Young Writers Society

You've become my new obsession
My part time fantasy
In every dream my hands around your neck
The knife embedded in my back

The acid tears of denial dissolving my face
You will erode me with your lies

The mark of love upon my coffin
The spider web of mistakes
Draped over my head stone

Let this pain in my cold empty heart
Subside like the nights tide

Our stars fading with every second
Life has become a cliché
A fight to be loved by the perfect
Looks like I didn't fit in to that category

Tonight is my last, my final hope
God only knows the prayers
I've screamed out to the empty nights

I'll go I'll leave
Standing out side the window looking in
Longing to be on the other side

I just wanted forgiveness, redemption.

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Ok really not very sure on this one needs ALOT or work so pelase tell me what you think!
Wu x

This is unimpressive. I've come to expect more from you. Some of your lines (i.e. "cold empty heart") dissolve into cold empty triteness.

Of course, it could be a sense of irony. Albeit, a very condescending sense of irony that I don't like. This wasn't very original, even with the theme, as most of your others are. You had no resounding images and no grave edicts of personality. This will not make my Top 25.

I think that this poem is very cliche and relies too much on stock phrases. For instance, I've read the sixth stanza in so many variations before that it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

However, I do like how you open this. At first I thought, "Oh, a love poem," but then you gave me that fourth line and it shocked me. Well done on that score.

All in all, this really is not a bad poem, it's certainly better than most of the stuff I read, but you're relying too much on material that's already been used before.

After re-deading I agree it seems to be very forced on my part the start I like then it becomes all to clicheeee ay hoo I'm giving writing a brake for now!
muchous love wu

I'll go I'll leave
Standing out side the window looking in
Longing to be on the other side

This was the most--if not the only enjoyable part of the whole poem.
The rest, I'm sorry, but it's hollering cliche. Everything in it almost, I've seen in so many variations, like Brian said.
However, with some major adjustments, it won't be cliche anymore.

Yeah, I agree, a big cliche.

Some parts I liked, the rest was...okay, but a bit of the poem was just "ugh". It didn't really make much sense to me, and was just a variation of sayings and phrases that didn't stick to an original title.

lol I feel I may just write this poem off as one of those poems never to be seen again !