the reader good emotional feelings.I liked the part of the hamster.
its little sad but a vey good poem!!!

Hey Misstoria! Dogs here with your review today! Great poem you have here, strong emotion, and good description. You base this very well off the metaphor that your heart is shattered and how no one is there to pick it back up. Now I have a few quick nit picks:

The first stanza is good and you use strong imagery which is great, however in the 3rd line when you say:

"to watch my resolve fall away."

This line is really awkward. Awkward referring to the "resolve' part because It can be interpreted in a few different ways. For example, it could mean watching your solution fall away. Watching your healing fall away and many more. Resolve means many different things so I suggest that you take a different word thats a synonym to the real "resolve" meaning you are trying to portray.

Now in the 3rd line of the 2nd stanza when you say:

Who lost the hamster in the center of her world."

ummmm.... what? Is hamster a metaphor for something? Does it have a deeper meaning because it's a kinda... odd line and i'm not really understanding what you are trying to say here. You lost your hamster so what?

"when all fell down,
he picked the up the the pieces,
now he's gone"

Ok, a couple things wrong here. "He picked the up the pieces"....? This line is a little odd because you put in two "the" so it this line doesn't really make any sense grammatically. Also you already used the word "fell". You should replace it with something else, I suggest that you go on to a thesaurus and look up this word and choose a different word from the list. Also, to get your point across that you depended on him you should expand a little more upon this topic other then "he just picked up the pieces". So I suggest you say something more like:

When all plummeted to the ground,
he picked up the pieces,
and put me back together.
Now he's gone.

Now the poem is pretty good throughout the rest of the poem except on the last line:

"GOODBYE"

oh man, cheesy, big let down for an amazing ending! You led it up so well to this point and then with this line is really a kind of disappointment, Kinda reminds me of the movie Hanna where it was a great movie and at the end when she shoots the women trying to kill her.... oh my god I basically screamed at how horrible and chessy it was. Anyways you should talk about how everything went black and how there was nothing left in the dark or how her dead body lie motionless on the floor. Something more creative and PIZZAZY! Anyways thats all I really have to say. Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Wow...really strong poem. Well, I'd expect nothing less when the title reads "Tears of This Tiger" I love the title, by the way, really great use of alliteration. Your choice of words are really good. It makes the poem sound really nice and meaningful.

he picked the up the pieces,
now he’s gone.

Just a little typo error here....and

Her heart lies in splinters,
covering the floor,
no one can help her no more.

Here I'd use "anymore" but it's very minor so if you wanna keep it your way I'm fine with it too.

All in all, great poem! Keep writing!

Hey there! I'm Flow and I'll be your reviewer for the evening. I guess I'll start off with my overall opinion. to start off you chose a very powerful name for this piece. Considering the book is amazing and full of emotion, when you read this piece you expect the same power. With that said on to my review.

The first stanza of your poem isn't the most powerful. I can see you trying to give off powerful descriptions but your telling us what happens. You have to show the reader what is happening in your poem, make us feel and see what is going on. Telling in a poem just makes it drag out and sound very cliche. To add to this, the first stanza doesn't really make sense. I've read it at least five time and can't make sense of it. You just throw alot of random descriptions around and don't leave us knowing anything. You use those common words that everyone knows when there are so many more out there to use. When you say never ending and the earth shatters together that doesn't flow, it doesn' t make sense to the reader. Also if tears are falling how can they fall from the clouds?

The second stanza also left my mind a bit jumbled. I get a love story theme going on and then you bring up a hamster? This may or may not mean something to you symbolically but it means nothing to us. You have to tell us what happened and why this means something to you. Show us what is happened through descriptions and metaphors. Okay, then you say someting about a guy shooting himself. Of course he didn't think about what it would do to the girl, but we don't know what it did to the girl. What did it do to her? Why did he kill himself? You leave us with blanks in this stanza. You can't expect the reader to put two and two together.

Stanza three breaks off all together. You had a six line stanza thing going on and then you just jump all over the place. You have to have some form of structure in a poem. With a poem like this I wouldn't even use stanza's I would have it all together. Anyway, now we know that she loved him. Why did she love him? Why didn't he know? More blanks my friend more blanks. (For some reason I keep typing blacks...)

In stanza number four it made me stop and go um... provacative sentence. I don't think that's what you meant it to sound like but it sounds like he "Kept your world spinning" if you know what I'm saying . I would suggest reprasing it if that's not what you meant. Also spinning is a very boring word. Then after you've done the do he picks up the pieces.. and he's gone again. This is way to jumpy, we know he's gone your turning this into a teenage rant. This cannot at any point and time become a rant. Like I said before live up to your title. It is the thing that draws the reader in, it's what you live by.

Next stanza I get this very gross image of heart laying on the floor. (I'm ocd) I like the connection to the floor, but the heart thing is to angsty and just doesn't work. Something else would sound nice with this image I just can't put my finger on it. Moving on, really you said no more? Anymore darling the proper way to say that, it's been proper so far let's keep it that way.

In the next stanza you switch from first person to second all at once. You are her or your not and you haven't been through the whole poem so lets stick with it. It also has a very cliche ending, I mean why would you complain about his death and kill yourself too?

Last stanza, drum role, she does what the audience expects and it is in fact cliche. You didn't put a period after goodbye, and I wouldn't put that in all caps, it's kind of childish if you ask me. If you die you can't say goodbye by the way, because your dead.

Oh well, don't take my opinion to harsh. I mean well by everything I say in my reviews. If you have any questions feel free to pm me.

-Flow-

As some insight let me explain what i was expressing in this poem. This piece was written in a very bad time in my life when I lost my best friend to suicide. The phrase "I lost the hamster in the center of my world" is an inside phrase. It refers to an idea that a hamster lives in the center of the world and he keeps us spinning, when the hamster dies the world dies with it. The entire poem relates to her feeling and reactions. The idea of the poem was to relate my darkest point, and the dark possibilities that came with it. When the poem says "Kept my world spinning" it relates back to the hamster sentence, nothing of a provocative nature was implied. The poem was written from the point of an angsty ranting teenager and that was what I was going for in part. When the poem ends in "GOODBYE" i agree it needs a period, but it was meant to be a jolt. "GOODBYE" was meant to be her last thought, her last shout out to the world that has failed her. -Tori

The Hamster thing I have to say threw me off a little. Also the "GOODBYE" at the end I would change to "Goodbye!" Because it hurts the readers eyes to see all capitol letters. Other than those nitpicks I loved it, I loved the two characters I loved the emotion and I loved the "Last shout out" if you will. Very good and very interesting! Keep writing! Berlynn Rae