Young Writers Society

Be not my world
for if you were my world

then your laughter becomes
the earthquakes rattling my bones;
and those tears trail down
as rain, poisoning my lips.

Be not my world,

where your voice resembles
wind: to sicken me with flu.
And your hair—the swelling ocean
surrounding me to drown.

Be not my world,

where specks of white on your nails
evolve into ill-formed clouds
where that firm grip becomes the sky
and gravity the hug

that embraced me off the cliff
and into those sunken black depths
of eyes— I fall and I die
for you.

Be not my world, but my partner
and let us walk this course together
hand in hand as lovers both
step by step as mortals also.

Be just us against the world.

I love it!

The strange title instantly made me curious. The poem is well written, and I especially liked the way you've brought the elements and troubles together. The concept of it is quite beautiful too. "Step by step as mortals also. / Be just us against the world." Amazing finish.

Now the negetives. The use of 'thy' isn't really working for me. It's something we have to abide with when reading old poems because of differences in language. Writing in an old-fashioned way is sweet, and a way of manipulating language, but chaning from 'your' to 'thy' is almost like changing language itself, which is disrupting to read.

"That me, will surround, to drown." This line is awkward too, try phrasing it normally.

Well done I really enjoyed reading this.

This really sounded powerful. Very nice!

I'll be critique on one thing, oyu said 'thy' too much. Thats all.

You did really well, I love it!

I also disliked the use of thy.

However, the rest of it was incredible -- I really loved reading it.

"Be not my world,
where specks of white on thy nails
evolve into ill-formed clouds
where thy firm grip becomes the sky"

incredible.

This poem portrays a romantic, and sweet setting in my mind when I read it. I like the last part when it talks about how they walk side by side in world, and going through it together. Nice word choices- 'thy' and such. The only thing that I would perhaps recomend about the poem- is not to overuse 'thy.'

Hey there, Audy.

This was a nice and sweet poem, written by pointing out the troubles and then coming to a conclusion at the end. I like the way how you used similes to bring beauty into the poem, and not breaking the rhythm of the poem. And the whole idea was brilliant.

Mistakes,

Be not my world
for if you were my world,

then your laughter becomes

Cut the word 'then' as it's no necessary here. Because the word 'for' portrays the same meaning.

where your voice resembles
wind: to sicken me with flu.

Should be 'the wind'

And your hair—the swelling ocean
that me, will surround, to drown.

Shouldn't this be 'I' instead of 'me'

and gravity the hug.

and into those sunken black depths
of eyes— I fall and I die

I think this should be 'of your eyes'

Be just us against the world.

I think it's more better to say, 'Let it be us against the world'

Overall,

Well, I don't think I've any suggestions of improvement, as it was clearly well written poem in my eyes. I really liked the powerful thoughts of the poem, and they were written in a co-ordinated way with the similes. All in all, I really liked the poem.

Good luck.

Hi Audy! I don't think we've met, but I'm Kat *shakes hand* So, you should be proud! This is the only review I'm going to make on Christmas Eve, mostly due to lack of time, so it's going to be a very quick review

Be not my world
for if you were my world

then your laughter becomes
the earthquakes rattling my bones;
and those tears trail down
as rain, poisoning my lips.

I think that you should join the stanzas, because the first one sounds like an introduction to the next, but still I think they'd work better as one. It's nothing more than the structure. And a comma after the last line of the first stanza would be nice.

Be not my world,

where your voice resembles
wind: to sicken me with flu.
And your hair—the swelling ocean
that me, will surround, to drown.

Again, my suggestion is that you join them. In the first line of the second stanza, I think the 'where' gives it a weird ring, as if it doesn't sound completely right. Re-read it, and think what might sound better in your opinion. The last line sounds awfully awkward. Maybe try to play around with the order of the words, because I do get what you're trying to say, but it's just very strange when read.

Be not my world,

where specks of white on your nails
evolve into ill-formed clouds
where that firm grip becomes the sky
and gravity the hug

that embraced me off the cliff
and into those sunken black depths
of eyes— I fall and I die
for you.

Here you change the structure, but still, I think they would work better as one stanza. The fact that you actually changed the structure is good, because sometimes we writers keep it all the same, and then it becomes boring, so good thinking. I particularly love the ending of the second stanza, because it sounds final and very poetic, but the start of the next one makes me a bit awkward; it's as if it cuts the feeling of the above. Like one of the reviewers, I agree that it would sound better as 'of your eyes' rather then 'of eyes'. Even thought the end of this stanza sounds a bit common, it still brings some impact

Be not my world, but my partner
and let us walk this course together
hand in hand as lovers both
step by step as mortals also.

Be just us against the world.

Beautiful ending. This ending has just so many strength that I just makes me feel it. The only thing that can be a little confusing is that you mention that the poetic character "died" above, and so it's a bit confusing, but as the like 'be not my world' makes me think that it might just all be hypothetical; that that would only happen if in fact that person was your world.

The thing I need most to point out is your choice of words and your imagery. It's just... bravo. It made this poem very powerful and none at all cliché, for this theme has been very used and yet you managed to bring something new and original to it. And for that, I shall click the star thingy. Be glad, because right here is one hell of a poem

Questions? PM me.
- Kat ^.^

Audy wrote:Be just us against the world.

This ruins the power of your last stanza, which I consider the most beautiful I know someone already mentioned this, but no harm in reiteration.

Audy wrote:that embraced me off the cliff
and into those sunken black depths
of eyes— I fall and I die
for you.

this poem is full of images that perfectly convey emotion-- like that stanza. Fantastic job; nothing else to say, really.
Keep writing and rhyming,
empress

This is an extreamly intersting piece of poetry.
The comparison between natural forces and a person/actions are excellent and give a really unique feel to this poem.
I have never read anything like it.

I will do a stanza by stanza thing as i am ot quites sure how to sum everything up...
1-
Be not my world
for if you were my world

*i would join this to the next*

then your laughter becomes
the earthquakes rattling my bones;
and those tears trail down
as rain, poisoning my lips.

*I love this first half, the earthquake and wording was ecxcellent, but i found the second part with the tears a little confuising to read and it sounded a little off*

Be not my world,

where your voice resembles
wind: to sicken me with flu.
And your hair—the swelling ocean
surrounding me to(as I?) drown.

* i thought this worked well, maybe change the to*

Be not my world,

where (the) specks of white on your nails
evolve into ill-formed clouds(,)
where (your) that firm grip becomes the sky
and (your hug gravity? )gravity the hug

that embraced me off the cliff
and into those sunken black depths
of eyes— I fall and I die
for you.
* In this stanza, the emotion was good, and the idea is there, but still the owrdin puts me off*

Be not my world,(my God?), but my partner
and let us walk this course together
hand in hand as lovers both
step by step as mortals also(do?).
*loved this, but maybe interchange some words*

Be just us against the world.
*I feel this last line throws the poem off and i would edit it ouit*

Well done on this, good description and a lovely feeling in the writing, with maybe one ior two re-drafts, it would be excellent!

I really really loved this! I thougth it was amazing! I loved the bits like where gravity was 'a hug' and the flecks on the nails were 'clouds' and everything. I thought there were some incredible metaphors. Perhaps you could have a line like 'But how can you not be my world?' or something about why this person is the world. I really like it though!

Great poem. The title really made me interested. Your real good with titles. I liked how you kept repeating your main line, be not my world. I loved the last verse and line. It summed everything up so well.

Audy wrote:Be just us against the world.

Really great line, which also connects to your main line. Great way to end the poem


Your poem really drew me in, made me interested. It flowed so well, you really have a gift there.

Deanie x