Young Writers Society

Life will not go on, his eyes are so hollow
A cold word comes out of his desperate mouth
Where he would cry is the same place they raised him
And laughter is numb, such a rare occasion
He is under chains and connected by others
Clings on to one side of the wall beside her
She agrees to help and ends up brightening his day up
Yet even with smiles, has a lot more to learn

Wants a release, yet his father won't let him
Mixed with other kids he'd break down and panic
His bedroom is torn, he has no connection
He will never talk, and he will always cry
He can't fit in, forced to connect with others
Take his anger out on the things that made him
With little to do, and so little to salvage
There is little chance that will lead them to save him

Hi AJ.

I love it! It flows. The emotions where well written, I just love it! xD ^_^<3

Beautiful.

Just one thing... a typo.

567ajt wrote:She agrees to help and ends up brighting his day up

It should be "brightening".

But honestly, I loved every single line.

There is little chance that will lead them to save him

Amazing end.<33333333333

~Solly<3

Edited

Good evening

Well, as I have said, I've gone through it. I find that the use of imagery is good, certainly your reference to chains and bondage and isolation. But the poem doesn't flow rhythmically. It doesn't need to rhythm, although I did see that sneaky little one with “him” and “occasion”. But perhaps read it aloud several times and see if you can't find a cadence.

Unless the lack of rhythm was a deliberate metaphor for the lack of control and rhythm in your own life, in which case, very clever Sir. Very clever indeed.

But like I said, an opinion only. I could be talking nonsense.

Until next time.

Happy writing.

Dove

P.S. I'm afraid I didn't understand the title... but I'm really blonde that way.

I like it, cause it sort of keeps you hanging... But I have a few things to say.
1. You keep cutting it off, were there should probably be something. You're not completing what you're trying to get out. Like you're keeping back info from us, when we really need it to understand.
2.There were some grammer mistakes, but they've already been said. I didn't spot any serious ones that were life-threatening important to point out. You probably already see them.
All together, I LOVED IT! It was really cool and really kept you hanging!
Good luck!

This is a very powerful poem. It captured my interest right from the beginning. The imagery is so good you can almost feel the trauma and the pain the person is going through. I liked it a lot. Keep writing and best of luck!