Young Writers Society

I open my mouth,
So that I may speak,
But words do not come out.
The feeling I feel inside,
Leaves me confused,
Self conscious, and alone.
I stand in the crowd,
They're living their lives around me,
I stand in the midst,
I am not able to speak,
Not able to walk,
Not able to talk,
Not able to live.
I stand in the crowd,
They're living their lives around me,
I stand in the midst,
Lonely,
And unnoticed.

I open my mouth,
So that I may speak,
But words do not come out.

This is a pretty good start in the sense that they cast an image of a bundle of words hiding in a closet (well, thats what springs to my mind) as someone opens the door.

The feeling I feel inside,

This line annoys me a little...you've used feeling and feel, basically similar words. maybe a synonym of feeling would be better? I think using one or the other...cleans it up a little...

They're living their lives around me,

Same here - living and lives, both together seems cluttered and a little...bugging...Synonyms? And the way this line is structured seems to suggest theyre basing their lives on you, the character, ''around me'' but this poem is about loneliness, isolation, no? Maybe it should be more of a statement where she points out the isolation of her situation, such as...er...
'they're playing out their lives without me' or something like that..I'm not sure what you'd want to put.

Not able to walk,
Not able to talk,
Not able to live.

I like this bit...It stops abruptly with the full stop after live...which pushes the point out for you...Nice...Only thing I would say is maybe 'Not able to talk' should be first, rather than walk as it flows from the unable to speak, a continuous idea. When it's floating there in the middle it's almost like its a forced rhyme.

I stand in the midst,
Lonely,
And unnoticed.

I like your ending. Midst...gee I love that word. Heh. Cool ideas, neat poem.

mmm...i agree with teapot (can i call you that? lol) about the using similar words in the same line. plus, both of those lines kind of bored me a little. "the feeling i feel inside". you said "they leave me confused". lots of feelings leave us confused as human beings and i'm curious, maybe you could tell us why it's confusing you, or what makes this confusing feeling different from all the others. I think as a reader I'd really like to have a hint at which feeling you're talk about so I can have a better sense of the mood in your poem...mmm, i think that's it. I think basically I'd like to see a little more detail (detail's my favorite though, but as always, you're welcome to ignore me), you've got a great idea going here though!

sure...deadly teapot is kinda...long. Hah..just like my real name. Except shorter? Teapots fine, loleth. Anyway...I agree..Details are good. Especially seemingly random ones like....er....wow. Red van. With a number 5 in the numberplate. Hah...I dunno. This isn't spam, I'm just hyper. And so yeah - details - good.

CarsandGuitars77 wrote:The feeling I feel inside,

I agree with the others about that one line. Apart from that, I think its great . Keep it up!

thanks guys....im not much of a poet, you know--im really trying--most of my poetry doesnt make a lot of sense and that leads me to say that i cant really give details as someone requested because the way i feel is so jumbled up...i can never get it out...the way i feel--locked up inside of me forever.