Young Writers Society

I really like how you narrate this. And the tale is lovely, in that woeful way.

However, I don't understand why in some stanzas, you rhyme yet in others you don't. I find it best to stick to a rhyme scheme because then the reader will get to feel a 'beat' in the poem whilst reading. So, when I came to a stanza that didn't have a rhyme, I kind of lost the beat.

You create a nice beat at times however sometimes I find the rhymes too forced. Usually rhyming poetry follow a certain 'meter' which has to do with syllables and such. In the second stanza, I find that rhyme too forced. The word 'underneath' has too many syllables in it for me to read it in a flowing matter. I think I would replace 'underneath' with 'neath', or if I want to try and stretch it, 'beneath'.

Also in the fifth stanza, there are more syllables in those two lines than in the previous four. The majority have around 10 syllables in each line but in the fifth stanza, there are 14 syllables in each line. I might be being too nitpicky but I also find that breaks the rhythm that the previous four stanzas have created. The two lines on their own in the fifth stanza are fine, just a few too many syllables to go with it as a whole. Oh, and there's an error. It should be, 'It feels like a dream'.

You lose the rhyme in the sixth stanza. 'Skin' and 'feel' do not rhyme and I would feel the poem would be nicer if the stanza did rhyme.

In the seventh stanza, it's much like the fifth. A few too many syllables.

The rhyme is lost again in the eighth and ninth stanza.

However, like I said earlier, I really like the tale this poem is narrating. And how you use certain words to create a nice narration. Such as 'Alas' and 'tis'. Take my opinions however you want and good work.

I really liked this, it was different than I've read or am used to reading. I'm not that into poetry but this was good. I like how you told it. Very creative. Hmm. Ghostie got most of it so yeah...well. I enjoy your work, so keep writing.

Hey Anwesha!

A very good poem, indeed. The seemingly sadistic nature of the murderer as he taunts his prey and the smitten victim who doesn't realize she's been played have been so well pictured. 'The Devil in disguise' method has worked well here. And there's room for improvement too. Though I still do like this poem a lot. The concept, imagery and that whole scene seem well played out.

Now, moving on to my nit-picks.
The rhyming style you've implemented is simple and good. But it feels a lot like you've been trying to rhyme it too hard. I always felt a forced rhyme at the end of those sentences. It would do well to come up with something that catches the reader by surprises. I almost knew exactly what words you would rhyme with. So it was a bit underwhelming in the rhyming department. On the other hand, I love rhyme. I'm such a rhymer. And I love it when people integrate rhyming into their poems. It sort of brings the poem to life and gives more art and feel and impact on the reader. I applaud any piece written in rhyme, be it good or a little less. And you've done very well in attempting. So don't be discouraged. Your effort is commendable.

Another thing was that your rhyming started and ended in abrupt sequences throughout the poems. Some lines were devoid of any rhyming whatsoever and it felt like half-way through the poem, you gave up on trying. That's a big downer since as a reader, I expected there to be some level of consistency withing the poem. And I was a bit disappointed at that. But if you did all this on purpose and want to say that it's your style, that's cool too. Though this style might not be well received since people will think that you're being confused on whether you want to make this a free verse or rhyming poem. And even if it was possible to implement both, I would suggest maybe not being so abrupt in the structure. Try making 1 portion of it in rhyme and the other in free-verse. It'll be more stream-lined and stylized.

Also, this poem could have been a little more poetic in its message. Some drama and masala to the plot would be great. The narrator seems just like a sort of observer who just laments and griefs over the departed. And there's no other role that he/she plays so it's quite boring. What would have been a good twist was if the narrator happened to be the Murderer himself (which would be revealed towards the end) and how he tried to bottle up his devious desires but submit to his insanity. That would have made a stellar story!
The way the lines sound, seem like a lot to emote. You've heavily infused the lines with too many words and it sounds like a regular sentence rather than a poetic one. I suggest doing Ellipsis which is simply making the lines shorter by omitting certain obvious words from the line which the audiences can understand without any fuss. For example, you wrote:

You’d never imagine that the Satan lies underneath.

Now this line is very good. It shows strong imagery and crisp message. But it's far too..... un-poetic since it's like you're using regular everyday language here. And that doesn't fit too well. With Ellipsis...

You shan't imagine Satan be underneath

Not the best example, I know . But the link above will explain more of it with great depth ^.^

So all in all, I'm left with a satisfying feeling. But also, I feel that this piece could use much more. There's potential, definitely. And though you've done well to write it, it's as convincing as it could be. Nevertheless, it's still a good poem and I quite like it. Dark and Deceptive in nature, yet cool and calm in the delivery. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza