Young Writers Society

I hear the sound of them coming through the door.
Fear grips me, taunting me, asking how much more?
My heart starts pounding, my blood begins to race.
I want nothing more than to disappear without a trace.

Are sins ever forgiven? Will I live through this pain?
My mistake, it haunts, coming toward me like a train.
Unforgettable and unstoppable… it could kill me in the end.
To repair the damage done, to heal the hurt is all I intend.

There are the times, when good intentions are never seen through.
But I refuse to stop trying, I caused this, and it is mine to undo.
If my promises fall on death ears, then my actions will suffice.
I refuse to let my fear stop me… but encouragement would be nice.

Hi there!

I actually really like this poem! Everything, according to me, seems very well written. There isn't a thing I could change expect this: Your sentences are way too long.

Also, here:

My mistake, it haunts me coming toward me like a train.

Comma after "haunts"

Also, I think you could change this line to something else:

Are sins never forgiven?

Something like: Are sins ever forgiven?
Because this poem is like a pleading to undo a mistake, the use of ever, in my opinion, seems more pleading-like.

To repair the damage done, to heal the hurt is what I intend.

I think "all" in place of "what" is more fitting.

Okay, so, I ended up changing quite a few things xD But, I really, really like this poem. It's got rhyme, it's got flow, it's got a good plot! In all, it's very well thought of and written!

Keep it up!
-TwistedMuffins.

Thank you so much! I was not quite happy with this, and these changes make sense. Editing my work... not something I'm good at. So again, thanks!

Hey, Amber!

A strong and personal poem this is, I'm sure. And there's a lot one can take away from a poem like this. You've chosen a context that many can connect with. Mistakes and sins committed are seldom forgotten. But we must learn in the end, to forgive ourselves and to forget about our past misdeeds.

You've used a very simple form of verse that's easy to grasp and the rhyming that you've implemented is nice as well. The meaning isn't hidden behind any big boulders of long stanzas and tedious words. And it's a pleasant affair to get by. It's short and it shouts. And it's trying to make an impression.

In terms of improvement, there's a lot you can do with this poem. Firstly, I'll delve into the structure and presentation of the poem. It's a simple 3 stanza poem with sequential rhyming. But look at the length of the lines. They are quite long and gradually grow longer as the poem progresses. So what I suggest is that you divide the lines. Make it look something like this -

I hear the sound of them
coming through the door.
Fear grips me, taunting me,
asking how much more?

My heart starts pounding,
my blood begins to race.
I want nothing more
than to disappear without a trace.

Are sins never forgiven?
Will I live through this pain?
My mistake, it haunts me
coming toward me like a train.

Unforgettable and unstoppable…
it could kill me in the end.
To repair the damage done,
to heal the hurt is what I intend.

There are the times, when good intentions
are never seen through.
But I refuse to stop trying,
I caused this, and it is mine to undo.

If my promises fall on death ears,
then my actions will suffice.
I refuse to let my fear stop me…
but encouragement would be nice.

This does look a bit longer, yes. But it does provide for a more welcoming and shorter line scheme.

Also, one thing that you need to keep in mind is syllable count. It's important that two lines which rhyme with each other have the same syllable count. For example:

"I'm hungry, What do I eat?
A soup of carrots and meat."
(haha, not the best sounding example, I know xD)
So in the above two lines, they each possess 7 syllables and are thus equal in syllable count. So They have a really smooth flow. And when this flow is applied in succession, it brings about resounding quality and appeal to a poem. Right now, you're poem is just a tad out of being into that perfect rhythmic flow.

Nevertheless, you've made a great attempt at rhyme and it shows. All you need to do now is practice, practice and practice. And by the looks of things, you'll reach there in no time
You've got massive potential. So keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza