Young Writers Society

Am I the reason for your pain?
Why do you put me through my own?
You think I don’t care
I’m dying inside and you don’t know

I want to be loved
Just like you
I would like to be cared for
Just like you do to him

I hate him for stealing you
From me, from being my mother
You’re not his mother
Why do you leave your daughter?

You leave me alone?
I try not to let it affect me
I’m sorry I’m not perfect
I thought I was good enough

One day I will forgive you
One day you’ll regret it
One day you’ll open your eyes
One day I will forgive you.

Sadly that day is not today
I’m sorry I don’t like being treated this way
I don’t deserve it
No one does.

I’m a good daughter
Why can’t you see that?
If you do then why do this
For you not to be alone?

I guess I don’t get it
You’re not alone like you say you are
You have me
Am I not good enough?

I suppose I’m not
Is that why you’re not here?
Is this what your parents did?
Leave you to have you write your feelings?

I’m sorry if they did
Please don’t do that to me.
Even though you already have and will
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect.

I love you though
That counts right?
I have feelings
Do those count too?

I guess not
You’ve hurt me
For that I thank you
For helping me become stronger

This pain might hurt for a bit
But I still want it
I crave this to make me strong
For this life I live is to hard

I will not give up
Like so many others
I will help others
To not give up on their hard ships

Is this why I’m sent here from Heaven?
Is this why I was born in this family?
Because I can handle it?
Am I damaged?

I think I am.
Do you?
I suppose you do.
Thank you for making me strong.

Mother, I’m your daughter
Who will grow strong,
Because of you
Thank you.

Hey JustisMarez,

To be completely honest with you, I have mixed feelings about this piece. While it isn't badly written in any way, I don't think it has many of the attributes of a poem -- in a way, it reminds me just a little of a rant. That sounds really harsh, but all I'm trying to say is that although this isn't bad, and I liked the ideas you were showing in this poem, I think it could have been improved by miles.

Constructive criticism coming up. ^_^

1) In some places, I found that the rhythm was a little stronger and more consistent than in others. One of the most important things about poetry is that it has a good rhythm. I think if you could just tweak your word choices, and edit the lengths of a few of the lines, you could improve this a lot.

2) I think you need to show a little more rather than just telling. Although it might apply more to stories, I think this applies, at least to a certain extent, to poetry as well. Most of the good poetry I've read created vivid images in my mind, which left an impression on me for quite a while afterwards. Reading through this, I think you need to show a little more than just telling. The things you have put down are very sincere -- but they don't have quite the effect that they could have if you tried this.

I think that's about it, really. With the two suggestions above, I think you could make this a much more effective poem. As I said, I like the ideas you're putting across -- especially in the last stanza -- but to make it more effective you need to work a bit on the rhythm, on the choice of wording and the images you create.

Still, this isn't bad, and if you keep writing you can only get better.

So keep writing!

~MorningMist~

Hey Justis!

So, a poem about mothers! They can be quite a pain at times. Anyway! I think that if you were more specific about what actually happened, there would be more power in this poem overall. For instance, you talk about how your mom doesn't love you. Well, how exactly does she not love you? Does she treat you like Cinderella? Does she beat you with a belt? Does she lock you out? Does she put all your clothes on the door step and say that you are disowned? I mean... I've known people who have had these sorts of things happen by their mothers before. So, mothers can be quite abusive in quite horrific ways to their children. So, what exactly did your mother do?

And, by answering this, I think we can get more of an emotional response from us. Right now, it's like, "Oh, well, this is kind of sad." But, make us think, "Oh my God, what is happening?"

See? Juicy details are good!

Think of it this way... in Sylvia Plath's Daddy, she compares her father as a Nazi and herself as a Jew, so this definitely adds some sort of shock value right here. Plus, the fact that she keeps referencing that there is some sort of sexual attraction with father and daughter makes it even more crazy. Was there actually sexual attraction between them? Probably not. But, artistic license can be a cruel thing. Never hurt a writer... they'll get their revenge on you through their writings.

I mean, obviously this sort of thing is probably not going to happen in your poem. But, you can describe your relationship between you and your mother and twist it so that it seems truly sinister, instead of saying that you don't feel love from your mother.

Of course, if this idea makes you uncomfortable... uh... well, you're the writer. You're totally in charge.

Best of luck!

Hi Marez! xD

I must say, this poem was very touching :") I have the same feelings towards my father but, no one else conquered him. Anyway, lets not move into personal things, shall we?

I loved it and it actually made me cry. I don't know what to say for this poem. You say thank you to your mother but now, I'm thanking you because you've made me much stronger. Stronger than anyone now. Really. *sniffs*

Then. there were some parts that was confusing.
Like these stanza's:

JustisMarez wrote:One day I will forgive you
One day you’ll regret it
One day you’ll open your eyes
One day I will forgive you.

You're forgiving her, and she regrets it. Also, when she opens her eyes, you'll forgive her. Does this mean that when you tell her your feelings, and she regrets it, you forgive her and when she understands and asks you to forgive her, you'll still forgive her? I think so that's what you mean't.

Overall: I have no words to say.... 9/10. :")

Keep Writing to melt people's heart~

Cookie <3'

This is a very thoughtful and relatable poem, and I liked it alot
You just struggle a tad bit with keeping the idea interesting in each stanza. It seems like you're saying the same thing almost in each stanza until the end of the poem.
I do love how it turns from you somewhat blaming and resenting your mother to thanking her, because that gives the reader a little different prospective.

Can I say that I love this?? I really, really do. While I do agree with the people above me, it does not really seem like a poem... But I love the emotion in it just the same. I can tell that you put yourself into it. I enjoyed reading it, though I nearly cried.