Young Writers Society

here we are down on earth
with our guns and our hate
can we still save ourselves?
or are we just way too late?

violence and pain and
loss and remorse
a child alone
a life set off course

yet He still looks on us
with a love in His eye
His chest inhales in
He lets out a sigh


so now we’re frantic in an open field
in the lightning storm
just as the rain chills our bones
we beg to be warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t help but make us
want to disappear

what can we do but breathe in the night
we need a saving grace
and a light
someone who’s with us

even in the lightning fight


this breath that He frees
winds its way down to us
so the grass blades do kiss
and His voice, it does muss

the heartbeats and hearts
of all who have heard
the sky becomes white
as the wings of a bird

auroras paint that glow
and the chaos comes forth
drumbeats clap in the sky
wind whips our hair north


so now we’re running towards an open field
in the lightning storm
even as the rain chills our bones
we still want to be warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t ever get that
hope to disappear

we all feel the need to breathe in the night
we’re finding our saving grace
and our light
maybe He’ll be with us

even in the lightning fight


whom does this touch?
all who feel it, of course
it reflects in the eyes
of gazers, with such force

that our hands twirl in time
and a beat presses strong
we see the miracle He’s given
we see that we’re wrong

His sigh is still pounding
and it tilts the whole earth
even so, we run desperate
for all that we’re worth


so now we’re dancing in an open field
in the lightning storm
even as the rain chills our bones
His hands keep us warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t ever get His
love to disappear

nothing can stop us as we breathe in the night
for He is our saving grace
and our light
He’s always with us

even in the lightning fight

Lovely poem, intense and with an message of hope, a little bit of redound but I think it helped to give feeling to the poem.

Very nice message, good theme, I liked the way you didn't punctuate everything, just the 'He's'. It added a dramatic and emphatic effect; little nitpicks.

His chest inhales in - That, unfortunately, doesn't make sense. I know you were trying to keep the rhythm, or meter, but that doesn't work.

The rhyming SOMETIMES feels a little forced. Excuse me for using capitals, but I've said this in several previous reviews and people have taken offense -.- So don't be offended. Please.

Aside from those two things, it's really good actually - keep writing, I'll be looking out for more work from you.

I loved this!!! It's got such a beautiful message of hope among despair ! I didn't think the rhyming was forced at all (no offence to the previous reviewer ), felt that it had just the right amount of flow! You should make a song out of this! Seriously, get someone who can play an instrument, make up an awesome melody to go with it and you'll have hit Really enjoyed this

Wow, I really like it. I love the imagery, how you didn't give us too much detail, but we can still see it in our mind's eye so perfectly. My only nitpick is that "His chest inhales in" seems kinda repetitive to me. His chest INhales IN. But other than that, I do like it. I like the rhyming scheme and I like that line: "even in the lightning fight" I like the imagery of it and the way you set it off to give it more emphasis. Sorry I didn't have that many critiques for you, loved it!
-tgirly

Love the message. It especially gives me a deep feeling because I recently just found God myself. I love the message of how even when things are lost in dispair, He can still give hope and the feel of needing to live. The only thing that I couldn't stand was the fact that there was no grammer, even though I have a feeling you did that on purpose. Even though it scratches at my inner writer, it gives a solid effect to the impact of the poem. Overall, very very good piece. Keep Writing!