Young Writers Society

I'm at your feet,
Tears in my eyes,
Can't hold on,
Can't say good bye.

So tired of putting on this smile,
I know all I'll ever be to you,
Is the girl you wished,
You'd never loved.

Inside I died a million times for you,
The last pill in my hand,
and I'm slipping,
The edge crumbling beneath me.

In your arms she lays,
Whisper to her innocent words,
I long to hear,
You pushed me too far.

I'm standing on the edge of all I know,
Your name carved into the walls
I wished I could say it will be ok,
But I know this is my end.

Forever goodbye..

I'm not much of a poet critic, so bear with me, but I'll try...

I'm at your feet
tears in my eyes
can't hold on
can't say good bye

Like this start. It flows well and I like repitition.

so tired of putting on this smile
its becoming so hard
to hide behind this front
can you see beyond my mask

Nice. But maybe put a question mark on the last line. Also, I feel beyong and behind are quite similar in two adjacent lines. Perhaps change one of them to keep the variety of words?

I'm dying inside only for you to love me
the last pill in my hand
and I'm slipping
the edge crumbling beneath me

I don't like the first line of this stanza, it seems to long and ungainly. Try shortening it to say, "I'm dying inside for your love", or something like that. Other than that it's good.

You hold her close like you did me
whisper innocent words
I long to hear
falling, falling been pushed to far

Same for this one. I find the first line too long. Maybe "You hold her close like with me" or something. Just try and cut one or two words off it.
I don't like the last line much, either, I'd cut out "falling, falling" as I don't feel it fits the style, and chnage it to something like "I've been pushed too far".

I'm standing on the edge of all I know
your name carved into my heart
I wished I could say it will be ok
but I know this is my end

Love it. Favourite stanza. Well done.

Good poem overall, I enjoyed it, and it was a good read. However take a glance at some of the things I said and I think it will get even better!

Thanks, FS.

Thank-you
Sorry I am not much of a writer, though I thought I would give it a try.

Don't say that!

Your a much better poet than me, I just want to see it improved! You gave it a damn well good try, and I hope to see more of your stuff in the future

I have changed it what do you think?

I like the changes you have made, very good!

This was good! Very very good! Just one thing:

I'm standing on the edge of all I know
your name carved into my heart
I wished I could say it will be ok
but I know this is my end

The second line here seems kind of cliché to me. It seems like I've read it a thousand times before in a thousand different poems (including mine, *ahem*). That's my only criticism, though, otherwise I think it's really fantabulous! Awesome job!

Not to be sardonic, but this poem is overdone. I didn't see Wulie's voice come through in it at all. Instead, I heard the voice of kids from 11 to 18 whining about how bad their life is. C'mon, give it a rest. So the guy/girl you like doesn't like you back. Writing a poem about that is still pretty commonplace. Atop that, you only had a few good images in this piece. Nothing to awe at. I think you should break from writing for a day or two, as you've submitted something nearly everyday. Give your pen a rest, and your mind some time to think. Then let the poem write itself.

I agree.... is all I can say lol. thanks

Wu, any voice losing in this I couldn't catch...although this is coming from one of the poetry-challenged, still...it was pretty cool. No critique.

Well, first of all, this poem is indeed cliche to the max, the title itself gives that away.

Inside I died a million times for you

Oh wow. I loved this line.

The rest of the poem was so, so and I guess I can say I enjoyed it...just not really all that amazing. The title and the poem itelf just sounded like the same thing I've read over and over a million and one times.

I must say, Wulie, this was one of your best...but no "[ ]"?!

The flow of this poem was just really good, although there was mispellings at parts, the flow just succeeded and made me not pay attention to all the flaws. The descriptive language that you used was great and this was just an awesome poem.

And I love the line mentioned above by CAG77, it just describes your feelings very well.

if cliche's were done like this more often, I wouldn't mind them nearly as much!