Young Writers Society

I had always known that he was never mine
but my heartbeat had already started worshiping him
he was the one who I had been searching for
in my dreams all my lifetime
I finally found him in this life
but not for long did he stay
now he is going away from me just like my tears
that are rolling down my cheeks leaving me forever
I know my loneliness is not your fault
I myself am the cause of all this

Hi, Yushi!
I liked your poem, but I think there are some puctuation missing...

Yushi wrote:I had always known that he was never mine,
but my heartbeat had already started worshiping him.
He was the one who I had been searching for
in my dreams, all my lifetime.
I finally found him in this life,
but not for long did he stay.
Now he is going away me just like my tears,
That is rolling down my cheeks, leaving me forever.
I know my loneliness is not your fault.
I myself am the cause of all this.

Well, this is just an opinion. Also, I think the line

Yushi wrote:now he is going away me just like my tears
that is rolling down my cheeks leaving me forever

is... wrong. I mean, you are talking about TEARS, so you should write "that ARE rolling down my cheek".

Your poem is too short, I think. You should write more, make us emphatize with the character.
But I liked it so much...
Congratulations for your work.

PS.: I'm sorry if anything I said here sounded offensive to you. It wasn't my intention.
Keep writing!!

Hi Yushi! (Can I call you Sushi? XD) I don't want to be too mean, but this isn't actually much like a poem. It looks and sounds more like a paragraph. There isn't a specific flow in the poem. Maybe you should organize it such that it looks like a poem? I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help. And, you need punctuation. A lot of it. I know it's your first work so it won't be the best. Maybe you could try it like this:

I had always known,
that he was never mine.
bBut my heartbeat had already started worshipping him

hHe was the one who I had been searching for,
in my dreams, all my lifetime.

I finally found him in this life,
but not for long did he stay.
now he is going away me just like my tears,
that is are rolling down my cheeks, leaving me forever.

I know my loneliness is not your fault,
I myself am the cause of all this.

I tried doing what I could. Why don't you do it in your own way? Also,

Adriana wrote:Your poem is too short, I think. You should write more, make us emphatize with the character.

^I don't agree with that. Poems can be as short or long as the poet wishes. Your poem's length is absolutely fine, if that is how you want it to be. I'm sorry if I was mean. Just trying to give some constructive criticism. I really hope I helped and didn't mean to be offensive.
Keep Writing! Enjoy on YWS!
~HPR~