Young Writers Society

It hurts to know that you don’t feel the same way
Why would you play with my heart? How it this a game?
I liked you and that was my down fall
You knew that I did and you couldn’t help it
You had to make someone suffer along with you.
Kissing you, I was happy
When I look back at that I’m disgusted
I’m the one that treated you right
And yet I’m the one that’s hurting inside.
I’ll be fine, no need to worry
I learn from my mistakes
And trust me you were a big mistake

Hi there! My name is TwistedMuffins, and I'll be reviewing your work today

There are a few things to take care of, like, punctuation.

knivesXpensX18 wrote:It hurts to know that you don’t feel the same way.
Why would you play with my heart?[Enter- next line] How it this a game?
I liked you and that was my down fall,
You knew that I did and you couldn’t help it.
You had to make someone suffer along with you. [comma, instead]
Kissing you, I was happy,
When I look back at that, I’m disgusted.
I’m the one that treated you right,
And yet I’m the one that’s hurting inside.
I’ll be fine, no need to worry,
I learn from my mistakes,
And trust me you were a big mistake.

(Red marks it all)

Also, though this poem is very nice, it could have been made a little bit longer? Also, I think that if you put them in stanzas, it will look good! I hope this is just a poem, and there is no truth in this. If there is, I can just say I'm sorry.

Anyway, it was good! Just edit the parts I pointed out. If you are still confused, or need help, you can come to me.

Enjoy,
TwistedMuffins.

thats is actuall a good poem. i like it.

Hey Knives! Dogs here for your review. I really like your avatar! Well anyways, This is a good poem and it has a lot of room for potential in there. I really like the emotion you use. It is so strong and it leaves a big impact on the reader which is excellent! But you can make an even bigger impact! I've read this kind of poem to many times, someone falls in love with someone else and you got your heart broken and now your telling us how it feels. To many people write about it! You need some more UMPH! a little PIZZAZ! Some Jazz hands! "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHINEEEEE" (Billy Elliot). Sorry bad musical analogies.

But anyways a way you can add some PIZZAZ is by increasing your vocabulary. Write with words that we don't see every day, but some shock into the reader with imagery and strong words that will leave a huge impact! If you are having troubles doing that you can look up a simple word like "walk" in a thesaurus and pick out a word that you like and it sounds better like "saunter". because "i walk these halls" doesn't sound nearly as good as "I saunter these halls".

I would also suggest putting in some personification. Typically some of the best poets on YWS use personification and strong imagery to strengthen their writing.

This piece is good but with a little more work it can be GREAT! Keep up the good work knives!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh