Young Writers Society

It's the kind of energy that needs a quiet autumn evening,

so I give it one.

Long strides past smooth silent trees and
the rippling canal, lungs cracking,
an orange leafy smell away from
noise and candy,

which haven't happened yet but are imminent.

My garden is the only spot of bright color
left in the whole black-and-dead yard,
fun-fear-colored by jack-o-lanterns and plastic tombstones.

Minute upon minute I put behind me,
though not miles
(there are no miles in a small lake-town),
but my legs are not tired when I return,

and I feel like I may never be able to walk enough.

I liked it. But some more details/imagery can go a long way. But I did enjoy reading it.

This is great. The language was nice. It had a nice sound to it, sharp and clean-cut like the angles on a square. The way you included all of the senses was good, too. But the syllables in the lines were uneven. The lines should sound about the same amount of syllables as each other. I also think you could add a bit more detail. What about the frightful witches that cackle in the streets, little bumblebees toddling down the lanes? I can see this poem definitely going places, though. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading more from you.

Hey There -
This was a pleasure to read, but I have some suggestions...
First - there are a lot of cut and clean syllables - they sort of jut out at you - it isnt a clean rhythm... For example you start of with a sentece that puts the reader in the middle of the action or story, and put yourself into it as well. Then there are a lot of 'L' sounds (long strides, lungs...) and 'S' sounds that give it the smooth, luxorious, relaxed feeling. At the same time there are some harsher sounds... Was that your goal> I personally like a lot of flow and rhythm in my work but it isnt always best... It depends on what works for you...
Not unlike this review, there is also a lot of rambling... That gives it a dawdling, sort of feeling...
This was interesting. Good work. I must admit, the title was a bit unoriginal, and I was hoping for some more imagery, but this is the start of something wondrful, I'm sure. Keep working, paintingtherain - you have potential.

Best Regards -
IamHathor22